Our experiences are recorded in memory, but they first pass through a series of filters, both emotional and cognitive. This is why two people who have experienced the same situation can have very different memories.
The emotional charge associated with each memory is what gives it its power. In fact, events without emotional charge, such as seeing a stranger walk by on the street, don’t generate significant memories. However, if it’s an event that caused harm, pain, anguish, anger, or other intense feelings, it will leave a deeper mark on the memory.
What’s most interesting, however, is that the emotional charge of a memory typically comes primarily from the story we create about that experience. For example, we might approach a painful situation by thinking, “It happened, it hurt, but there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’d better move on with my life.” Another person, however, might approach that same situation completely differently, thinking, “This is a disaster, I’m devastated, I’ll never recover from this.”
What effect will these different perspectives have on painful memories? Neither of these two people is likely to forget what happened, but the first will be able to move on more quickly, while the second will remain stuck in the pain and suffering caused by the experience, which they will continue to carry as if it were happening in the present.
Memories are not fixed
Many people think of memories as snapshots or videotapes, but in reality, memory is constantly changing, so stored experiences are also modified. We can forget details, soften their impact, reorder them, or even re-edit them to create new versions with added effects.
Typically, the facts remain fairly stable, but the associated emotional charge can be “edited” as we change the narrative surrounding the event. Some people need a little time to process their painful memories. In fact, you’ve probably had things happen to you at some point, and you simply say, “I can’t deal with this right now.”
Okay, everyone has their own coping rhythm, but it’s important that avoidance not become your preferred coping strategy, as painful memories need to be reprocessed, or you won’t be able to dissipate the suffering they generate.
How to “deactivate” painful memories?
We must be aware that discomfort and anguish are inevitable when we go through an adverse situation, but as we acknowledge it, they usually lessen. On the contrary, if we sink into the pit of despair, the suffering will only increase.
It’s important not to disrupt your healing process, but at some point you’ll have to decide that it’s time to confront the painful situation. Many people find it helpful to perform a kind of ritual. Some go to a special place related to the painful event, for example, allow themselves to relive what happened, and then feel liberated. However, each person must find the strategy that works best for them.
There are three simple techniques that can help you process painful memories and move forward.
1. The body as a reflection of memory
With this technique, we don’t focus directly on the memory and its emotional burden, but rather on its bodily reflection. This means that even if the memory persists, its effects on the body will change, making it very useful for eliminating the physical symptoms that certain painful memories generate, such as muscle tension, palpitations, or difficulty breathing.
All we need to do is bring the painful memory to mind and notice the reflex responses it generates in our body. Once we detect them, we should focus on that part, breathe deeply and gently, and relax our muscles until we feel the tension fade away.
When we feel that the sensation has completely disappeared, we can move on to another part of the body. This exercise should be repeated several times over time. We shouldn’t expect immediate results, as it’s more of a training exercise that tells our brain that even though it’s a painful memory, it shouldn’t trigger bodily sensations since it’s a past experience.
2. The memory movie theater
This is a visualization technique that involves closing your eyes and imagining what happened to you as if it were a movie. We can visualize a screen where the events unfold or watch them directly in our mind’s eye. The goal is to develop a detached attitude toward what happened, so that we can lessen some of its emotional impact.
While watching this “movie,” very intense feelings are likely to surface. It’s essential not to let them trap us and move on. This exercise is also important because we tend to focus only on the parts of the event that confirm our negative way of thinking, ignoring the rest of the details, which give us a more complete and truthful picture of what happened.
In the end, we must imagine we’re rewinding the movie at fast speed, back to the point where we felt good. Then we must allow our emotions to reset and realize that even though we’ve been through a traumatic event, we’re still alive and can move forward.
3. Let go of negative automatic thoughts
Most painful memories remain active because we feed them with negative automatic thoughts. If we didn’t have these thoughts, it would be much easier for us to process the traumatic experience and let go of the suffering. In fact, if you examine your mind, you’ll realize that you not only relive these painful memories over and over again, but you also continually think the same thoughts.
If you have thoughts that make you feel guilty, devalue you as a person, or simply encourage suffering, a very simple technique is to write them down on slips of paper. The simple act of writing them down means becoming aware of their existence and identifying them as maladaptive thoughts.
Then, when we’ve decided it’s time to move on and leave the painful experience behind us, we take those strips of paper and burn them, one by one. As they burn, we can realize that it was a negative thought that was only hurting us. Another alternative to this technique is to write those thoughts directly in balloons and let them go. As they fade away, we can feel free of the negative influence they had on us.
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