We all make mistakes, some more and some less, some are real blunders and others are mistakes that have no major significance. However, the way we deal with mistakes varies greatly from person to person. There are those who manage to turn the page more easily and others get trapped in the feeling of guilt and begin to punish themselves.
It is worth clarifying that when we make a mistake one of our first reactions is to blame ourselves. This is something perfectly normal. But it is one thing to seek responsibilities and learn from mistakes and quite another to cry over spilled milk and spend years of our lives punishing ourselves for it.
Why do we experience the need to punish ourselves?
Usually, self-punishment is deeply linked to self-esteem. When we have low self-esteem, we will tend to think that everything happens because of us and that we deserve to be punished. Then we self-impose penance, which can be more or less severe. At the base of this mechanism is not only the belief that we are not worthy of esteem but also a lot of anger, which we direct towards ourselves.
The people who tend to punish themselves most cruelly are precisely those who have grown up in very authoritarian and rigid environments, where mistakes were seen as defects instead of opportunities for growth. This tendency is also seen in perfectionist people who understand mistakes almost as an attack on their image, on the integrity that they have been building.
At other times, people punish themselves because they are not able to ask for forgiveness or because they are too rigid to forgive themselves. In fact, it is often claimed that we are our harshest judges.
Whether for one reason or another, the truth is that imposing punishment on yourself is a way to atone for your guilt and feel better about yourself. The person thinks that his behavior has been unworthy and since he cannot repair it, a penance is imposed that will “free” him from the damage he has caused. However, the problem is that this penance usually never ends and, in the end, instead of causing relief, it ends up deeply damaging the person.
7 tips to stop punishing yourself
1. Accept that punishing yourself won’t solve anything. If you have made a mistake and it has had consequences, try to solve them or contain the damage. If it’s impossible, apologize. If you can’t ask for forgiveness, perhaps because you can no longer talk to the person, learn from the mistake to ensure you don’t make it again.
2. Talk about the mistake. When people experience a great sense of guilt, they tend to isolate themselves from their group of friends. However, when you are ready to talk about the situation, you should tell someone. Other people often surprise you with a more impartial perspective on the facts that will help lighten the weight of guilt.
3. Learn to be kind to yourself. It is often easier to be kind and condescending to others than to ourselves. An excellent strategy is to imagine that there is a little child inside you. Watch your inner dialogue and don’t say anything to yourself that could harm that child.
4. Understand mistakes as opportunities to grow. People who punish themselves usually understand mistakes as failures or defects through which they determine their worth. However, always think that the road to success is full of failures. Often, the most important learnings in life come from mistakes.
5. Put the facts in perspective. One of the mechanisms that perpetuates guilt is thinking that if we could go back in time, we would have acted differently. However, it is important that you realize that at that moment, with the knowledge you had and the circumstances that surrounded you, you made the decision that you believed was most appropriate. Accepting this fact is tremendously liberating.
6. Learn to value flexibly. Behind punishment almost always hides a rigid person who does not want to accept that he has made a mistake, at least not in an aspect that is so significant to him. However, he remembers that between black and white there are thousands of shades. Having a little more mental flexibility and moving away from polarized thinking will help you face life from a more open perspective.
7. Be clear about who you are. People who punish themselves for years end up forgetting who they are and becoming someone who simply carries the burden of guilt. Sometimes, it’s as if your entire life has come down to that one incident. To get out of this vicious circle, it is important that you remember who you are and bring up all your positive qualities. You are much more than your fault.
