Negativity is a silent poison that slowly kills a relationship. And the worst part is that we don’t realize it until a crisis hits and we feel the relationship’s death throes. At this point, it’s sometimes too late because the emotional wounds are too deep and difficult to heal. Disenchantment has usually taken hold, making it hard to rekindle the spark. However, we can stop it much sooner by applying a simple exercise to improve our relationship.
Where does that negativity in the relationship come from?
In the early stages of a romantic relationship, we tend to focus on the other person’s positive aspects, going through a phase of “enchantment” where we only notice their virtues. In fact, it has been observed that during this stage, the areas of our brain linked to critical thinking “switch off” when we think about the loved one, confirming the popular saying that love is blind.
However, as time goes by, our brains return to normal, the infatuation phase fades, and… surprise! we begin to notice each other’s flaws. Obviously, some situations, such as infidelity, financial problems, or even the arrival of a baby, can trigger criticism and further complicate the relationship.
The problem with criticizing from a place of negativity is twofold: it not only damages the other person’s self-esteem, but it also affects us. Every reproach fuels resentment and frustration, so little by little we begin to view the relationship with distrust and doubt. We question whether we’ve truly chosen well or if this person is our soulmate, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of dissatisfaction.
Obviously, having some doubts is valid, but generally the root of this problem lies in viewing the relationship through dark glasses, focusing only on what we dislike or what bothers us. As a result, we lose sight of all the positive aspects, those small virtues and nuances that make up life as a couple.
Appreciation: the secret to improving your relationship
Appreciating your partner is one of the secrets of happy couples. A study conducted at the University of California showed that feeling and expressing gratitude in a relationship increases satisfaction and commitment. People who feel appreciated by their partner tend to respond more readily and are more likely to stay together over time.
Okay, I know that caught up in the whirlwind of daily life, it’s hard to find time to be present and observe calmly, and that many things stress us out, but it’s important that we don’t forget the good things about our partner and that we let them know. In fact, psychologists at the University of Illinois found that perceiving gratitude from a partner mitigates the negative effects of stressors on the relationship, such as arguments or external tensions, reducing the likelihood of the bond deteriorating.
As a general rule, it’s estimated that in a happy relationship, there should be a ratio of one negative criticism for every five positive aspects. And it’s worth clarifying that negativity and criticism aren’t always expressed with words. Sometimes it’s not necessary to speak to convey what we think; a tone of voice, a facial expression, or a certain behavior is enough.
Ritual of appreciation, an exercise to improve the couple’s relationship
The exercise I propose to improve your relationship is very simple, but also particularly powerful, and consists of three steps that you both must follow:
1. Make a list of everything you appreciate, admire, and like about your partner
Include everything you can think of, from physical attributes to personality traits, behaviors, and attitudes. For example, you could write that you love your partner’s eyes, their sense of humor, their compassion, and that they read to your child every night. You can also include general statements, such as, “I am so lucky to be married to you.”
2. Add something you noticed during the day
Each day, take a few minutes to review that list and add any new things you notice. You can do this in the morning to start the day with a positive attitude or before bed to end the day focusing on what you value about your partner. For example, you could write that you appreciated a special gift, cooking for you, or helping your child with homework because you were busy. This way, you’ll focus not only on the larger aspects but also on the everyday details that nurture the relationship.
3. Share an appreciation of your list each day
Taking a moment to share something you appreciate about each other transforms this individual exercise into a habit of mutual connection. It doesn’t have to be a long or elaborate speech; a simple “I love how you care about your family” or “It makes me happy that you have such a great sense of humor” already has a powerful impact. By verbalizing it, you reinforce the positive perception you have of each other and remind yourselves why you’re together, even on difficult days.
This small daily ritual helps balance the relationship, reduces automatic criticism, and creates an atmosphere of gratitude and ongoing recognition that strengthens emotional intimacy. It helps you focus on your partner’s positive qualities and view the relationship with more optimism.
Ultimately, the more we focus on the good, the more good things there will be to focus on.
References:
Barton, A. W. et. Al. (2023) The protective effects of perceived gratitude and expressed gratitude for relationship quality among African American couples. J Soc Pers Relat; 40(5): 1622-1644.
Gordon, A. M. et. Al. (2012) To have and to hold: gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. J Pers Soc Psychol; 103(2): 257-274.
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