When happiness and joy are exalted, all other feelings fade away. In fact, we live in a society that encourages us to hide negative emotions with phrases like “don’t think about it,” “don’t worry about it,” or “it will pass.”
In this way, we become accustomed from a young age to hiding our feelings, especially fear and anxiety, but also sadness and hopelessness, as well as anger, guilt and shame.
At first glance, it makes sense to get rid of what makes us uncomfortable. However, in reality, it is not so easy to get rid of emotions and feelings, especially negative ones, since they are born with the intention of lasting.
The futility of hiding feelings
Emotions come from the less evolved areas of our brain. They are more intuitive and impulsive responses, primary reactions that act as a compass to tell us what we like or what could harm us.
As we grow up, this basic layer is overlaid by a more rational layer, directed primarily by the frontal lobes, which helps us to qualify what we feel and reflect on our responses. Our behavior then begins to be more governed by logic, reason and objectivity.
Emotions, feelings and impulses are subordinated to reasoning, except when they become very intense and difficult to ignore. At that point, they can trigger a full-blown emotional hijacking, so that we let ourselves be carried away by what we feel.
When emotions are “negative,” like sadness, disappointment, or anger, everything around us pushes us to ignore them and forget about them. But it’s not as easy as pressing a button and going back to being the rational, measured person we were. Too often, that advice simply can’t be applied because emotions overwhelm us and prevent us from thinking clearly. In fact, emotions exist for a reason. And hiding them is not the best solution.
As Hermann Hesse wrote: “Do not say that any feeling is small or unworthy. We live on nothing but our poor, beautiful, magnificent feelings, and every time we commit an injustice against one of them, we extinguish a star.”
How to free yourself from unpleasant emotions?
Imagine for a moment that you are trying to talk to a three-year-old in the midst of a tantrum. Your attempts to reason with him may be unsuccessful. Likewise, trying to suppress or hide emotions by summoning up your inner dialogue with phrases like “it’s okay ” or “I shouldn’t feel that way ” is often futile.
The emotional system in our brains may be basic, but it’s not so easy to trick and turn off. If you try to ignore, belittle or dismiss their point of view – rather than validate and try to understand it – that part of you is likely to take over. In fact, it may intensify, making alarm bells ring even louder, so that anxiety transmutes into panic, discouragement into despair or frustration into uncontrolled rage.
So what can you do?
Only after a toddler has released his frustration or sadness will he be able to calm down. It is also important not to waste psychological energy trying to numb or hide emotions. Instead of pushing them away, be open to them.
Pay attention to yourself with kindness. Name what you feel and try to understand what message these emotions are trying to convey to you. Whatever they are, they will allow you to better connect with your needs, needs that you have probably been putting off for a long time.
Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, fed up… These emotions are not your enemies, they are signs that something is not right inside you and you need to adjust it.
Don’t try to suppress, minimize or hide what you feel. Instead, ask yourself where those feelings come from and what you can do – not to feel happy – but to feel safe, understood and heard. The key is to learn to give yourself the understanding and care that you give to others.
It is a worthwhile change of perspective in your relationship with yourself. Then, those emotions will disappear as if by “magic”, simply because they have already fulfilled their purpose of alerting you and you have paid attention to them.
