Every parent thinks their child is special. And in a way, they’re right, since each and every one of us is a very special, unique person. However, constantly telling a child that they’re very special can have adverse effects, as it can sow the seeds of childhood narcissism.
This was revealed by a study conducted at the University of Amsterdam, which found that the most effective strategy for raising young narcissists is to make children believe they are better than others. Parents turn their children into narcissists when they overvalue them.
Of course, it should be noted that we all have a small dose of narcissism. In fact, it’s not a negative thing, but rather a positive thing for our self-esteem. However, when narcissism is high, it becomes a problem because it leads to artificially high self-esteem and becomes a barrier to interpersonal relationships. No one wants to be around a narcissist, someone who always puts their needs before those of others and expects others to idolize them. Therefore, the worst thing we can do with a child is to instill narcissism.
Every child is as special as another child
This is the first study to follow children over time to assess how the narcissistic pattern develops. The study involved 565 children in the Netherlands, aged between 7 and 11, a critical age at which the first signs of narcissism begin to emerge.
The children completed a series of personality tests assessing their level of narcissism. The researchers also observed their behavior and interviewed their parents to determine whether the children displayed narcissistic attitudes in their daily lives and in their relationships with their peers.
However, these psychologists had a trick up their sleeve: they asked the parents some trick questions. For example, they asked if their child knew the story of “Queen Alberta” or the “Fable of Benson the Rabbit.” Some parents claimed their children knew these stories, even though they were actually stories invented by the researchers.
Thus, a correlation was observed between parents who overestimated their children’s abilities and their children’s level of narcissism. In practice, what happens is that when parents treat their children as if they were better than others and exaggerate their abilities, the child’s ego becomes excessively inflated.
Obviously, overestimating children’s abilities and constantly telling them they are very intelligent and special is not the only cause of narcissism. We must not forget that this problem also has a genetic component and depends on other environmental factors. However, there is no doubt that certain exaggerated attitudes on the part of parents contribute to fostering a certain degree of narcissism in children.
How to build good self-esteem without falling into narcissism?
In a previous article, I mentioned the adverse effects that praise can have on children, especially when it’s not delivered appropriately. The same applies to narcissism. Therefore, it’s important for parents to keep these five golden rules in mind when raising their children:
1. You are as special as everyone else. It’s important for children to know from a young age that they are special, but parents shouldn’t overdo it. Every child is different and special in their own right. Being special doesn’t mean being better, just unique and different.
2. I accept you unconditionally as a person. The foundation of a secure attachment and good childhood self-esteem is acceptance. Children need to know they are loved and accepted just as they are. However, that doesn’t mean parents should accept all their behaviors. When a child makes a mistake, they should correct it, but they must also know that this mistake will not detract from their parents’ love.
3. Every thing in its own time. Parents often go out of their way to accommodate their children’s desires; this is an understandable tendency, but it’s not beneficial. Children must also learn to wait their turn, understand the value and effort behind things, and learn to respect the needs of others.
4. Don’t overdo it with praise. Praise, to fulfill its motivating function and foster healthy self-esteem, must be measured and realistic. Telling a child they’re a genius or a great artist won’t help them. Instead, appreciate the effort they’ve put in, or the results of their work. In any case, if you want to praise an ability, be sure not to overdo it. Don’t let parental love blind you, because doing so can hurt the child.
5. Be careful with privileges. Narcissism is basically thinking we are the center of the universe. It’s a perception of oneself in relation to the environment that children develop based on the relationship they establish, primarily, with their parents. Therefore, to prevent narcissism, it’s important for parents not to grant children excessive privileges that make them feel superior to their peers.
Reference:
Brummelman, E. et. Al. (2015) Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences; 112(12): 3659–3662.
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