In shipwreck movies, there’s a classic scene: a person is drowning, and someone, in a heroic act, jumps into the water to rescue them. The problem? If they don’t know the rescue technique, the desperate person in distress can grab the person so tightly that they both end up drowning.
In real life, this doesn’t just happen at sea; it happens constantly in our relationships. We rush to “save” others, forgetting that, in the process, we can end up swept away by the current of their problems.
Savior syndrome: Why do we have such a hard time letting others solve their problems?
From a young age, we’re taught that helping is good, that we should be available to lend a hand to others. Obviously, helping those in need is positive, it honors us, and it makes the world a better place… until we go too far.
“Savior Complex” describes the need to constantly rescue those around us, even when they haven’t asked us to. This tendency can be the result of upbringing, a desire for approval, or the false belief that our worth depends on how much we help others.
Psychologist Stephen Karpman was convinced that we operate in a “dramatic triangle,” essentially assuming three roles: savior, victim, and persecutor. The savior feels they must solve the lives of others; the victim accommodates their suffering; and the persecutor blames others. The curious thing is that these roles often become a source of conflict.
In fact, the savior can only fulfill his role when he overprotects others and chooses to shoulder other people’s problems, thereby preventing them from developing, learning, and growing. In these cases, help is neither healthy nor timely, but it is generally offered to maintain a self-image of goodness.
Think about it: If you’re always bailing out a friend who spends more than they have, or a colleague who never delivers on time, are you really doing them a favor? The answer is no. In fact, you could be reinforcing the problem instead of solving it.
Social pressure to “do something”
So what should you do when you see someone in your immediate circle struggling to stay afloat? Jump in the water? Throw them a life preserver? Call a lifeguard?
Sometimes, it’s best to do nothing. Not to interfere.
Our compulsion to intervene in other people’s problems is largely determined by cultural expectations. We live in a society that values action over contemplation, quick fixes over slow processes. We’ve been taught that “doing something” is always better than “doing nothing.”
But what if “doing nothing” was actually the wisest option sometimes?
Sociologist Erving Goffman spoke of the social facade, a mask we wear to meet the expectations of others. When we feel pressured to intervene in other people’s problems (because that’s what we’re supposed to do), we generally do so more to fulfill that facade than out of a genuine desire to help.
In this process, we can lose sight of what the other person really needs. A paradox arises: we become so concerned about our help being perceived as helpful that it ends up being counterproductive. In some cases, others don’t need a lifeguard or a rescuer, but simply a safe space to express themselves and find validation.
The difference between supporting and burdening others’ problems
It’s not about becoming insensitive and turning a blind eye when someone is having a hard time. A genuine desire to comfort, support, and help unites us. It’s about learning the difference between supporting and burdening others with their problems—problems they could solve on their own.
How do you know if you’re falling into the savior role?
- You feel more anguish about someone else’s problem and take it more seriously than the person involved.
- You invest a disproportionate amount of time, resources, and energy into solving something that isn’t your responsibility.
- You get frustrated and angry when the other person doesn’t follow your advice or doesn’t seem to make an effort to get ahead.
- You carry on your shoulders responsibilities that rightfully belong to someone else.
A healthier approach is to practice “compassion with limits.” Listening, being present, and offering emotional support are valuable, but taking on another’s burden as your own is a direct ticket to frustration and burnout. Taking on other people’s responsibilities is doubly hopeless due to the emotional and psychological strain it places on the “rescuer” and the opportunities for learning and growth it robs the person being “rescued.” Therefore, share their sorrows, but don’t drown in them.
The paradox of support: when less is more
Self-determination theory suggests that we have three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When we continually try to solve other people’s problems, even with the best of intentions, we undermine their autonomy and sense of competence. In other words, we’re telling them, “You can’t do this; I’ll do it for you.”
However, people grow when they face life’s challenges. They develop resilience when they fall and get back up. In this struggle, they learn, become stronger, understand themselves better, and strengthen bonds with those who have accompanied them along the way.
Of course, watching someone we love suffer can be painful, but stepping in and taking on other people’s problems isn’t always the answer.
Instead, it may be more helpful to listen without judgment, validate their feelings, and be present without trying to impose our solutions or points of view. This discreet presence not only respects their autonomy but also strengthens the relationship and demonstrates trust in the person’s ability to manage the situation and find a solution.
Sometimes, letting others have their problems isn’t a lack of empathy, but an act of respect. It’s recognizing that each person has their own path and must fight their own battles to learn the lessons that will allow them to mature.
So the next time you feel the overwhelming urge to shoulder someone else’s problems or solve someone’s life for them, ask yourself: Do they really need help, or just room to grow? Ultimately, it’s far more useful and pragmatic to teach someone to swim than to continually rescue them from the waves. As they say, the best lifeguard is the one that doesn’t need to be thrown.
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