What’s stopping you from doing what you want right now?
You may find several practical excuses, but in reality, the answer lies in the limiting beliefs that you have built up over the years and that keep you tied to certain habits and prevent you from taking certain risks.
In fact, although society has been constantly telling us that we can have everything we want without giving up anything, the truth is that in order to achieve certain goals, we are forced to give up some things, and this can generate a feeling of loss and even a certain degree of pain and suffering. Therefore, one of the real reasons why we do not move forward is “experiential avoidance.”
What is experiential avoidance?
Experiential avoidance is the tendency to avoid painful experiences and, in contrast, to seek pleasure, to prefer those experiences that give us satisfaction. This phenomenon is triggered when we do not want to live certain experiences (which can be memories, desires, feelings or situations), and we try to deliberately avoid them.
Of course, it is understandable that we prefer to feel good and avoid feeling bad but… In the psychic universe everything is not as simple as it seems, so there is a paradox: the more we try to avoid painful experiences, especially those of mental origin, the more difficult it will be for us to feel good.
We can therefore say that discomfort is directly proportional to our willingness to try certain experiences. However, the curious thing is that the greater the discomfort, the more we need to accept it, although we do exactly the opposite: the more intense the experience of discomfort, the less willing we are to immerse ourselves in that situation.
To understand the concept of experiential avoidance and availability, we can imagine that we have fallen into quicksand. Our first reaction will be to shake and move, to get out as quickly as possible. However, the more strength and energy we use, the more the sand will trap us. What is the solution?
It may seem like a contradiction, but the answer is to increase the surface area of contact with the quicksand. Instead of thrashing around and trying to escape, we should change position, stretching out our hands and arms. Stay still and, with a bit of luck, wait for someone to come along and lend us a hand.
Something similar happens in our psychic life. When a situation causes us discomfort, we want to escape as quickly as possible, but this only creates more discomfort. The solution, therefore, is to increase the contact surface, which means being available to immerse ourselves in the problem and accept it.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy specialists use a very interesting metaphor to explain the phenomenon of experiential avoidance and availability: a pair of switches.
The switches of emotional life
There is a discomfort switch, which does not depend on us, since throughout life we are exposed to different situations that can cause us pain and suffering. We simply do not have the power to activate that switch.
However, we can regulate the switch of availability, which indicates our willingness to experience that discomfort. If we learn to manipulate this switch appropriately, we can stop avoiding situations that cause us discomfort and, consequently, we will reduce their negative impact on our life.
For example, imagine that you have to go to a public office to request some documents. You probably don’t like the sensations you experience because you waste time and you get overwhelmed by bureaucracy. However, the more you resist that experience, the stronger the discomfort will be and the more negative thoughts will come to your mind. On the contrary, if you turn on the switch of availability, that discomfort will decrease.
Obviously, getting the hang of the availability switch takes a bit of practice.
Learning to control the Availability Switch
1. On a scale of 1 to 10, think of a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable (6). Write it down on a piece of paper, giving as many details as possible.
2. Ask yourself what you want to avoid. What kind of discomfort do you want to avoid? Take your time to delve deeper into the painful experience.
3. Focus on the availability switch, look at what you’ve written down, and ask yourself what position that button is in. Maybe your switch is at 0 or 1, on a scale that goes up to 10. What would happen if you moved it just 1 or 2 points? Imagine that.
4. Increase the switch of availability. You can do this through visualization, imagining yourself in the situation you wanted to avoid. You must face the situation with the switch set to the maximum point that you are willing to experience. You will notice that at first you put up some resistance but little by little you will let yourself go and the situation will not be as annoying as you thought.
Why is this technique so valuable?
This technique will allow you to face all those situations that bother you in your daily life, adopting a more positive attitude and minimizing their impact on your emotional balance. At the same time, it will make it easier for you to make decisions, especially when these bring negative repercussions that you were trying to avoid.
When you get a little practice, you won’t have to move the switch 1 or 2 notches, you’ll simply think in terms of “on” or “off.” In this way, you will also avoid those negative and recurring thoughts, which are the ones that usually harm your well-being the most. In fact, we must not forget that in our minds, we tend to maximize the negative consequences of situations, we imagine the worst possible scenarios and often this catastrophic anticipation makes us feel worse than the experience itself.
The Availability Switch technique is based on a simple concept that brings great results because in the end, you will be more open to life and events, you will decrease the feeling of uncertainty and anxiety, as well as the fear of loss. It is a simple technique, but it can cause a real revolution in your way of facing the world.
