“You lose everything you don’t give freely and abundantly. When you open your safe, you’ll find only its ashes,” wrote Annie Dillard, referring to the importance of generosity. Two millennia earlier, the great Roman philosopher Seneca had also reflected on the importance of gratitude in his famous “Letters of a Stoic,” which he wrote during the last three years of his life and which demonstrate a great deal of wisdom.
Ingratitude and the danger of emotional sterility
Seneca wrote: “You complain because you have encountered an ungrateful person. If this is your first such experience, you should feel grateful for your good fortune or for your caution. In that case, however, caution may make you ungenerous because if you wish to avoid such danger, you will not grant favors. As long as those favors are not lost on someone else, you will lose them yourself.”
“It is better to receive nothing in return than to grant no favors at all. Even after a poor harvest, one can sow again; often the losses due to the continued sterility of unproductive soil are compensated by a year’s fertility. To discover one grateful person, it is worth trying many ungrateful ones.”
In these paragraphs, Seneca reflects on the two-way nature of gratitude and generosity; that is, it’s not only the receiver who wins, but also the giver. He warns us that when we withdraw and become suspicious, for fear of not being adequately rewarded, we build barriers and run the risk of ending up suffering from emotional sterility, of becoming cold and distant.
A modern study confirms Seneca’s words. Psychologists from the Universities of Illinois and Zurich analyzed a group of 982 people and discovered that those who practiced gratitude frequently and were generous also enjoyed greater physical and emotional well-being. They discovered that gratitude as a value is deeply linked to our ability to take care of ourselves and feel good.
Gratitude has also been shown to help us ward off toxic emotions such as envy, frustration, and guilt, making it very effective in alleviating depression. In fact, another study conducted at National Taiwan University revealed that gratitude increases our self-esteem by reducing our tendency to compare ourselves with others.
Authentic Generosity: The Path to Gratitude
Authentic generosity, Seneca argues, is measured not by the results of an act, but by the spirit from which it springs. He noted:
“Benefits or harms depend on the spirit… Our feeling about an obligation depends on the spirit in which we grant the favor; it’s not the quality of the gift that must be weighed, but the goodwill that motivated it. So let’s eliminate assumptions: the former act was a benefit, and the latter is a harm. The good person tidies up the two columns of his account book and doesn’t willfully deceive himself by adding benefits and subtracting harms.”
With these words, Seneca draws attention to the expectations we harbor when we help someone or grant a favor. He warns us that true generosity is not a transactional act and that often, the supposed benefits or harms depend exclusively on our expectations. If we expect the person to return the favor and they don’t, we will feel harmed. If we do a favor and feel grateful for it, we will gain something.
That is why he points out: “The wise man enjoys giving more than the receiver enjoys receiving.”
His message teaches us that true generosity is not a giving in exchange but a selfless act. It also teaches us that gratitude is measured by the intrinsic reward of the generous act, rather than by the benefit we might receive if the favor is returned:
“We should try by all means to feel as grateful as possible. Gratitude is good for ourselves […] it largely returns to itself. There is no person who, by benefiting their neighbor, has not benefited themselves. I don’t mean that the person you have helped will want to help you or the person you have defended will want to protect you, but rather that good behavior returns in a circle to benefit the doer, just as bad behavior recoils on its perpetrators.
“The reward for all virtues lies in the virtue itself because they are not practiced with a view to obtaining a reward. The reward for a good deed is having done it. I am grateful, not because that person will return the favor, but simply because I have been able to perform a pleasing and beautiful act. I feel grateful, not because I will gain a benefit, but because I have done something that pleases me.”
In fact, a study conducted at the University of Alabama revealed that gratitude and generosity not only help us reduce stress levels but also play an important role in overcoming trauma. These psychologists analyzed Vietnam War veterans and found that those who experienced more gratitude experienced lower rates of post-traumatic stress. Another study conducted at the University of Michigan found that the exact same thing was true for survivors of the 9/11 events.
Feeling grateful even in the worst of times and continuing to give our best is a boomerang of positivity that we can benefit from to foster resilience and a sense of well-being and inner peace. The decision is in your hands.
References:
Hung, L. & Wu, C. (2014) Gratitude Enhances Change in Athletes’ Self-Esteem: The Moderating Role of Trust in Coaching. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology ; 26(3): 349-362.
Hill, P.L. et. Al. (2013) Examining the Pathways between Gratitude and Self-Rated Physical Health across Adulthood. Pers Individ Diff; 54(1): 92–96.
Kashdan, T.B. et. Al. (2006) Gratitude and hedonic and eudaimonic well-being in Vietnam war veterans. Behav Res Ther; 44(2): 177-199.
Fredrickson, B.L. et. Al. (2003) What good are positive emotions in crises? A prospective study of resilience and emotions following the terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11th, 2001. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 84(2): 365-376.
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