Detecting when someone has exceeded a physical limit is very easy, even the most clueless people notice it. However, psychological boundaries are more subtle and it is often more difficult to realize that someone is crossing them.
In fact, the main problem is that we ourselves are not fully aware of our limits on an emotional level, which is why it is difficult for us to determine precisely when someone has crossed the line. To avoid further problems, we usually ignore the incident, we decide that we are not going to give it too much importance. However, that means we are pushing our limits, but we have to be careful how far we go.
Where is the limit in pushing the limits?
Expanding our limits is not something negative in itself. In fact, the most creative, intelligent and sensitive people are characterized by having more flexible limits and being willing to expand them when necessary. That willingness to change, accept difference and be tolerant is a great value.
However, in this process we must ensure that our rights are respected, otherwise we run the risk of others ending up overriding them. The ideal is to expand the limits to the point where we feel comfortable, as long as we are sure that this is the best decision.
In this sense, the philosopher and writer of Indian origin Jiddu Krishnamurti said: “Freedom consists of recognizing limits.” He meant that it is necessary to establish our own boundaries, so that the concessions we make do not conflict with our values. But it also means that it is essential to recognize and respect other people’s limits. Only in that delicate balance can a genuine and respectful relationship be consolidated where both grow.
Signs that someone is trying to cross your boundaries
1. You justify the person’s bad behavior
One of the signs that someone may be crossing your boundaries is the excuses you use to justify their bad behavior. This is a very common problem in relationships, especially when there is violence involved, whether physical or psychological. The typical justification is usually: “He is very good to me, he only treats me badly because he is too tense with work.” Or when you let a joke pass that has hurt you deeply because you know that, deep down, that person “loves you.”
The truth is that even if we are sure that the other person loves us, violence or any other type of behavior that causes harm to us is not allowed and should not be justified. We must be very attentive because the border between understanding and submission is very subtle. So the next time you try to understand why a person behaves in a certain way, make sure you’re not making an excuse to avoid having to deal with the real problem at its core.
2. You blame yourself for things that go wrong
If you constantly blame yourself for things that go wrong, whether at home or at work, there is a good chance that there is someone in your environment who is violating your boundaries. Taking responsibility for our actions is a laudable act, but we cannot shoulder the responsibilities of others because if we do, we will never solve the problem; on the contrary, we will be contributing to its perpetuation.
For example, if a co-worker has taken ownership of the success of the project you have done together, you should not think that it is your fault because you did not know how to defend it at the time of the presentation. Perhaps it is true that you have problems speaking in public but that does not mean that you have not worked hard to get to that point and that effort should be recognized. Therefore, that person is invading your space by appropriating a merit that is also yours. Don’t blame yourself, fight for what belongs to you. And the same goes for other spheres of life.
3. You doubt your decision when you hear another criterion
If after making a decision, you begin to hesitate when you hear another person’s opinion, it is likely that that friend, colleague or family member is trying to interfere in your affairs. It is worth clarifying that when we find ourselves at a crossroads, it is normal to consult other people and listen to their opinion. Sometimes these points of view can change our minds and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is an enriching process.
However, there are times when these people try to manipulate us once we have made the decision. The classic example is that of parents who affirm that they will unconditionally support their child but then continually question their decision by trying to get them to take another path.
4. Your opinions are not taken into account
If you often feel like your opinions, desires, and preferences are not taken into account, someone is probably overstepping your boundaries. In interpersonal relationships it is necessary to continually negotiate decisions. Although we are almost never aware of it, the truth is that we spend much of the day trying to reach agreements. Some may seem very trivial, such as choosing a restaurant or the movie we will see at the cinema, but others are more transcendental, such as buying a house or deciding to have a child.
In a balanced relationship, each party must strive to satisfy the other by finding a middle ground that satisfies both. However, there are times when one of the people imposes his or her criteria and does not take into account the opinions and preferences of the other. When it gets to that point, there is a clear violation of your rights as a person.
5. You feel “small”
In the most extreme cases, when the person has endured for several years someone else continually crossing their limits, they may have the feeling that they are nobody, it is as if their “self” was blurred. In fact, that is precisely what happens.
And our psychological limits not only serve to indicate to people how far they can go in their relationships with us but also determine us; That is, they identify us and differentiate us from others. Therefore, it is common for people who are not able to set healthy limits to suffer damage to their self-esteem, to see how their range of interests is gradually reduced and, in the end, to feel lost.
What to do when your limits have been crossed?
When you realize that your boundaries have been violated, you must say so clearly. Express what you think and how you feel, make your position clear on the matter so that this situation does not happen again in the future.
However, consider that there is no point in getting angry or making a drama, use a relaxed but firm tone. The essential idea you must convey is that you are not willing to give in on certain points.
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