Communication is present in any human relationship and is one of our most basic needs. Talking allows us to meet another person, discover a universe different from our own and, eventually, enrich our support network.
However, there are times when communication affects relationships and even breaks them completely. There are times when words become a source of misunderstandings and conflicts that generate stress and tension. When this happens, it is almost always because one of the two people has fallen into some of the traps of communication.
1. Mind reading
Some people tend to be true specialists in falling into this trap; in fact, they may stumble over it again and again. A fairly common example is that of the person who gets angry with his/her partner because he/she forgot something. However, instead of telling them, the person withdraws into themselves, waiting for the other person to discover it on their own. When they don’t, the person gets even more angry and, as a result, they often argue.
This attitude is known as “mind reading” because we assume that the other person must understand what we are thinking and must know exactly what we need and feel without needing us to express it. By assuming this attitude, it is as if we were passing the hot ball to the other person, as if we were relinquishing all responsibility as we adopted a psychological distance from the supposed problem.
If the other person doesn’t know us well enough or is simply too busy thinking about their problems, they probably won’t realize what’s happening to us. As a result, communication will have broken down and we will have been left with that feeling of dissatisfaction.
Obviously, the solution is quite simple: express what we want, think or feel.
2. The magic ball
Ambiguous phrases are one of the main sources of misunderstandings in relationships. When words can have different meanings, the other person can interpret them in the wrong way, taking their context as a reference.
One of the most classic examples is found when one person says to the other: “Yes, you do it always.” This phrase can give rise to different interpretations, depending on the communicative context and the tone of voice used. It could indicate that the person is trying their hardest or, conversely, that they are not doing enough.
How we take that phrase depends not only on the tone of voice but also on our previous history with that person or even how we feel that day. For this reason, the interpretation we make is called a magic ball since it implies that we analyze an ambiguous message from our point of view, giving it a very subjective interpretation that often gives rise to discussions.
The solution is very simple: ask what exactly he meant, don’t jump to conclusions.
3. The indirect method
In this case, we avoid touching on the topic that is causing the conflict and we go around the bush, complaining about other things, talking about the issue but without naming it directly or leaving the sentences unfinished or using phrases that are too general. This is a trap that we tend to fall into quite frequently, especially when we do not find the appropriate way to express our concern or we are afraid of how the other person will accept it.
An example of the indirect method is when we use phrases like “you never take me into account” or “it always happens like this.” Normally these phrases arise in a specific context and want to express two things: 1. That the person does not feel comfortable with that particular situation and, 2. That similar events have occurred in the past and that they would like them not to be repeated.
Another example is when the person overreacts to a small mistake by the partner when in reality, what bothers them is something else. Obviously, when someone receives vague or indirect complaints, he feels that he is being attacked and responds aggressively, thus creating a very negative communication context.
The solution is to stop for a moment to think about what really worries us and look for the most appropriate words to convey the message.
