We tend to think that people are intrinsically motivated to seek pleasure and avoid pain, that we come with a “hedonistic chip” installed by default. However, if we take a look around us we can realize that many people cannot escape their problems. It’s as if they feel good about that unhappiness, even though they never tire of proclaiming how unhappy they are.
In fact, there are people who, although they are unhappy, and they themselves recognize it, do nothing to get out of that state. In these cases it is normal for us to ask ourselves: why do some people feel bad and take measures to improve while others wallow in their problems and do nothing to solve them and even invent difficulties where there are none?
Why would a person want to be unhappy?
The addiction to unhappiness has different explanations:
– A deep-rooted insecurity or lack of self-esteem, such that the person believes that they do not deserve to be happy and, as a result, does not fight to change the state of things. These people have given up beforehand, and believe that all efforts will be in vain.
– Those who have been educated with excessive discipline and have been repositories of unrealistic expectations, so that they have ended up equating unhappiness with love and success. In practice, these people do not really know happiness, nor do they aspire to achieve it.
– Those who have lived several negative experiences throughout their lives can feed an unconscious desire to continually return to the status quo of unhappiness because it is the only thing they know. These people find their comfort zone in unhappiness.
– Those who pride themselves on their “realism” believing that being practical in life means focusing exclusively on the negative aspects. These are people who see life through a pessimistic prism and consider that happiness is an unattainable illusion.
– Due to bad decisions, some people feel consumed by guilt so they punish themselves by imposing unhappiness. These people believe that they are “bad”, so they do not deserve to be happy.
– Some people are afraid of happiness and positive feelings in general because they think that behind joy comes disappointment. In practice, they deny themselves happiness for fear of pain, something that often happens after breakups.
– Dissatisfaction becomes a motivating factor to work harder; That is, these people think that if they are happy, they will not achieve their goals. In practice, they condemn themselves to a state of dissatisfaction to stay motivated.
– Because it is unheard of for them to allow themselves happiness when there are so many people in the world who are unhappy. These are people who, deep down, believe that they do not deserve to be happy and punish themselves for the mistakes of others.
– When there is an underlying psychological disorder, such as depression, anxiety or anhedonia, that affects the emotional sphere.
The interesting thing is that people who are addicted to unhappiness are actually not as unhappy as we think. A very interesting study carried out at the universities of California and Florida has shown us that negative emotions do not necessarily exclude positive ones; that is, we can experience them contemporaneously. This is what happens when we watch a horror movie: we feel fear but, at the same time, we experience a certain pleasure from feeling that emotion.
A similar mechanism could be at the basis of people who cling to unhappiness: they feel good about being unhappy because, in a certain way, they obtain some benefit from that state, even though it may seem contradictory to us or it is difficult for us to understand.
The characteristics of the chronically unhappy
How to know if you are addicted to unhappiness or how to detect someone who could be classified as chronically unhappy?
– Find reasons to be unhappy when life smiles at them and they think everything is too good to be true.
– Prefers to play the role of victim and blame others instead of taking responsibility for their decisions.
– Compete with their friends to see who has the hardest life and who has the most problems.
– They set goals that are almost impossible to achieve, allowing them to complain about their failure or bad luck.
– They do not fight to recover when things do not go as they wish but prefers to drown in their sorrows.
– They become slaves to their emotions and circumstances because are convinced that they cannot change them.
– Introduces elements that complicate interpersonal relationships or situations when they are going well.
Is happiness a personal decision?
There is no doubt that some people have had to face very painful and even traumatic situations throughout their lives. However, many of them get up, learn to be resilient and manage to be happy. On the contrary, other people lead a calm and ideal life, at least in appearance, but they cannot be happy. Why?
The answer is simple: there are people who believe they can be happy and every day they take small steps to achieve it. Happiness is not a gift, it is a personal decision that is made every day.
Sources:
Sack, D. (2014) Are You Addicted to Unhappiness? In: Psychology Today.
Andrade, EB & Cohen, JB (2007) On the Consumption of Negative Feelings. Journal of Consumer Research ; 34: 283-300.
