We live in a world where control has become a comforting illusion. We like to think that if we work hard enough, plan every detail or anticipate every possible problem, everything will turn out exactly the way we want it to. And if something goes wrong, it’s because we weren’t persistent, forward-thinking or capable enough.
However, real life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, how much we plan, or how capable we are, things just don’t work out the way we expected. But that doesn’t mean they’re going wrong. It just means they’re taking their course.
The myth of absolute control
The myth of absolute control suggests that if we do everything “correctly,” we can achieve the desired results and, obviously, avoid the undesirable. The illusion of control leads us to overestimate our ability to influence outcomes, creating a sense of responsibility and unnecessary guilt when things don’t go our way.
The bad news is that, regardless of our efforts, we are faced with a life marked by the fickleness of circumstances. Everything can change in a second – even if we are not willing to admit it, because this uncertainty simply creates a feeling of anxiety that we are not able to deal with. Trying to control the uncontrollable is like trying to catch the wind with our hands. It ends up generating frustration and anxiety.
The good news is that when we let go of that need to control everything, things don’t necessarily go wrong. Things that are out of our control don’t always go wrong, they just take their course. That means that sometimes the results can be worse, but they can also be better than we expect.
In reality, the only weapon we have to defend ourselves against the unexpected are our internal resources: resilience , stress-coping strategies, the ability to connect with others and ask for help, perseverance and even the ability not to obsess over what cannot be.
Understanding the things you can’t control
Many aspects of our existence are beyond our control. We have seen this in the pandemic. It is difficult to predict what life will bring us, so the best we can do is develop psychological “antibodies.”
In reality, the people who have the most problems throughout life are precisely those who hide behind the illusion of control, thinking that everything can be planned precisely and that when things do not go as planned, it is a disaster.
In contrast, people who accept that some events are simply beyond their control find it easier to navigate the unexpected and uncertain. Rather than trying to control the uncontrollable, these people choose to focus their efforts on positively influencing what they can control.
Accepting that we are not always in control can be extremely liberating. Understanding that some events simply follow their natural course will allow us to free our minds from the burden of guilt and frustration. On the other hand, trying to control every aspect is not only futile, but also mentally and physically exhausting.
This does not mean becoming passive, apathetic or indifferent, but rather learning to distinguish between what is within our scope of action and what is not. And what can we control? Our reactions, decisions and attitude towards challenges.
Going with the flow, the art of accepting the uncontrollable
We must understand that when things go beyond our control, they don’t always go wrong. If things don’t go according to our plans, it’s not the end of the world or a disaster of biblical proportions. And even when things go “wrong,” luck may change at some point, or over time we may discover that those setbacks were helpful or even decisive.
Accepting that there are many things we don’t control will help us live with less anxiety. It will allow us to focus on what really matters and let go of what we can’t change. By letting go of the need for total control, we can find deeper peace and greater freedom to enjoy the journey of life – with all its unexpected twists and turns and surprises. Because, at the end of each day, life is not about trying to control every detail, but about fully enjoying everything it throws at us.
