Why do some relationships feel superficial, even after years, while newer ones are full of depth and meaning? How is it possible that after sharing a secret or an intimate experience with someone, the relationship instantly moves to another level? The secret lies in the theory of social penetration, which explains how relationships grow stronger until they achieve an authentic and lasting connection or, on the contrary, remain on a childish level.
From the superficial to the intimate, the phases that relationships go through
As we open up, we create intimacy and trust, strengthening the bond with those around us. However, that openness is also synonymous with vulnerability, so we first want to make sure that the person in front of us will not hurt us. To explain how a superficial relationship turns into a closer, more intimate bond, in 1973 Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor proposed the theory of social penetration.
These psychologists used the onion theory to argue how we reveal each of our layers and, in turn, discover the layers of the other person. According to Altman and Taylor, when we meet someone, this process of self-revelation goes through different phases:
- Orientation. A superficial exchange occurs in which we share more frivolous information about ourselves. At the beginning it is an unstable relationship since a solid foundation of trust has not been established and people are not willing to take the risk of sharing personal information. First impressions of the other are formed and they are tested, avoiding addressing negative, sensitive or conflict-prone topics. Basically, the social script is followed.
- Exploration. At this stage, people begin to share details that go beyond superficial information and open up a bit, so they are more likely to show themselves as they really are. The topics of conversation generally expand and shared attitudes, values and goals begin to be detected. However, at this stage we continue to strive to show our best side and we still do not completely abandon the social mold in the interaction.
- Affective exchange. If we reach this point, we begin to share more personal and intimate information because we feel more comfortable showing ourselves as we are. In this phase, more intense feelings of connection with the other person appear, so commitment arises. The relationship becomes important for both parties and there is a conscious effort to make it work. However, as we abandon the social script, the first conflicts and disagreements usually appear as well.
- Stable exchange. If we manage to overcome the first conflicts or, at least, these do not become an insurmountable obstacle, we continue to advance in our relationship. At this stage we share our most intimate experiences and thoughts. It is characterized by great openness and emotional honesty, together with great spontaneity, so that each person feels comfortable expressing themselves as they are in front of the other.
Most of the relationships we establish in life do not reach that level of emotional exchange, but rather remain on a social level. And only a few reach the level of stable exchange, generally with very close friends, partners, siblings or relatives with whom we have established a special connection.
One step – or several – back: disengagement
As you can imagine, before we reach an intimate level of rapport with someone, a lot can go wrong along the way. And even if we do connect and trust someone, that relationship can break down. In fact, in their theory of social penetration, Altman and Taylor also referred to a state of depenetration, withdrawal, or retreat that can lead to de-escalation or even dissolution of the bond.
Social depenetration occurs when we deliberately close off parts of our lives to others. It is a process in which we take a step back and can involve different things:
- Renegotiation of the relationship. We want to put the brakes on the relationship, maintaining a lower level of intimacy with which we feel more comfortable.
- De-escalation. We want to reduce the level of intimacy, perhaps because we went too fast, to take more time to get to know the other person before revealing further personal information.
- Dissolution. We are not satisfied with the relationship and see no future for it because we believe we cannot connect on the emotional or intellectual level we need, so we prefer to break it off.
This process of depenetration can be gradual or more abrupt, depending on the causes that originate it and its emotional impact:
- Gradual disconnection. This is usually due to latent conflicts that are not resolved and end up eroding the relationship or to the impossibility of continuing to advance towards a higher level of commitment.
- Abrupt disconnection. This usually occurs after a relational transgression that causes a significant loss of trust, as is often the case with a betrayal – real or perceived.
When people start to back off and close off parts of their lives, perhaps because they have perceived that these topics generate rejection or criticism in the other person, the relationship regresses and intimacy is lost. Then a distance begins to form, so that the most common thing is that the relationship cools down and becomes superficial or that it breaks down completely due to the loss of interest.
To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to nurture the bond and, far from running away from conflictive issues, address them from a place of understanding and mutual respect. We should not take any relationship for granted, but rather we have to work on it every day so that this connection is not lost but is instead strengthened more and more.
References:
Taylor, D. A. & Altman, I. (1975) Self‐disclosure as a function of reward–cost outcomes. Sociometry; 38: 18–31.
Altman, I. & Taylor, D. (1973) Social penetration: The development of interpersonal relationships. New York, NY: Holt.
Taylor, D. A.; Wheeler, L. & Altman, I. (1973) Self-disclosure in isolated groups. J Pers Soc Psychol; 26(1):39-47.
