
Emotional dependency is an increasingly common problem but very few people are aware of it. It often comes to light when the person on whom the weight of the relationship falls complains, asks for more space, or refuses to continue being the dependent’s unconditional support point.
Emotional dependency becomes a problem when the person tries to fill the void in their life with their partner, when they stop having goals and focus solely and exclusively on the relationship. At that moment an unhealthy relationship is created, both for those who receive the attention and for those who give it.
Detecting emotional dependency is very simple, as long as a self-deception mechanism is not set in motion . The most obvious signs are:
– When the person has an almost unhealthy need to be with their partner since they do not tolerate loneliness
– When you need constant approval from your partner and others, showing an excessive fear of social rejection
– When their self-esteem is at rock bottom, normally because the person has canceled their individuality to satisfy the desires of another
The vicious cycle of codependency
When emotional dependency is established in a relationship, it is because, in a certain way, both members are projecting their own fears onto the other. The dependent person feels unable to make decisions and find meaning in their life beyond the relationship, while the other party may be afraid of being abandoned or even need to be elevated, which is why they encourage dependency.
In fact, the dependent person often looks for a dominant partner, who has a stronger character and who is much more egocentric and possessive. In this way a balance is created where each member receives what they’re looking for. Obviously, the fact that there is a balance does not mean that it is positive or healthy for the parties.
In fact, in the long term emotional dependency is like an addiction. The life of the dependent person is restricted to their relationship and their feelings fluctuate depending on the other’s mood changes. Little by little, the dependent person loses their personality, as they give in to the other’s desires and go out of their way to please them, putting their partner’s needs before their own at all times.
The curious thing is that, as happens with addicts, the dependent person never becomes happy. On the contrary, he continually lives in suspense, worrying that the relationship might end and despising himself for this submissive behavior. As a result, anxiety, depression and anguish soon set in.
The worst of all is that the dependent person distances himself further and further from his family and friends, whom he considers “dangerous” because they make him aware of his problem. In this way, when a person is left alone, he or she relies more and more on his or her partner, causing dependency to increase.
The good news is that emotional dependency can be overcome.
Overcome emotional dependency in three steps
- Recognize the existence of the problem. It may seem like a truism but the truth is that we normally tend to lie to ourselves because this way everything becomes easier for us. We think that if we hide the problem, it does not exist but in reality it does not disappear but continues to determine our behavior and decisions. Therefore, the first step to overcome emotional dependency is to identify it. To do this, ask yourself the following questions and try to answer them honestly:
– Is your happiness focused on a single person?
– Does your happiness depend on how others treat you? Do you feel like the world is coming down on you if someone criticizes or rejects you?
– Do you usually put the needs and desires of others before your own needs?
– Do you feel good about yourself even when others show you acceptance?
It is worth clarifying that it is normal that rejection causes us some discomfort and that we have very important people in our lives and that sometimes we put their needs before ours, but the dependent person always shows these behaviors reaching pathological levels.
- Recognize the damage caused by these behaviors. In this case, the objective is for the person to realize the damages that have been inflicted with this type of behavior. To achieve this, it is better to make a list of all those things that you have done (supposedly out of love or affection) but that have caused you problems in the long run.
At first you will probably be left blank without knowing what to write, here are some questions that can help you make this list:
– What passion have you put aside to satisfy others?
– What dream or goal could you not fulfill because you gave yourself to others?
– What negative things have you had to suffer so that the other person did not abandon you?
The main objective of this step is to make you aware of all the suffering you have experienced just because you have an emotional dependency. This way you will feel more motivated to change and take control of your life.
- Strengthen self-esteem. The main factor that usually underlies emotional dependency is low self-esteem. These are usually people who have never loved themselves enough or people who have lost their self-esteem along the way.
Therefore, the key to overcoming emotional dependency is to recover self-esteem. First of all, you must convince yourself that you are worth a lot as a person and that social acceptance is an important aspect but it is not transcendental. Each person may have their own criteria and you do not have to satisfy them all.
An excellent exercise is to remember those moments when you felt really good about yourself, when you felt safe and confident. Vividly remember all the details and, above all, the sensations you experienced. In this way you will be activating emotions and feelings that you thought were lost but that are really there.
Finally, another important detail is that you learn to differentiate between “need” and “want.” Normally in the mind of the person who has an emotional dependency, these concepts are intertwined as if they were one.
Let’s take an example, when we are hungry, we do not need a muffin or a delicious hamburger because we can satisfy our hunger with a simpler and more natural food, such as a salad. In reality, we want the hamburger or the muffin but we don’t need them.
Something similar happens in love, it is not based on unhealthy need but on conscious commitment. That is, even knowing that you don’t need your partner, you have decided to share life with him or her.
Remember that the person you love is an important part of your life but not the only one. When you have passions and opinions you enrich the relationship, when you cancel yourself you impoverish it.
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