Abuse is not only physical, it is also emotional, mental and verbal. However, while physical violence is obvious, other types of abuse are more subtle and difficult to detect, even for the person being abused.
The main problem is that emotional abuse is often committed by someone close to us, someone we love and from whom we do not expect such behaviour. Therefore, when we realise it, it is because we are already entangled in the spider web that has been built around us.
It usually starts with a casual comment about a trivial topic, such as the color of the curtains, the dishes to be washed, or taking the car to the mechanic. That person will take the situation out of context and, instead of simply pointing out a fact, will make an accusation to make the other person feel bad.
Obviously, when someone feels accused, the most common thing is that they try to defend themselves by explaining their reasons. However, it will not help because the harasser does not intend to understand or solve the problem, they just want to attack. In reality, their goal is not to get the other person to wash the dishes or take the car to the mechanic, this is just an excuse to start the game of manipulation and give free rein to their anger.
Puppets in the hands of others: The most damaging manipulation techniques
1. Gaslighting
This term comes from the play “Gas Light,” in which the protagonist tried to convince his wife that she was crazy by manipulating different objects in her environment and insisting that she was wrong when she pointed out these variations.
In practice, this person is dedicated to presenting false information, to make us doubt our memory and perception and, ultimately, even our sanity. The abuser usually begins by denying that certain events have occurred, until he or she stages strange situations that disorient his or her victim. In this way, we end up doubting even what we said a minute ago.
2. Silence
Silence can also be used as an emotional abuse tactic. In fact, the indifference associated with silence causes deep emotional wounds because it not only increases the level of anxiety in the victim but also deeply damages their self-esteem and causes enormous insecurity.
The abuser uses silence to punish his victim, he simply does not respond, he appears cold and distant. In this way, he stretches the rope to the maximum, until the other person can no longer bear it and ends up apologizing for something he has not done. In this way, the abuser achieves his goal: to dominate and manipulate by playing with emotions.
3. Projection
Basically, it is a defense mechanism through which we attribute to other people desires and feelings that are ours but that we do not recognize as our own because they would unbalance the image we have of ourselves. Thus, by projecting them onto others, we feel relieved.
In emotional abuse, the person projects his or her own insecurities, fears and problems onto the victim. Therefore, he or she will accuse the other person of lying, when in reality it is he or she who is lying, or he or she will accuse him or her of being unfaithful, when in fact it is she or he who is betraying. In practice, it is about unloading his or her responsibility onto the other person, to create confusion and change his or her self-image, designing it in his or her image and likeness.
4. Covert bullying
The person who resorts to emotional abuse tactics does not usually use aggression and violence, at least not in an obvious way because their main objective is to manipulate their victim without damaging their image. For this reason, in many cases they tend to resort to covert intimidation.
It is easy to notice because his speech is full of indirect threats, which are implicit in his words. In this way, he makes it clear to his victim what the consequences of his actions would be and, in the process, he points out that the responsibility is only his, he washes his hands. For example, he can say: “I understand that you do nothing, but this will end our relationship ” or “if you do not invest right now, you will lose all your money ”.
5. Victimhood
When all the above tactics fail, the abuser often resorts to victimhood. In practice, he or she dumps his or her responsibility on the other person and resorts to emotional blackmail, making himself or herself out to be the victim of the situation. In fact, it is even common for us to end up feeling sorry for ourselves and bad about our behavior, when in reality we have done nothing wrong.
In this way, the abuser generates a feeling of guilt that keeps the victim trapped in his web. Empathy makes us fall into his web and, by turning us into the “bad guy,” we are more likely to give in to his demands. In this way, he manipulates us without us being aware of it. Typical phrases of this type of emotional manipulation are: “with everything I have done for you and this is how you repay me ” or “I have sacrificed myself for you and you don’t consider it .”
P.S.: Remember that emotional manipulation is a very dangerous game, where someone always ends up hurt. Therefore, as soon as you notice any of these tactics, put a stop to them. Likewise, consider that sometimes we are the ones who unconsciously use some of these strategies, perhaps because we are afraid of losing the person we love or because we do not have enough arguments. In that case, do some soul searching because manipulation is never the best alternative.
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