There are unbearable people. Manipulative people who come back again and again. People who put pressure and who don’t care about all kinds of limits. People who, with their attitudes and words, become the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
What to do when we have said “No, thank you ” politely and everything remains the same? What to do when we have tried to establish reasonable limits and they are not respected? What to do when we have used the broken record technique so much that we are the ones who have ended up scratched?
First: don’t lose your cool.
Second: send him to fry asparagus.
Third: not feel guilty for sending him to fry asparagus.
The risk of swallowing too much: emotionally suffocating us
If everyone learned to use this expression (or its variants) in a correct, liberating and non-aggressive way, it is likely that fewer psychologists would be needed because we could considerably reduce the stress generated by toxic relationships by escaping their dynamics before it becomes too late.
And yet, how many times have we swallowed too much? How many times have we bit our tongue and held back in the name of “political correctness” so as not to seem too aggressive or to not make someone uncomfortable who has been making us uncomfortable for quite some time?
The problem is that, by swallowing so many emotions, we can end up suffocating. Allowing others to violate our rights again and again because our assertive attempts to set limits fall on deaf ears generates tension, frustration and anger, feelings that eat away at us from the inside.
For this reason, the key to protecting our mental balance is not to become a mix of Mr. Wonderful and a Zen monk, but to be able to adapt to circumstances. And often that means relating to others using language they can understand and making it clear that we have enough and we are not going to give in any further.
Assertiveness is also sending someone to “fuck off”
Psychology has always assumed a conciliatory perspective, promoting assertiveness in relationships. But assertiveness is not synonymous with perennial good-naturedness and unlimited tolerance. In fact, the word “assertiveness” comes from the Latin asserĕre , which means to assert oneself. Therefore, it fundamentally refers to the ability to clearly and effectively express our emotions, opinions, needs and desires.
Of course, we must also avoid hurting others. But that does not mean constantly turning the other cheek because we would fall into masochistic behavior in which, in order to respect those who do not respect us, we end up not respecting ourselves.
In this sense, telling someone to go to hell – literally or metaphorically – does not have an aggressive connotation but rather a liberating and affirming one. It stops being an expression of boredom and anger and becomes an expression of personal self-affirmation.
It means letting go of the fear of making the other person angry or creating a conflict, finally putting our needs at the forefront. It means making our position clear once and for all, drawing an unequivocal line that the other cannot cross. It means putting a full stop to close a chapter that we are not willing to reread.
The art of saying “fuck off” without feeling guilty
We need to live in harmony with others. There is no doubt. But we must ensure that we do not sacrifice our inner peace on the altar of social harmony.
We don’t have the power to change those around us, but we do have the power to set personal boundaries to protect ourselves. The ideal is to delimit these barriers with respect, kindness and mutual understanding. But when that language falls on deaf ears, it is legitimate to distance ourselves from people who do not listen to reason, pressure us and try to manipulate us.
They have instilled in us that it is wrong to send “fuck off” someone, as if we had no right to say “no” or had to endure the unbearable. But to reach an agreement it takes two. When dialogue becomes a minefield and understanding is an impossible mission, screwing everything is not only liberating, but necessary. Because there comes a point in life when sending the dynamics that make us unhappy to hell is the best thing we can do for ourselves. No regrets. No blame.
Source:
Parkin, J. (2008) Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way. Hay House: California.
