Most parents try their best in their children’s education. Unfortunately, good intentions are often not enough. In many cases, parents end up adopting parenting styles that, far from being good for their children, damage their self-esteem and create emotional wounds. In some cases, the problem is that they repeat the parenting patterns they learned from their parents; in other cases, the problem is that they adopt the exact opposite pattern.
Toxic parental behaviors that affect children’s emotional development
Sometimes, some parents engage in behaviors that become toxic to their children. Being aware of these attitudes and behaviors will allow them to eliminate them and build a truly nurturing relationship, not only for the child, but also for themselves. Because being a parent can be a particularly enriching experience of personal growth.
1. Being hypercritical. Constructive criticism is always welcome because it helps a child grow. Good criticism points out mistakes and offers options for change. However, constant and incisive criticism can be very destructive, creating a sense of failure in children. A child with hypercritical parents will end up distrusting their abilities, developing low self-esteem, and a tendency toward perfectionism, which, in the long run, will become an obstacle in their life because it only serves to encourage a fierce inner critic.
2. Punishing negative emotions. The distinction between positive and negative emotions is absurd. Fear can save our lives in certain circumstances and can become an obstacle in others. However, many parents suppress their children’s expression of what they consider to be negative emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness, or frustration. This only serves to emotionally cripple their children, making them feel inadequate because they are feeling things they shouldn’t. We must keep in mind that we cannot avoid feeling a certain way; the important thing is knowing how to channel those emotions. Therefore, it’s not about repressing the emotion, but rather teaching them how to channel it.
3. Decide for them. Many adults think that children have no say, that they don’t know how and shouldn’t make decisions. However, the truth is that children are born with a kind of compass for happiness. They may not have experience, but they know what makes them happy and what makes them sad. Parents who always decide for their children and impose their points of view will end up raising a rebellious child or an insecure and emotionally dependent child, incapable of making decisions on their own. Therefore, the best alternative is to gradually give them greater freedom to make the decisions within their reach.
4. Instilling fear in them. Children have no sense of danger, but that’s not a valid reason to instill fear of life in them. It’s true that parents should ensure their children’s safety and prevent unnecessary accidents, but there’s a long way from that to prohibiting them from practically everything, locking them in a bell jar. Children also need to explore, make their own mistakes, and experience pain. This way, they grow stronger and learn to face life confidently, trusting in their abilities. If we instill fear in them, we will raise people who are insecure and fearful of life. And living in fear is not living.
5. Generate guilt. Being a parent is difficult, but that’s no excuse to take out frustrations on your children. In fact, some parents blame their children for not being able to finish their studies, for the failure of their marriage, or even for being sick. In practice, they make the child the sole person responsible for their happiness or unhappiness. However, when a child grows up with the heavy burden of guilt, they buckle under its weight and become an adult dependent on the approval of others who is incapable of making decisions because they are afraid of the consequences. Therefore, it’s important to be careful with the words we use with our children and eliminate recriminations from our speech.
6. Condition love. During a child’s first years of life, a critical period for establishing a secure attachment occurs. If parents meet their needs, not only physiological but also emotional, the child will understand that they are growing up in a safe environment. On the contrary, if parents condition their love on certain behaviors or achievements, the child will believe they are unworthy of being loved. This will likely be a feeling they will carry with them for much of their life. They will think they are unworthy of the affection and respect of others, which will reflect on their interpersonal and romantic relationships. Therefore, it would be better to banish phrases like “you’ve been bad, I don’t love you ” or “you’ve gotten bad grades, you don’t deserve what we give you ” from your communication with your children. Instead, let them know that you love them unconditionally, regardless of their mistakes.
7. Not setting limits. One of the biggest mistakes parents often make today is not setting limits. Some parents confuse freedom with debauchery. However, children who grow up without limits or rules often develop challenging behaviors; they simply aren’t happy. When children are young and discovering the world, limits serve to keep them safe. On the other hand, rules bring order to their world; they know what’s expected of them and can behave accordingly. Of course, it’s not about turning the house into a military barracks, but there must be some limits and rules to ensure family harmony and the child’s healthy psychological development.
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