
Two men had shared a prison cell for several years. Both had been unjustly imprisoned and suffered all kinds of mistreatment and humiliation. They were finally released. After a while they met again.
One of them asked the other:
– Do you still remember the guards?
– No, I have been able to forget everything. And you?
– I still hate them with all my being – he replied.
The friend looked at him sadly and said:
– So they still have you in prison.
This fable tells us that resentment is a double-edged sword. As long as we feel deep and persistent anger towards another person, we are harming ourselves. By hating and feeling thirsty for revenge, we do not hurt the object of our feelings, but we prevent ourselves from regaining emotional balance and, in the long run, we can even become ill.
Why does resentment appear?
Resentment is a feeling of unease that occurs when we believe that another person has offended, mistreated or humiliated us in some way. It is generally due to an insult or offense or to deception and breach of trust. In one way or another, resentment is based on an unfulfilled expectation. We believe that a person should behave towards us in a certain way and when they do just the opposite, sometimes we not only feel disappointed but also frustrated and angry.
When we believe that a person has violated our rights and caused us harm, resentment appears. If this feeling is not let go but is continually fed by the desire for revenge, it becomes a deep resentment, an irascible feeling that fills us completely and leaves no room for anything else.
Resentment arises from an action that we consider offensive and that produces deep discomfort, but we are the ones who perpetuate that feeling, we are the ones who decide to consume ourselves slowly and allow that discomfort to take over our lives.
How do we perpetuate resentment?
We are not always aware that we are feeding resentment; sometimes we do it automatically, giving free rein to our thoughts and letting them revel in their desire for revenge.
The main mechanisms through which we allow resentment to fester are:
– Resisting turning the page and constantly remembering what happened. Resentful people refuse to make peace and forget the offense, they go over the event again and again, as if it were a scratched record. Obviously, when the damage has been serious, we cannot forget in the literal sense of the term, but we can emotionally accept what happened and still choose to move on. When we accept a painful experience, we reduce its negative emotional impact; when we do not accept it, we give it more power to continue causing us harm.
– Constantly fantasizing about revenge. Sometimes imagining how we could have responded in a certain situation has a cathartic power, as it allows us to release tension without causing bloodshed. However, resentful people revel in fantasizing about revenge, to such an extent that it becomes an obsession. In this way, they remain tied to resentment and feed it.
– Taking a biased view of the event. When we suffer an emotional wound, we react with pain and resentment can take hold. At such times, our mind becomes clouded and we see the situation from a very biased perspective. However, as time goes by, we pick up more details and even come to understand why the other person acted in a certain way. However, the resentful person entrenches himself in his view of the events and believes that only he has the truth, believing that the other person is wrong and that the world is a hostile place. Resentment becomes a lens through which he evaluates what happened and leads him to ignore any positive aspect.
The damage caused by resentment
A resentful person thinks that he or she is hurting the other person because he or she does not forgive him or her, but in reality, the greatest harm is being done to him or herself. In fact, although it may seem contradictory, resentment causes more harm than the offense received.
Resentment makes a person:
– Become a reservoir of negative feelings. Resentment does not come alone, it is accompanied by sadness, anger and frustration, states that feed on themselves and as they grow, they leave no room for more positive feelings. In this way, the resentful person is unable to enjoy life, it is as if he or she were constantly dragging a very heavy burden.
– Act in an irascible manner. Intense emotions, such as resentment, end up clouding reason, making it easier for a person to become a victim of resentment, which leads them to make bad decisions, decisions that can even separate them from the people they love and lead them to loneliness.
– Get sick. When negative emotions become part of our daily life, they not only end up causing psychological imbalances but also different health problems. Hatred and resentment can become somatized and cause health problems. A study that collected medical data from almost 10,000 people found that those who tended to hold resentment also reported a higher number of heart attacks, heart disease, hypertension, ulcers, arthritis and chronic pain.
Remember that the only way to live is to leave the past in the past. Do not become an irascible judge, even if the damage inflicted has been great, try to forgive and look to the future.
Learning to let go of resentment is worth it, the biggest beneficiary will be yourself.
Reference:
Messias, E. et. Al. (2009) Bearing grudges and physical health: relationship to smoking, cardiovascular health and ulcers. Journal Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology; 45(2):183-187.
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