Our early years leave an indelible mark. In fact, the way we were raised not only shapes our childhood, but also leaves a silent imprint that extends for decades. Many of our decisions, fears, expectations, and even the way we interpret what happens to us are rooted in the relationships we established with our parents, even if we aren’t always aware of it. We can grow up, become independent, and build our own lives, but certain emotional and relational patterns stay with us, operating in the background, below the radar of our conscious awareness.
Obviously, this doesn’t mean we should blame our parents for everything we are or everything that happens to us, but understanding the influence of our upbringing will help us gain perspective, understand ourselves better, and hopefully change what’s holding us back. Understanding what has shaped us allows us to make more conscious choices in the present. And, in some cases, it’s also profoundly liberating because it helps us understand why, even though we’re doing everything right, happiness or well-being seems to elude us.
Authoritarian and controlling parents destroy the happiness of their children
Many studies have analyzed how parenting influences child development, but now researchers from University College London have gone a step further to assess how parents’ educational style can determine our level of happiness throughout our lives.
They followed more than 2,000 people born between 1946 and the present day, aiming to discover the impact of parenting styles on their well-being throughout their lives. They asked participants to recall what their parents were like when they were children and measured their levels of well-being and happiness at four life stages: between the ages of 13 and 15, at 36, at 43, and finally between 60 and 64.
The results were clear: those who had more attentive parents and perceived that they were better cared for had the highest scores on the well-being scale. Conversely, those who said their mother or father psychologically controlled them, invading their privacy or preventing them from seeing their friends, showed lower levels of emotional well-being decades later, even in advanced adulthood. In fact, the researchers compared the decline in mental well-being to that which occurs when we lose a close friend or family member.
This finding is particularly relevant because it is not limited to a specific time, such as adolescence or early adulthood, but rather it assessed the effect of parental control over time. In other words, it is not just a difficult phase that is overcome, but an influence that can leave a lasting mark on how people relate to others, to themselves, and how they perceive the world.
Why can excessive control affect happiness?
It is important to make a distinction because psychological control was understood as the attempt to make the child dependent on one or both parents, constantly invading their privacy and refusing to let them make their own decisions.
In contrast, parents who only controlled behavior, that is, who did not let children get away with everything, did not have a negative impact on their children in adult life.
1. Limited psychological autonomy
Self-determination theory states that for a person to grow and have good mental health, they must satisfy three basic needs: autonomy, a sense of competence, and connection with others, which gives them a sense of belonging.
Autonomy allows us to make decisions and feel that we have a certain degree of control over our lives. When parents are overly controlling, they tend to interfere in decisions, limit exploration, and direct their children’s behavior.
As a result, that person is likely to trust their own judgment less and rely more on external validation. And this dependence often leads to insecurity, constant doubts, and difficulty making decisions, which will negatively impact their life satisfaction.
2. Internalization of criticism
Parental control is often accompanied by constant supervision and, in many cases, frequent criticism or corrections. Although the intention is good in most cases, the implicit message the child receives is that they are not good enough as they are.
Over time, that external voice becomes internalized. It transforms into a demanding, critical, and merciless inner dialogue. Without realizing it, we repeat the same words our parents told us. And if that inner dialogue constantly evaluates, corrects, or questions our worth, it ends up affecting our self-esteem and well-being.
3. Disconnection from one’s own needs
When decisions are constantly imposed from the outside, we have less space to listen to what we want or need. If parents don’t allow their children to make decisions appropriate to their age and level of maturity, those children will ultimately have trouble connecting with themselves.
If a person is unclear about their preferences, needs, desires, or even personal boundaries, they will find it more difficult to build a meaningful life. This isn’t due to a lack of resources, but rather a lack of alignment between what they do (which depends primarily on the validation of others) and what would truly make them feel good.
4. Fear of making mistakes
In highly controlling environments, mistakes often carry a high emotional cost, typically resulting in disapproval, punishment, or withdrawal of affection. When this dynamic is repeated over and over in childhood, it often lays the foundation for a problematic relationship with errors.
In adulthood, this translates into a fear of making mistakes, a tendency to avoid risks and difficulties in leaving one’s comfort zone. In the long run, this limits opportunities for growth, learning, and even meaningful experiences – key elements for a more fulfilling and happy life.
5. Relationship difficulties
Our earliest relationships, those we have with our parents, become a model for future ones. If that bond is marked by control, we may end up reproducing similar dynamics, meaning we might accept dominant relationships where the other person decides and commands, simply because it’s what feels familiar.
However, we could also fall into the opposite extreme, developing a hypersensitivity to control. In that case, any attempt at closeness is perceived as a threat to our autonomy, which automatically pushes us to distance ourselves.
In both cases, the quality of relationships, one of the strongest pillars of psychological well-being, suffers because we establish unbalanced bonds marked by submission or avoidance, instead of cultivating reciprocity and trust.
Obviously, the fact that our childhood shapes us doesn’t mean it’s a destiny we can’t escape. Recognizing that we grew up with controlling and authoritarian parents can help us make the necessary adjustments to gain autonomy. We can’t rewrite our past, but understanding it will allow us to expand our options in the present to feel better and more comfortable with ourselves.
Source:
Stafford, M. et. Al. (2016) Parent-child relationships and offspring’s positive mental wellbeing from adolescence to early older age. The Journal of Positive Psychology; 11(3): 326-337.
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