We’ve always wanted to be better, wiser, stronger, more everything… The desire to excel is written in our DNA.
And while a certain level of restlessness is necessary to fuel our vitality, at some point in the last few decades, the idea of ”being better” became a mandate. It was no longer enough to simply live; we had to optimize ourselves. Become an improved version of ourselves. As if our existence were software that needs constant updates to keep working or remain valuable.
But what if we’re going too far? What if this obsession with improving, with an emphasis on self-improvement, is actually doing us more harm than good?
The trap of becoming an eternal work in progress
The problem isn’t wanting to improve. The problem is the feeling that it’s never enough. That there’s always something more we should be doing, some new habit to incorporate, some mistake to correct, some weakness to erase.
We were sold the idea that life is an eternal work in progress, but we weren’t warned that this feeling of “incompleteness” could become a curse. Because what happens when the promise of a better future becomes the reason we can’t enjoy the present?
Psychoanalyst Adam Phillips believes we become so obsessed with what we want to be that we fail to accept—or even reject—what we are. “We can’t imagine our lives without the desire to improve them, without the myths of progress informing us about what we do and what we want, so we don’t tend to think of ourselves as people who desire to be what we already are,” he wrote.
We think that achieving that “ideal self” is the only way to justify our existence, but that future usually never arrives because when it does, it brings with it new demands, new standards, new ways of feeling inadequate.
“Whether we call it ambition, aspiration, or simply desire, what we want and what we wish to be is our primary concern, but it is always situated in the future, as if what could be—a better life or the best version of ourselves—is seducing us. As if the better future is what makes our lives worth living; as if hope is what we most desire,” Phillips wrote.
Along the same lines of thought, Alan Watts stated more forcefully that “if happiness always depends on something you expect in the future, you will be chasing a utopia that will always elude you, until the future, and you yourself, disappear into the abyss of death.”
The feeling that it is never enough
In these cases, “self-improvement can be self-sabotage […] A distraction, a refuge from one’s own personal vision,” according to Phillips. In other words, we get caught up in continually searching for what could be, failing to appreciate what already is and who we are. This condemns us to a cycle of permanent life dissatisfaction.
And this dissatisfaction seeps into every aspect of life. We struggle to enjoy achievements because we immediately think about the next goal. We become incapable of resting without feeling guilty, because we perceive that rest as an unnecessary pause in the endless climb toward the best version of ourselves. Thus, we mistake self-pity for laziness and serenity for a lack of ambition.
Kurt Vonnegut summed it up with an uncomfortable truth: “There is no greater enemy of happiness than the feeling of not being enough.”
We live in an age where self-importance is disguised as virtue. We believe our worth depends on how hard we work on ourselves—on how productive we are, even emotionally. As if we have to earn something to deserve life.
“In the neoliberal performance society, negativities such as obligations, prohibitions, or punishments give way to positive ones such as motivation, self-optimization, and self-realization. Disciplinary spaces are replaced by zones of well-being,” Byung-Chul Han noted.
The problem with this paradigm is that it leaves us emotionally exhausted. The mental fatigue of constant self-evaluation turns us into ruthless judges of our own lives. Every day is a test of performance, and every flaw is an outstanding debt to our future identity. Thus, we run the risk of wasting our lives amidst lists of improvements, in the tireless pursuit of a “self” that never seems to be enough.
However, wouldn’t it be liberating to let go of that burden, at least for a while? To accept that improvement doesn’t always mean doing more, but sometimes just allowing yourself to be. That there’s no need to fill every void or repair every perceived crack, that the desire for improvement can become a trap with no way out. That being alive is reason enough to feel happy and fulfilled.
Grow and evolve from acceptance
The key isn’t to reject the desire to improve. We are all truly a work in progress . Our selves are constantly changing. The key lies in finding balance without obsessing over personal growth, because living with a sense of perpetual deficiency limits our potential and petrifies enjoyment.
We can aspire to be better without disregarding what we already are.
How? First, by accepting that imperfection is part of the human condition. Second, by recognizing that growth isn’t always linear or quantifiable. And third, by giving ourselves permission to enjoy the present without the constant pressure to become a superior version of ourselves.
Perhaps true personal growth lies not in relentlessly running forward, always seeking some quality to perfect, but in learning to be where we already are. And making peace with it.
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