Virtually every parenting manual extols the power of praise. In fact, there is no shortage of self-help and self-improvement gurus who suggest that the best thing a parent can do for their children is to build their self-esteem through a constant stream of praise.
Tell your child how smart he is when he passes a test. Highlight his artistic side when he draws something nice. Celebrate his sporting skills when he scores a goal or wins a race… According to this approach, negativity should be banished from the family environment, so that we can focus exclusively on the child’s successes.
It’s actually a pretty basic idea: telling kids they’re awesome will make them confident, happy people with good self-esteem.
But there is a small problem with all this: it is an overly simplistic and even utopian view of the human psyche, which follows much more complex paths. Research suggests that telling children they are brilliant and overflowing with talent can be terrible.
The experiment that destroyed the benefits of praise
In the late 1990s, two psychologists at Columbia University conducted a large-scale program on the psychology of praise. More than 400 children, ages 10 to 12, participated in their experiments. One of the most interesting studies consisted of four phases. In the first phase, the children took an intelligence test. When they were finished, the experimenters took the tests away and calculated the scores, but gave the children false feedback.
Some children were told that they had done well, that they had solved 80% of the problems correctly. Another group was told that they must be little geniuses to have been able to solve so many puzzles. And a third group was told nothing at all.
According to those who promote the power of praise, simply spending a few seconds praising a child’s ability can have a very positive effect on his or her performance. However, the results not only revealed that this hypothesis was not true, but also showed that praise had a negative effect.
In the second stage of the experiment, the researchers told the children they could choose between two tasks: one was very difficult (a challenge they might fail) and one was easy (they would probably do well but learn very little).
Interestingly, about 65% of the children who had been praised and labeled as “geniuses” chose the easy task. Only 45% of the children who were not told anything chose the easier task.
It was found that children who had received a lot of praise were more likely to avoid challenges and difficult situations, opting for easier tasks. Obviously, this is not good news. But the worst was yet to come.
In the third stage of the experiment, the researchers gave the children more problems. This time they were even more difficult than the first ones they had faced. After finishing, they were asked if they had enjoyed the task and if they would like to take similar problems home with them.
Even more dramatic differences between the groups then emerged. Children who had received more praise reported that they had enjoyed the activity less and were less likely to continue solving problems at home.
In the fourth and final stage of the experiment, the researchers asked the children to take a final test. They had to solve a series of fairly simple puzzles, of the same level of complexity as the ones they were first presented with. At this point, it was noted that those who had been praised scored lower than the others, and even worse than their scores at the start of the experiment.
In summary, the children whose intelligence was most praised:
1. They preferred to avoid challenges, opting for simpler tasks, even if they did not provide anything new.
2. They enjoyed the activity less.
3. They showed a decrease in performance, making more mistakes.
Why can praise have such devastating effects?
There are different factors at play.
It is true that telling a child that he is very intelligent makes him feel good, but it can also generate fear of failure, so that the child wants to avoid difficult situations, challenges in which he could fail, if he does not have the success that others expect of him. Expectations of success therefore become a limitation.
On the other hand, the child may interpret this praise as an indication that he does not have to try hard to achieve a good performance; after all, he is already a “genius.” Consequently, he is likely to feel less motivated, pay less attention, and make mistakes, thus achieving poor results.
When he or she realises that he or she is not actually a “genius”, his or her self-esteem will be shattered. In fact, the psychological impact of a bad result is not something to be taken lightly. For children, social appreciation and acceptance are very important. So much so that in that same experiment, 40% of the children who had been highly praised lied about their performance to their peers, while only 10% of the other children lied to look good in the eyes of others.
Is all praise bad for children’s self-esteem?
In reality, this is not the case. In fact, we have only looked at two of the three groups of children who participated in the experiment. There was one group that was only told: “You did well, you made an effort and you solved 80% of the problems correctly.”
These children behaved very differently from the rest. When it came to choosing between a difficult and an easy task, only 10% of them selected the easy option. They also indicated that they enjoyed the challenge and performed the best on the last set of problems, even improving their own scores.
First of all, it should be noted that the researchers did not praise the ability itself (intelligence), but the results achieved and the effort. In this way, they managed to motivate the children but, at the same time, they prevented the fear of failure from being established. They also managed to prevent them from becoming overconfident, since they did not attribute their results to an innate characteristic but to the work done.
So… what should praise look like to promote healthy self-esteem in children?
It’s easy to fall into the trap of giving easy praise to make your child feel good. However, research shows that such praise can have a very damaging effect. So, when you’re giving your child praise, keep these three golden rules in mind:
1. Praise effort, not ability
It is said that genius is made up of 1% talent and 99% hard work. These proportions can vary, but there is no doubt that talent is useless if the person does not make an effort to develop it. Therefore, it is important that you instill in your child the idea that to achieve something, it is necessary to dedicate time, energy and determination. Highlight their effort, not the ability that is found in the base. For example, if they score a goal in the match, do not congratulate them only for the point, make sure to reinforce perseverance throughout all the days of training.
2. Don’t exaggerate, be specific
Excessive praise, such as “you are a great painter ” or “you are a genius ” is often excessive and can backfire, especially on children with low self-esteem. It is better to focus on the result. Express what you liked, for example, you can say: “I really liked your drawing ” or “you solved that problem very well ”. This type of praise is more realistic and objective, so you do not run the risk of artificially increasing the child’s self-esteem. Remember that artificial self-esteem is just as harmful as low self-esteem.
3. Don’t add pressure, motivate
Sometimes parents look up to their children and overdo their praise, as it is like they are praising themselves. They do not realise that this only adds unnecessary pressure, which can create a deep fear of failure. Therefore, make sure that your praise is not a further source of anxiety for the child, but rather serves to keep him motivated. Let him know that you love him unconditionally, beyond his achievements and mistakes. This way you also prevent the child from becoming dependent on the assessment of others, thus developing his self-confidence and security.
References:
Mueller, C. M. & Dweck, C. S. (1998) Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 75(1): 33-52.
Dweck, C. S. (1999) Caution – Praise can be dangerous. American Educator; 23: 4–9.
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