The concept of Emotional Intelligence burst onto the public scene in 1995, when psychologist Daniel Goleman published his famous book of the same name. Although the concept itself already existed, from that moment on, emotional intelligence became ubiquitous, especially because many assumed it was a kind of “shortcut” to professional success or a panacea for escaping emotional distress and living in a kind of “emotional nirvana.”
The popularization of Emotional Intelligence gave rise to multiple interpretations (and misinterpretations), many of them quite far from the original idea, so that, far from helping us grow and better understand our affective universe, they have ended up feeding unrealistic expectations that condemn us to an excessive level of self-demand and, therefore, to guilt and dissatisfaction.
The big myth about Emotional Intelligence that we must dispel
When people ask me how to develop Emotional Intelligence, I sense that many are looking for the magic formula to keep emotional turmoil under control and shield themselves from affective chaos.
Most people think that being emotionally intelligent means not getting angry, not getting sad, not getting irritated, not falling down, not reacting intensely… They believe that developing this skill will allow them to feel good and react assertively in any circumstance.
Reality check: that’s impossible.
Emotions don’t have a switch. You don’t decide when to turn them off or what to feel. The only thing you can do is manage their expression. That is, decide how to channel your anger, frustration, or sadness.
Emotional intelligence will not turn you into a “gray stone” immune to negative emotions, it will only help you understand and manage them better.
Control is not regular
It may seem like a truism, but it is worth introducing a key distinction to understand the meaning of Emotional Intelligence: emotional control is not the same as emotional regulation.
- Control often involves suppressing, blocking, or denying emotion
- Regulation , on the other hand, demands understanding it, inhabiting it, and deciding how to respond
Being emotionally intelligent involves operating in the background. It’s not about not feeling, but about ceasing to act automatically based on what we feel. In other words, the emotion exists as a backdrop (we feel angry or frustrated), but we don’t allow it to automatically dictate our behavior.
The goal of developing emotional intelligence is not to control or suppress emotions and feelings before they arise, but to use them wisely to regulate our behavior. In other words, it’s not about ignoring them, but about integrating them assertively.
Ultimately, trying to control an emotion without understanding it is like simply turning off a fire alarm without checking if there is still a fire burning.
Emotions are not the problem
Another widespread misconception I often see is that emotions are a kind of “system error” – something we should correct, minimize, or fix as soon as possible. Because of this, many believe that being emotionally intelligent is synonymous with eliminating discomfort and living in a state of permanent emotional equilibrium.
However, emotions are not failures, they are signals. They inform us of our unmet needs, crossed boundaries, significant losses, threats, or desires. The problem is not feeling anxiety, but not understanding what triggers it. The problem is not getting angry, but not being able to regulate our behavior.
For this reason, it makes no sense to berate ourselves with phrases like, “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “It’s not that big of a deal, I can’t get like this.” That’s not Emotional Intelligence. In fact, it doesn’t even eliminate the emotion; it often intensifies it, adding anger, guilt, or anxiety for feeling in a way we consider “inappropriate.”
The result is a double emotional burden: the original emotion plus the struggle against it and all the discomfort it triggers.
Furthermore, we must recognize that, despite their negative reputation, expressing anger, frustration, or irritation can be adaptive in certain circumstances. There are no inherently negative emotions, as each one serves an important function.
Therefore, Emotional Intelligence is not about maintaining tight control over your emotions, much less about always feeling good.
What is Emotional Intelligence really?
Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, some of the forerunners of the concept of Emotional Intelligence, defined it as “The ability to perceive and express emotions, assimilate them into thought, understand them and reason through them, as well as regulate them in oneself and in others.”
This means that it’s not actually a single skill, but rather a set of competencies. According to these psychologists, the components of Emotional Intelligence are:
1. Emotional perception
It involves the ability to recognize our own emotions and those of others. It’s a fundamental pillar because if we aren’t able to reach a certain level of emotional granularity, we can’t even talk about affective regulation. In other words, we have to go beyond “I feel terrible” and accurately label what we feel or what others are experiencing.
2. Emotional understanding
This skill goes a step further because, in addition to labeling emotions, it involves being able to understand what has caused them and what impact they have. And that also implies tolerance for discomfort. That is, the ability to hold onto unpleasant emotions without experiencing an urgent need for them to disappear because we understand their message and function.
3. Emotional facilitation
This skill requires understanding the impact of emotions on thinking, thus opening the door to greater self-awareness and well-being. It allows us to use emotions as a guide and source of motivation, but it also helps us shift our perspective to approach problems from different angles and make better decisions. This ability helps us realize when we’re making a mountain out of a molehill or when we can’t find a solution simply because we’re too fixated on a particular issue.
4. Emotional Regulation
It is the ability to manage our own emotions and those of others in an adaptive way. It means that we are able to calm ourselves to respond more appropriately, but also that we can increase emotional intensity if the situation demands it. It means that we consciously decide how to express what we feel.
Therefore, Emotional Intelligence:
- It’s not control, but regulation with sound judgment
- It is not suppression, but understanding
- It’s not about calm at all costs, but about emotional coherence
- It is not happiness, but greater inner clarity
Ultimately, it’s the ability to connect with, manage, and express our emotional world in a way that allows us to be consistent with ourselves and, at the same time, with what others are feeling. It’s not about always being okay or controlling our feelings with an iron fist, but rather about connecting with that emotional universe from a more mature, curious, kind, and understanding perspective.
Source:
Mayer, J. D. y Salovey, P. (1997). What is emotional intelligence? En P. Salovey y D. Sluyter (Eds.). Emotional development and emotional intelligence: Implications for educators (pp. 3-31). Nueva York, Nueva York: BasicBooks.
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