Updated: 09/01/2026 por Jennifer Delgado | Published: 26/08/2024
Do you feel like you’re not enough? Do you criticize yourself more than you praise yourself? Sometimes what undermines your self-esteem isn’t major failures or even small mistakes, but everyday habits that go unnoticed yet create a thought pattern that hinders your ability to appreciate what you do and value yourself properly.
In my experience, these habits stem from childhood, from a family environment where self-love wasn’t valued. Parents with low self-esteem often pass on certain mental habits to their children that prevent them from loving and accepting themselves. In other cases, they are internalized mental dialogues, especially if you were belittled by those around you as a child.
The good news is that being aware of these habits is the first step toward eliminating them and developing healthy self-esteem. We can’t erase the habits we were taught in childhood, but we have the power to change our way of thinking as adults.
What habits destroy self-esteem?
Self-esteem is essentially the value you place on yourself, and it largely depends on how you see and speak to yourself. Therefore, what you tell yourself makes all the difference. A study conducted at Effat University found that negative and excessively self-critical inner dialogue negatively impacts self-esteem. However, this mental script is so ingrained that you probably don’t even realize the harm it’s doing to you.
1. Constantly Disqualifying Yourself
Stop for a moment and listen carefully to your inner dialogue. What do you say to yourself? Do you often tell yourself that you’re worthless and that you don’t have the necessary qualities to succeed in life? Do you say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend?
That kind of self-talk, which someone probably passed on to you at some point, only serves to demean you and close doors to opportunities. Obviously, the problem isn’t criticizing yourself occasionally, but rather constantly putting yourself down.
When you talk to yourself like that day after day, your self-esteem ends up suffering because you start to believe that narrative. Little by little, you doubt yourself more, you’re less daring, and any mistake becomes a confirmation of all the bad things you already thought about yourself.
What can you do?
Start by listening to yourself. Not to judge yourself, but to become aware of how you treat yourself when something doesn’t go well. That awareness is already a first step.
Talk to yourself more like you would to someone you love. It’s not about deceiving yourself, but about stopping being your own worst enemy and attacking yourself every time you make a mistake.
2. Acting like a victim
We’ve all had moments when we feel deeply miserable or believe there’s no way out. But when faced with difficulties, there are two ways to act: some rise to the challenge, while others simply feel sorry for themselves and assume the role of victims of others or of fate.
However, clinging to the victim role only reinforces feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem. Every time you place the responsibility for your life in the hands of others or on circumstances, you lose control over your decisions, and your confidence erodes a little more. Recognizing that your choices have consequences isn’t blaming yourself; it’s reclaiming power over your own life.
What can you do?
Focus on what you can control. Make a list of decisions or actions that depend on you and act on them, even if they are small things. This will restore your self-efficacy and self-esteem
Shift your mindset from victimhood. While turning the page isn’t easy, try changing your inner dialogue to become the protagonist of your own life. Stop asking yourself, “Why did this happen to me?” and start asking yourself, “What can I do now?”
Stop blaming others and focus on your own accomplishments. Celebrate every step you take on your own, no matter how small. This will boost your self-esteem and break the cycle of victimization.
3. Demanding too much of oneself
Perfectionists often have low self-esteem because nothing they do meets their expectations. Since they strive for perfection, their results always seem incomplete or unsatisfactory
In this way, they don’t tend to take pride in their achievements and don’t offer themselves words of encouragement. Therefore, even if you were one of the top students in your class or one of the most brilliant professionals, you’ll have low self-esteem if you’ve set the bar too high for yourself.
What can you do?
Redefine your standards. In the vast majority of situations in life, everything doesn’t need to be perfect. Sometimes, good or good enough is sufficient. Redefining your standards will allow you to stop demanding so much of yourself.
Act without striving for perfection. Often, excessive self-imposed pressure paralyzes you. But it’s better to take an imperfect step than to wait for the perfect moment. Every action counts and reminds you that you can move forward without having to be perfect.
4. Comparing yourself to others
Looking around and comparing is a perfectly natural human tendency, as it helps you orient yourself, learn, and understand the world. The problem arises when these comparisons are used to highlight only your flaws or insecurities – in other words, when you always come out looking bad.In fact, making it a habit destroys your self-esteem because it puts you in the role of your own harshest judge, instead of helping you gain confidence and grow. Putting yourself last on the list because there will always be someone smarter, better-looking, or more capable is a recipe for low self-esteem.
What can you do?
Compare strategies, not people. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this situation or this strategy?” instead of saying, “I’m not as good as him/her.” It makes a substantial difference because it will help you improve, instead of coming out worse in every comparison.
Practice gratitude and acknowledge your strengths. Whenever you notice yourself comparing yourself negatively, identify three things you’ve done well or that make you proud of yourself. This will stop the automatic thought pattern.
5. Focus on the mistakes
Some people, even after achieving a goal, look back and point out their mistakes. It’s natural to make mistakes along the way, as failures are part of the process. Furthermore, recognizing what you did wrong will help you improve next time.
However, if you want to stay motivated and have healthy self-esteem, it’s important that mistakes don’t become the standard by which you measure yourself because this way you’ll minimize your achievements and maximize your weaknesses, which, obviously, isn’t ideal for feeling good about yourself.
What can you do?
Allow yourself to make mistakes without thinking it’s the end of the world. We all make mistakes. Think of errors as information and learning opportunities. Replace that ruthless self-criticism with a more compassionate view of yourself.
Change your tone, not your expectations. You can acknowledge a mistake without beating yourself up. Saying “This didn’t turn out the way I wanted” is very different from dismissing yourself by thinking “I’m a failure.”
From my experience as a psychologist, self-esteem doesn’t improve overnight or by chance. It’s something that requires work, especially if you’ve carried those kinds of mental habits for a long time. However, an honest look at yourself and your daily actions can help. Recognize how you talk to yourself, how you compare yourself to others, and how much you demand of yourself so that you can then consciously decide what you need to change. And remember to be patient with yourself throughout the process.
Source:
Batarfi, W. & Al-Ghalib, S. (2022) The Relationship Between Self-Talk and Self Esteem Amongst University Students. Effat Undergraduate Research Journal; 3(1): 10.
