Updated: 16/06/2025 por Jennifer Delgado | Published: 13/06/2025
In 1995, a book was published that would change the way people understand and approach their closest interpersonal relationships. In that book, written by Lillian Glass, a specialist in interpersonal communication and body language, the term “toxic people” was used.
From that moment on, the concept of toxic people became popular to refer to all those whose relational style is harmful to others, whether because they resort to emotional manipulation, are excessively critical, or have self-centered and narcissistic attitudes.
The main problem is that we are all toxic people in certain circumstances; no one is safe from these behaviors. Therefore, while it’s true that in some cases there’s no choice but to remove ourselves from these interaction contexts to protect our psychological balance, it’s no less true that the first step should always be to try to help the toxic person.
How to help a toxic person develop a more assertive attitude?
- Listen to him, really
We all need to be heard, to feel that there’s someone who truly cares about what we’re going through, and to know that we can count on someone who won’t criticize us. In fact, in some cases, behind this “toxicity” lies a defensive attitude, a fear of rejection, and a feeling of loneliness.
Therefore, to help a toxic person, we often need to learn to listen. We shouldn’t focus on their words but on what they hide, on what’s unspoken but latent. This is active listening, in which we become the recipients of their fears and worries, offering them momentary relief and easing their tension.
Toxic people often have a difficult history; they’ve typically endured adverse experiences that shaped their personalities and made them who they are today. Of course, this isn’t an excuse to put up with their snubs and criticism, but sometimes these people just need to know that the world isn’t as bleak as they think.
We must remember that labeling someone as “toxic” is already judgmental and can make the person feel attacked. However, a Buddhist proverb says, “You can’t judge someone if you haven’t first walked in their shoes.” On the contrary, acceptance and love can work miracles. To do this, we must take the time to connect with that person, learn about their life experiences, and understand how they impacted them.
- Advise only when asked
One of the worst mistakes we can make if we want to help a toxic person is to give “moral lessons.” No one likes to be given unsolicited advice because we perceive it as intrusion, and we usually become defensive.
Therefore, the smartest thing to do is to wait for the right moment and offer valuable, non-judgmental advice when the person asks for our opinion. It’s also important to choose your words wisely because toxic people are often very sensitive and easily irritable.
- Avoid criticism and blame
Blame implies assigning all responsibility for the problematic situation to the toxic person. However, we must remember that in every interpersonal relationship there are two sides, so, in a certain way, we are also contributing to maintaining this unhealthy balance.
The best thing for everyone is to adopt a mature and positive attitude, avoiding criticism and blaming either party. For example, saying “I’m fed up with your manipulation; you’re a toxic person” is not the same as saying “When you adopt that attitude, I feel bad. I’d like to talk to solve it.” This way, you’re not attacking the person but rather emphasizing their behavior and engaging in a possible solution. No one is simply a “toxic person”; we are all complex human beings with multiple facets, some darker and others brighter.
- Encourage him to seek psychological help
Sometimes the best way to help a toxic person is to encourage them to seek help from a psychologist. We must keep in mind that no matter how well-intentioned we may be, sometimes our help can cause more harm than good or even burden us with a burden we can’t bear because we don’t have the right psychological tools. In these cases, it’s best to encourage the person to seek psychological help.
It’s important not to pressure the person, but rather to take advantage of moments of insight when they recognize that something isn’t working well to propose the idea. It’s also helpful to make them understand that a psychologist isn’t just a professional who treats psychopathologies, but can help us overcome certain difficulties in life or bring out the best version of ourselves. Convincing someone to see a psychologist isn’t always easy, but the result is usually worth it.
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