Have you ever been hurt so much that you swore you would never trust someone again?
Have you ever been disappointed in love and since then have you closed the doors to love?
Are you one of those people who believe that it is better not to get attached so as not to suffer later?
In that case, you are probably a victim of the “Raincoat Effect.”
The Raincoat Effect: Broken Expectations and Poorly Managed Disappointments
When we interact with people, we do so based on a set of expectations. We believe that these people should behave in a certain way, that they have certain “implicit obligations” towards us. When these expectations are not met, we tend to feel frustrated, sad, disappointed and even angry. This is a normal reaction. However, over time we readjust our expectations and adapt.
However, there are times when the disappointment was so great that we were unable to move on; we remained stuck in that chapter, feeding anger and resentment towards the other person. At a certain point, we decided that we should stop suffering and we put on a raincoat. That is, we protect ourselves from the outside world. This way, they will not be able to hurt us again.
The classic example of the “Raincoat Effect” is that of a person who does not recommit to a relationship after a particularly painful disappointment. Or that of the person who does not want to have a pet because “if something happens to it, it will be a very bad time.”
Putting on a raincoat means protecting yourself from the rain and the wind, it means being safe from these elements and preventing them from harming us, but it also means closing yourself off and not letting your emotions out. That is why, if we look inside the raincoat, what we will often find is a deep fear tinged with insecurity and anger, feelings that continue to grow because we do not let other, much more positive emotions invade us and take their place.
Three risks of overprotecting yourself
1. It prevents us from growing as people. Human beings are permeable, perhaps that is one of our best qualities. We get angry at injustice and we rejoice at good news. When we exchange ideas, we change our own and when we relate to others we take on some of their habits. By letting others enter our most intimate space, we grow as people and expand our horizons. However, if we lock ourselves in, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to grow.
2. We push others away. When we close ourselves off, we prevent people from entering our inner circle, we put up a barrier to the relationship and we tell them that we are not willing to give ourselves. So, sooner or later, the person will leave us, looking for a relationship that is more open and satisfying. This will confirm our hypothesis that “everyone abandons us” or that “everyone is bad.” Although in reality, we were the main people responsible for the abandonment.
3. It leads to emotional inertia. Overprotecting oneself also has another risk: it condemns us to emotional inertia. When we do not allow ourselves to love, to want or to be passionate, our emotional life takes on a flat appearance, where there is no suffering, sadness or disappointments but neither are there joys or illusions. These people often live resigned lives. However, is it really worth living without living?
When is it necessary to protect yourself?
It is worth clarifying that there are times when the pain, suffering and disappointment are so great that we need to protect ourselves, at least until the wounds heal. In these cases, we can put on our raincoats because starting another relationship carrying with us the weight of accumulated resentment and rancor is not the best formula for success.
However, we must be careful that this raincoat does not become our second skin. From time to time, look at the sky and if you see the first rays of sunlight, open yourself to new experiences, meet people and give yourself over again. It is always worth it.
