When a relationship comes to an end, it usually leaves behind a trail of pain. However, with the passage of time, that pain is mitigated until it disappears completely. In fact, there are relationships that are even lost in the mists of time, they go on to occupy a grey place in one of the drawers of our mental closet. However, there are relationships whose memory is much more resistant and comes back at any time, even if years have passed; these are the great loves.
Anyone who has ever had a great love will know how difficult it is to forget that relationship. You can consciously set out to do so, you can live new experiences or meet other people, but the memory of that relationship is still there, as if it had all happened yesterday. Why? Is it impossible to forget a great love?
Great loves leave deep cerebral traces
A great love leaves a mark on us, and this is not just a metaphor. Neuroscientists are convinced that the key lies in our brain. In practice, when a love relationship is very intense, it generates a kind of “footprint” or “anchor” in our brain that remains active in our memory even after time passes. It is a neurological circuit through which we fix with greater intensity those memories that have a strong emotional imprint.
From this perspective, it doesn’t matter if after the relationship we are left alone to try to heal the wound or if we immediately find another person, it will be impossible for us to prevent our brain from continuing to activate the memories of that great love. This is what is called “brain conflict” because, even if the relationship has come to an end and we don’t want to think about it anymore, our brain continues to activate the memories, even against our will.
This phenomenon occurs mainly in the temporal lobe. This area of the brain contains the hippocampus, an area that stores declarative memory (all those verbal data linked to that great love) and the amygdala (which contains all the emotions linked to the relationship).
The problem is that our brain prioritizes the storage of all those experiences that have a strong emotional impact. In fact, in laboratories it has been observed that we remember better the words that have an emotional meaning while we easily forget the neutral words. We also remember more details of a story that moves us.
Everything in our brain is designed to give importance to emotions. For example, there are more neural connections that go from the limbic system (in charge of processing emotions) to the cerebral cortex (area linked to thought and reason) than going the other way. The limbic system acts as the first switch when information from the environment arrives; from there, if the stimulus is emotionally significant, the amygdala is activated and a series of neurotransmitters are secreted that stimulate the hippocampus. Then the memory is fixed and a pattern is created, a mnemonic trace.
Obviously, the more intense the emotional context, the more indelible the memory will be. It is an ancestral defense mechanism that allows us to immediately recognize when we are facing danger or, on the contrary, when we are dealing with a situation that brings us pleasure or joy.
That is why, when we remember the great love, not only the hippocampus is activated but also the amygdala and the entire limbic system, so that we experience many sensations again and continue to react intensely to the other person. These memories can be activated by anything, from a song to a scent, an image or a simple thought. That is also the reason why, meeting the person who was that great love, continues to generate a real wave of emotions even if a long time has passed. At that moment, the amygdala takes control and hijacks, at least in part, the reason.
In practice, our memories are so strong and so precisely recorded in our brain that it is very difficult to erase them and, as a result, they can be activated even after years.
Does time allow us to forget a great love?
Just because we remember a great love intensely doesn’t mean that it is still painful. With the passage of time, the pain lessens and the more positive experiences that were lived as a couple begin to flow.
Over time, an automatic review of the brain connections that had been created occurs. Our brain begins to understand that there are some patterns that do not need to be constantly activated, so little by little, it gives them less importance and puts them in the background. That is the moment when that great love loses weight and we can move on.
Obviously, for this process of redistribution of the neural networks that had already been created to occur, it is not only important that time passes but also that we create other emotional meanings, so that new experiences and relationships can gradually occupy the place that was destined for that great love.
References:
Fisher, H. E. et. Al. (2010) Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology; 104: 51-60.
Bartels, A. & Zeki, S. (2000) The neural basis of romantic love. Neuroreport; 11(17): 3829-3834.
McGaugh, j. L. & Cahill, L. (1998) Mechanisms of emotional arousal and lasting declarative memory. TINS; 21(7): 294-299.
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