Some people sink every ship they board, but they think the problem is the sea

Some people seem to have a “superpower” for ending up on bad terms with everyone. They change jobs and discover their colleagues are incompetent. They start a romantic relationship and sooner rather than later discover their partner is extremely selfish. They make friends and end up feeling betrayed. They may change cities or projects, but history repeats itself with almost pinpoint accuracy.

In their story, there’s always someone who lets them down or hasn’t lived up to expectations. There’s always an external explanation to justify the shipwreck. The curious thing is that, after sinking so many ships, some people don’t even question why they always end up in the water, simply because they’re too busy blaming the rough seas.

Psychologists know that this phenomenon is related to our desire to preserve the image we have formed of ourselves. In fact, we have an enormous capacity to construct narratives about ourselves in which we are rarely the villains.

The “talent” for passing the buck

Admitting that we have contributed to our problems is more uncomfortable than blaming others. That’s why our minds readily employ a variety of mechanisms to protect our self-image. One of these is the self-serving bias; that is, the tendency to attribute our successes to our own abilities and our failures to external factors.

Basically, if we get a promotion, it’s because we’re competent, but if we get fired, it’s because our boss had it in for us. If a relationship works, it’s because we chose well; but if it ends badly, it’s because the other person didn’t know how to love.

This mechanism isn’t necessarily a negative sign. To some extent, we all use it because we need to maintain a positive self-image that encourages us to keep going. The problem arises when this protection becomes a kind of closed system in which we end up interpreting any mistake that could help us grow as confirmation that the world is a hostile place full of incompetent or malicious people.

With that mindset, a person can accumulate conflicts for years without ever questioning their relationships or the decisions they make. The paradox is that the more they need to be right, the fewer opportunities they’ll have to discover what they’re doing wrong.

When the same story repeats itself with different protagonists

We can all encounter difficult people, toxic environments, or circumstances beyond our control. Not every conflict is our responsibility, nor does every negative experience lead to an inner epiphany. In fact, systematically blaming ourselves for what happens can also be a way of distorting reality.

However, when the same problems appear in very different scenarios and with different people, it is worth pausing to observe the underlying pattern.

Perhaps someone feels that all their partners end up leaving them, but they never examine their need to control every aspect of the relationship. Perhaps a person believes that all their coworkers are envious of them, but they don’t notice their tendency to compete, discredit others’ ideas, or interpret any disagreement as a personal attack. Perhaps someone complains that their friends are never there when they need them, but they forget that they often disappear when others are going through difficulties.

The setting changes, the characters change too, but the outcome is suspiciously similar.

Relational patterns help explain how certain expectations, ways of interpreting others’ intentions, and behavioral strategies can be reproduced in different relationships. We don’t always consciously choose to repeat them. Sometimes, precisely because they are familiar, we don’t even recognize them. Ultimately, what is familiar can seem perfectly natural, even if it harms us and those around us.

The trap of always being the victim

There is a big difference between having suffered harm and making that suffering the center of one’s identity. When someone becomes accustomed to interpreting everything that happens to them from the perspective of a victim, they can end up forgetting their own responsibility.

Being the person everyone lets down provides an easy narrative and eliminates the need to examine one’s own decisions, question disproportionate reactions, or acknowledge that some hurts have become excuses for mistreating others. In this way, it all boils down to finding a new scapegoat around the corner.

In fact, assuming the victim role in relationships often offers an unexpected advantage: demanding understanding without offering anything in return. Those who always feel wronged or abandoned may come to believe that their needs, anger, and mistakes deserve special treatment because they have suffered more than others.

Over time, this dynamic can deeply damage relationships. The person who sees themselves as a victim ends up occupying all the emotional space in the relationship: their problems take priority, their feelings are paramount, and their needs must be met first. Meanwhile, everyone else is relegated to the role of those who have to understand, compromise, make amends, and apologize. It’s no wonder, then, that the others eventually get fed up.

The questions to change course

Perhaps one of the clearest signs of psychological maturity is the ability to question the extent to which we are responsible for what happens to us. This involves asking ourselves some uncomfortable questions:

1. What part of this conflict depends on me?
2. What signs am I ignoring?
3. How do I react when someone contradicts me?
4. Am I asking others for something that I myself am not willing to offer?
5. Why do I end up feeling the same in relationships that, in principle, have nothing to do with each other?

These are not questions to blame ourselves or to assume responsibilities that do not belong to us, but to recover our capacity for decision and action.

Because if everything depends on others changing, on the environment improving, or on life ceasing to throw obstacles in our way, our peace of mind is left at the mercy of circumstances we can hardly control. On the other hand, when we begin to acknowledge our role in what happens, we regain some leeway to do things differently.

Some people spend half their lives searching for a port where there are finally no storms, without realizing that they’ve been sailing with the same hole in their hull for years. They change ships, crews, and horizons, but they refuse to re-evaluate their way of sailing.

The sea is certainly not always calm. There are storms we didn’t cause and shipwrecks for which we are not responsible. But when all the ships end up sinking, perhaps it’s time to look beyond the state of the ocean and ask ourselves what the captain is doing.