Mothers’ mental health, the forgotten part in positive parenting

Today, mothers are under increasing pressure to raise their children “well.” In this context, positive parenting has spread as an educational philosophy that promotes respect and affection. It tells us that we must understand children’s needs, strengthen the bond with our children, listen to them and even anticipate their needs.

It even encourages parents to do an exercise of introspection to discover how the upbringing they received as children may be influencing their educational style. However, one determining factor is often forgotten: parents can only take good care of their children when they take good care of themselves.

Mothers’ stress is reflected in their children

Unicef ​​sounded the alarm: if parents do not feel well, they will not be able to properly raise their children. It was estimated that approximately 3 in 10 caregivers suffer from depression and 5% present signs of anguish, anxiety or hopelessness. It is no wonder since 9 out of 10 mothers say they frequently feel judged.

Obviously, this emotional state is reflected in children, to the point that 6 out of 10 babies under 18 months show signs of emotional damage. Studies have also linked  postpartum depression  with the appearance of mental disorders in children and it has been proven that when mothers are under great stress, their children are more likely to develop emotional problems. 

Even relationship problems and frequent arguments at home can make children emotionally insecure and make them more likely to have difficulty establishing healthy relationships as adults. Therefore, the key to implementing positive parenting may not be to demand more from ourselves, but rather to be kinder to ourselves and pay more attention to ourselves.

The trap of self-demand

Mothers feel unconditional love for their children and experience a deep desire to care for and protect them. But sometimes that translates into an excessive level of self-demand. In fact, 6 out of 10 mothers admit that they demand too much of themselves while raising their children.

The desire to “want to achieve everything” makes many try to become Wonderwoman . They become overloaded with so many tasks and responsibilities that the mothers’ mental health ends up suffering, largely because they relegate their needs to the background to prioritize those of the entire family.

Obviously, putting your children first is an instinct as natural and automatic as breathing. And parenting often requires sacrifices. There’s no doubt. However, if you neglect yourself too much, everyday stress will put you on the ropes, bringing out irritability and frustration. In this state of extreme fatigue, it is easy to lose patience and nerves, so your children will end up paying the consequences.

Being a mother is a full-time “job.” Coming home after a day of work does not mean that it is time to relax and many times not even the night is synonymous with rest. For that reason, you probably feel guilty when you set aside a little time to do something for yourself. But taking care of your mental health should also be a priority.

The 3 irrational demands that you should let go

If you really want to educate your child with a positive and developmental approach, you must pay attention to yourself. And that probably means that you need to get rid of a series of deeply ingrained beliefs in society that are generating completely unnecessary pressure:

1. You don’t have to be a “perfect” mother. Perfection doesn’t exist, so don’t even try. You won’t always react well or make the best decisions. It is normal. In fact, your child doesn’t even need you to be perfect, he just needs love, support and understanding. Assume that you can’t do everything by the book and that every mother strives to do things the best she can. Let go of the concept of perfection and flow more. Convince yourself that being “pretty good” is enough.
2. You will not always be available. And nothing happens. Sometimes you will be exhausted, anxious, or close to breaking point. That level of saturation generates the desire to get away from everything for a while. Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes it is necessary to stop to continue, to regain your mental balance. Pay more attention to the quality of the time you spend with your children than the quantity because, in the end, it is that full and serene presence that makes the difference.
3. You don’t have to take care of everything. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Taking all the burden on your shoulders is not realistic, healthy or feasible. Ask for help when you need it and distribute responsibilities. Learn to prioritize so that you can dedicate time to what is truly important and say “no” to everything that unnecessarily steals your time. Try to simplify your life by avoiding all those self-imposed “to-dos” that in reality only generate more stress and whose achievement is not essential. Free up your schedule a little so you have time to rest and take care of yourself without feeling guilty.  

Remember that, as a mother, you are born at the same time as your child. You are also immersed in a learning process that will be accompanied by successes and mistakes. Along the way, be kind to yourself, accept that you can’t do everything, and ask for help when you need it.

Taking care of your mental health is the first step to being able to take better care of your children. If you have nothing left, you will have nothing to give. Taking some time and being a little “selfish” from time to time is essential. We all need to recharge our emotional batteries. If you don’t, the breaking point will be closer and closer. Do it for your children, but also for yourself.