You idealize, I idealize, we all idealize.
Embedded in the culture of die-hard positivism, it’s almost impossible not to. That toxic optimism pushes us into a frantic race to achieve happiness and get rid of negative emotions. In this race against time, we end up idealizing many things and people, thinking that if we were just like them or had what they have, we could be just as happy.
Social networks further amplify this phenomenon as they allow sharing edited smiles, bodies and lives in which everything seems perfect. This leads us to idealize people and lifestyles, but curiously, that ideal does not lead to the happiness we so long for, but rather becomes a dead end that leads directly to disappointment and frustration.
What is idealizing a person?
The word idealize comes from the Latin idealis, which is composed of “idea” referring to a prototype, form or appearance, as well as the suffix “alis” indicating a relationship, while “izar” means “to convert into”. Consequently, idealization consists of elevating reality by taking it to the plane of ideas to make it better than it is.
In fact, idealization is a mental process through which overly optimistic characteristics are assigned to a certain situation or person, ignoring its negative aspects. Idealizing is exaggerating the positive, considering those persons as a model of perfection, which means that we not only elevate them by ignoring their shadows, but we also devalue ourselves, placing ourselves below.
In this way we end up generating an image quite far from reality that can greatly complicate our life or the relationship with the person we have idealized. In general, we could understand idealization as a perceptual bias or a kind of “cognitive color blindness” since we only pay attention to the green signals, which we perceive as big and bright, while we ignore the red warning signals, which we see as small and fuzzy.
Idealizing someone: Why do we do it?
On many occasions, idealization comes from desperation to find joy and happiness quickly. Sometimes we just don’t want to see reality because we live happier in the alternate universe we’ve created in our minds.
When idealization becomes something personal, we stop seeing things through an objective lens. We submerge ourselves in a distorted version of reality and if someone tries to explain to us the defects of the idealized person or the cons of the situation, we get defensive because we don’t want that illusion to be taken away from us.
In other cases, at the base of the idealization is a low self-esteem. When we underestimate ourselves, we tend to overestimate the characteristics of others, especially those that we lack. As a result, we begin to see that person as someone very special or even perfect.
In the couple relationship, idealization is one of the first stages. The most rational areas of our brain are “turned off”, in such a way that we lose our critical capacity and let ourselves be dazzled by the person we are attracted to. The usual thing, obviously, is that this phase of idealization gives way to reality.
What are the consequences of idealizing someone?
Idealization is a dangerous situation because it can easily lead to dependency relationships. If we consider ourselves of little value and extol the virtues of the other, it is easy for us to fall into submissive and extremely accommodating behavior.
To maintain our mental balance, we tend to protect our beliefs, so we ignore all the signs that contradict them and actively look for those that support them. This can lead us to a bubble of idealization in which little by little we lose contact with reality.
Fortunately – or unfortunately – sooner or later that bubble ends up bursting. The unrealistic expectations associated with a person fall under their own weight with the passage of time. However, stopping idealizing and seeing that person for who they are can be devastating.
In fact, it’s no coincidence that newlywed couples report a decline in their level of marital satisfaction a year after marriage, when they discover on a day-to-day basis that their partners are less ideal than they initially thought. In this sense, a study carried out at Stony Brook University found that people physically distance themselves from their partners after a stage of excessive idealization.
When the blindfold falls off, we can experience deep disappointment or even feel betrayed. The pain can be so great that it clouds our reason and leads us to think that the persons we had idealized have betrayed us by pretending to be what they were not when in reality it was us who overstated their qualities.
We must also keep in mind that when we idealize someone, we put them on a pedestal. However, “A pedestal is a prison, as much as any other small space”, as Gloria Steinem said. To idealize someone is to condemn them to disappoint us since we limit their wealth by fitting them into a model that is impossible to follow. In the long run, the idealized persons may even feel that tension, as if they are continually pushed to be who they are not.
However, not everything is negative.
When we manage to “appropriately” idealize our partners, for example, we interpret their behaviors in a more positive way. Thus we reinforce the image of the people we like, since we also expect the same treatment.
In fact, in some cases idealization can become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. When we treat our partner or other people as someone wonderful and talented, we improve their self-esteem and self-confidence, so we also help them develop the best version of themselves.
We could actually help them become those ideal selves, a phenomenon known as the Michelangelo effect. In these cases, each person can “sculpt” having that “ideal self” as a model.
Idealization is denial: How to stop idealizing someone?
Although idealizing someone also has its positive aspects, the concept of idealization itself implies denial. Idealizing a person or a situation means refusing to see the negative, which always exists. It means putting common sense aside. For that reason, it is important to stop idealizing.
Curiously, the first step to stop idealizing someone is not to take outside but within us. We must promote introspection. It is important that we identify the origin of this tendency to idealize others. Why am I doing it? What do I admire in that person that I think I lack?
The second step is to raise awareness of the damage produced by idealization. If we place someone above us, it is likely that that person will end up crossing several limits or that we will fall into a relationship of emotional dependency. Am I relegating myself to the background to satisfy that person? Am I losing my identity or my worth in the idealization process?
The third step is to objectively analyze what you value most about those persons and ask yourself to what extent those characteristics make you ignore the negative aspects. Do you prioritize beauty over other personality qualities? Do you give too much importance to intelligence over kindness? These questions will help you see those persons in a different way, with a more objective lens, so that you discover to what extent you have idealized them.
It is simply about being aware of the reason behind the idealization and the consequences of it.
Last but not least, we must remind ourselves that nothing and no one is perfect. Perhaps imbued with this idealization process, you have questioned your self-esteem, trying to change who you are so that things work. But the truth is that there are no shortcuts to happiness. Idealizing someone or something does not make that path easier, on the contrary, it makes it more uphill.
Sources:
Tomlinson , J. M. et. Al. (2013) The costs of being put on a pedestal: Effects of feeling over-idealized. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; 31(3): 10.1177.
Murray, S. L. et. Al. (1996) The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 70: 79-98.