The death of a loved one, the breakup of a relationship, or even saying goodbye to a significant stage of our life, involves immersing ourselves in a complex emotional territory where linearity is lost among the twists and turns of pain.
Although you’ve heard of the stages of grief – a model that ranges from denial and anger to bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance – the truth is that the process often unfolds more like a river, with currents pulling us back and forth, unexpected eddies, and calm zones that last only a moment.
We may feel at peace and have overcome everything when, suddenly, a small trigger brings us back to the core of the pain, with pangs as intense as those early days. It’s important to realize that this isn’t a personal failure or a setback; it’s simply the confirmation that our emotional system is alive, processing the loss, adjusting our memories, and reorganizing our inner life.
Grief does not follow a linear process
Knowing the stages of grief is important, but it’s also crucial to understand that this framework doesn’t always accurately describe the true experience of those who suffer a loss. In fact, in some cases, it can even create a certain illusion of control or pressure to avoid “regressing,” when the truth is that grief rarely follows a set schedule. It typically surprises us with waves of sadness, moments of relief that feel like betrayal, and memories that resurface when we least expect them.
Experiencing this emotional roller coaster often creates confusion or guilt. Many people feel they “should” be further along in their grief or that they should have accepted what happened and felt less sad by now. However, these rigid expectations only add unnecessary pressure at a time of extreme emotional vulnerability.
Grief is a deeply personal and unique process where the combination of emotions and thoughts often leads to changes in our identity. The fluctuation between pain, nostalgia, anger, relief, and love for what is gone is not a sign of weakness or regression, but of adaptation and resilience in action.
The dual process model of grief
The dual process model of grief suggests that we typically alternate between directly confronting the loss and focusing on rebuilding our lives. Margaret Stroebe explains that at times we focus on experiencing, expressing, and making sense of the loss, which leads us to a state of introspection.
Little by little, small episodes appear, more oriented toward reconstruction in different areas of life, with the aim of channeling outward the pain experienced during the most acute stage of grief.
That’s why sometimes we find ourselves crying over memories or wondering why it happened; other times, we’re busy with everyday tasks, reconnecting with friends, or resuming projects that give us back some sense of control. This ebb and flow is natural and necessary. There’s no fixed order or set time for any of these experiences. The mind and body need to move through these seemingly dichotomous waves in order to integrate what has changed.
Obviously, memory plays an important role in this journey through grief. Some days, a smell, a song, or a casual gesture can open a door to sadness, as if the past were slipping into the present. At other times, that same memory can bring comfort, reminding us of the depth of the bond we once had. Recognizing this ambivalence is key to avoiding judging our emotions or trying to rush a process that, by its very nature, cannot be rushed.
Self-compassion, the key to better dealing with suffering
People often try to find quick fixes for their pain. They want to erase the sadness, speed up acceptance, or simply forget in order to seek refuge from the suffering. However, trying to control every emotion or avoid grief generally only prolongs the discomfort and generates more anxiety because those emotions continue to fester in the subconscious.
Clinical experience and research show that acceptance doesn’t mean the absence of grief, but rather acknowledging it, allowing it to flow, and learning to live with it. Grief is integrated when it is given space, not when it is forced.
Instead of trying to pressure yourself into a socially determined schedule, it’s better to practice self-empathy. Recognizing that every reaction, no matter how unexpected or contradictory it may seem, is part of the process allows us to support ourselves without beating ourselves up. Talking about what we feel, writing it down, expressing it in art or movement, and sharing it with trusted people are all ways to support ourselves through this difficult time. Validating the emotional experience reduces stress and helps us integrate the loss.
In a way, these waves of grief are a reminder that recovery isn’t a point of arrival, but rather a continuous transformation. Learning to accept these waves without resistance allows grief to fulfill its function, helping us adapt and construct new meanings.
Ultimately, grief is a journey through light and shadow, with waves that rock us, shake us, and ultimately allow us to rebuild. Understanding it as a dynamic, complex, and deeply human process gives us the freedom to experience it without guilt or haste, and prepares us to embrace loss as part of our history, in all its intensity.
References:
Larsen, LH, Hybholt, L., & O’Connor, M. (2024) Lived experience and the dual process model of coping with bereavement: A participatory research study. Death Studies 49(6): 743–754.
Stroebe, M. & Schut, H. (1999) The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. Death Stud 23(3): 197-224.
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