We’ve all set a goal at some point that we haven’t been able to achieve because we’ve run out of motivation halfway through. In fact, people continually resolve to change their habits, only to take a step back and return to their old habits after a few days or weeks of effort. Why?
Most people think it’s a lack of motivation. In fact, it’s true that when we find the right motives, those that motivate us, everything becomes easier. However, it doesn’t all come down to motivation. There’s a secret ingredient that we often overlook. The problem isn’t actually a lack of motivation, but the underlying mindset that ultimately undermines it.
Self-indulgence, essential for solving problems, developing new habits, and achieving your goals
When most people think in terms of motivation, they associate it with rewards and punishments, the classic carrots and sticks. And when it comes to health-related habits in particular, we think of many carrots, all the carrots we’ll have to eat. And that’s precisely the problem.
At this point, the only logical conclusion is that we need more discipline to achieve our goal. That’s why we’re willing to pay a trainer to “torture” us in a gym. If we can’t keep up with the training at home, someone will force us to do it, someone will impose discipline on us.
Ironically, we are our own worst judges. When we break our diet or don’t deliver a project on time because we procrastinate too much, we inflict an exemplary punishment on ourselves. In those cases, no matter how motivated we are, such a punishment can devastate our motivation. When we blame ourselves, we also question our motives. At that moment, we hesitate and wonder if we have what it takes to achieve what we set out to do. What could be more demotivating?
This way of thinking is based on a very common misconception: believing that the secret to people achieving their goals by changing their bad habits lies in bulletproof discipline. We believe these are people who “torture” themselves until they bring out the best in themselves.
However, a study conducted by researchers at Bishop’s University with 3,252 people revealed that those who are able to create positive habits and change their lives are actually no more or less motivated than others, and they don’t even have an extra dose of discipline. What sets them apart and allows them to achieve their goals is self-indulgence.
Self-indulgence is the ability to forgive our mistakes, accept our behaviors, weaknesses, or failures. Being self-indulgent means treating ourselves with the kindness, affection, and understanding we would show a friend or a small child. It is not the same as being self-pitying, as this concept relates to people who feel sorry for themselves, avoid criticism, and don’t accept reality about themselves.
However, according to these psychologists, the people who succeed in changing their habits are those who practice self-indulgence, those who don’t constantly punish themselves and blame themselves every time they make a mistake. Instead, they ask themselves how they could do things differently.
This way of relating to themselves takes them out of the “I’m a loser” mode and allows them to function in a much more effective problem-solving mode. Instead of thinking, “I should stop being so lazy and force myself to go to the gym,” they think in terms of solutions: “I’m really tired because I stayed up late last night. I need to go to bed earlier today so I can get in shape and go to the gym tomorrow.”
These people don’t see the situation as a confirmation of personal weakness, but rather as a problem they must solve. This is what is known as a “Problem-Solving Mindset.” People who think this way leave emotions out of the equation and force themselves to analyze the situation more objectively. Instead of judging and criticizing themselves, they examine the facts, investigate their causes, and seek a viable solution.
Instead of being harsh on themselves and adding more pressure, they indulge themselves and focus on finding the right conditions to perform better and achieve their goal. In fact, there’s no benefit in beating ourselves up and punishing ourselves.
What is the key to being self-indulgent?
An excellent strategy is to imagine that there is a scared little child inside you. When you feel disappointed by your behavior because you didn’t have the necessary discipline, think about what you would say to that child. How would you treat him? Would you yell at him, criticize him, and damage his self-esteem by making him feel bad, or would you encourage him to find a solution and move on?
Treat yourself as you would treat that little child. Your mistakes are sources of learning, not reasons to punish yourself.
References:
Sirois, F. M. et. Al. (2015) Self-compassion, affect, and health-promoting behaviors. Health Psychology; 34(6): 661-669.
Terry, m. L. & Leary, M. R. (2011) Self-compassion, self-regulation, and health. Self and Identity; 10 (3): 352–362.
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