Life takes many turns. People’s paths cross. Decisions and chance define the relationships we establish, both on a personal and professional level. Some of those relationships are worth gold, others are toxic. Some make us better people, others make us smaller.
Unfortunately, sometimes we get stuck in bonds that subtract our value. For a thousand different reasons, we remain gravitating in the orbit of people who do not appreciate us enough or do not value us. Cutting things clean can be one of the most empowering and self-respecting decisions we can make. But it is not always easy.
The emotional damage caused by invalidating relationships
“No man is an island, entire in itself,” wrote John Donne. Even bulletproof self-esteem will eventually be eroded by invalidations, rejections, destructive criticism, and contempt.
The relationships you establish can help you grow, reinforce self-confidence and develop your best version or, on the contrary, push you towards insecurity, lack of confidence in your abilities and, ultimately, establish the belief of that you are not worth enough.
When you stay stuck for a long time in relationships with people who don’t value you for who you are and what you bring, you’ll end up paying a pretty hefty bill psychologically.
• Feelings of inadequacy. Constantly giving, committing and sacrificing without that effort being valued generates a feeling of inadequacy. This imbalance between what you give and what you receive in return can make you question your value as a person, leading you to think that you do not deserve to be loved, in the case of personal relationships, or that you are not capable enough, in the case of professional relationships.
• Frustration and resentment. We all need to receive validation because, in a way, it is the social compass that tells us if we are on the right or wrong path. When you establish invalidating relationships, that need remains unsatisfied, so frustration and resentment accumulate. Feeling underestimated feeds a feeling of bitterness that will end up infecting everything.
• Low selfsteem. Maintaining relationships with people who don’t value you can deeply undermine your self-perception. Lack of reciprocity and invalidation will make you increasingly doubt your worth and abilities, affecting your confidence, security, and self-image.
These types of ties can set a particularly dangerous trap for you: instead of walking away from someone who doesn’t value you, you invest more in that relationship to obtain their approval. You may think that if you try a little harder at work, your boss will finally value what you do, or that if you try a little harder to satisfy your partner, he or she will reward you with the love you want. Unfortunately, that doesn’t usually happen.
When a person doesn’t value you from the beginning, it is difficult, and often completely counterproductive, for you to try to assert yourself. Don’t sacrifice yourself thinking that you will become indispensable or that you will become his better half and live happily ever after. The chances of that happening are minimal, simply because they are not in your hands. There are people so full of themselves or with values so different from yours, that it will be difficult for them to appreciate your light and uniqueness.
How to get away from someone who doesn’t value you?
The Gospel suggests of not giving pearls to pigs. Likewise, don’t waste your time and energy cultivating personal or professional relationships with people who don’t value your efforts and make you feel bad.
We can’t fit in with everyone. And not everyone will know how to value us. Accept it and move on. It is much better than staying orbiting around a relationship that, instead of giving you something it subtracts something from you. Channel your energy toward more productive activities or people who are truly worth your time and attention.
Trying to change someone who doesn’t appreciate you often triggers a cycle of frustration and disappointment. You don’t have to convince a person of your value or juggle to make them realize what they could lose. It’s their problem, not yours. Understanding that will give you back the power to decide what you want to do with your life. When you accept that you are in a toxic relationship and that you deserve better, you give yourself permission to explore new possibilities and focus on what makes you feel good.
And, above all, avoid blaming yourself. Don’t fall into a loop of questions without answers to try to understand what happened. You can do an introspection exercise, but make sure it is constructive. Sometimes, it’s just not possible to find answers. Sometimes, that person simply didn’t know how to see your brilliance. Or his values and interests didn’t match yours.
Therefore, be kind to yourself. Reconnect with your value. Put together the broken pieces that may have been left behind by that person in your path and walk away from those who do not value you with a firm step towards a healthier and more developing future for you.
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