Awkward silences are those moments when words seem to evaporate, leaving a void that, paradoxically, feels too full. Whether on a date, in a work meeting, or in a conversation with friends, that moment of stillness can awaken anxiety, insecurity, and discomfort. But why do some silences bother us so much? What do they reveal about us and our relationships?
Why do some silences make us uncomfortable?
There are many kinds of silence. Some silences are reflective pauses that add depth to the conversation. Other silences are clothed in a layer of complicity to facilitate a more intimate connection. Ultimately, we must not forget that words are only part of what we communicate.
However, there are also awkward silences that make the atmosphere tense. These silences can appear in conversations with people we barely know, but also with people we are close to. And, unlike other silences, they generate a deep feeling of disconnection, as if a chasm suddenly opened up between us.
From an evolutionary perspective, we are social beings. Our survival has largely depended on our ability to communicate and connect with others. So when the flow of conversation stops, our brains can interpret it as a sign of danger or rejection.
In this regard, a study conducted at the University of Groningen found that even brief silences in a conversation can trigger stress responses, increasing levels of cortisol, the hormone associated with anxiety.
These researchers found that we associate fluid conversations with feelings of belonging, connection, social validation, and self-esteem. However, when a brief silence interrupts this fluidity, negative emotions and a sense of rejection arise. In other words, we perceive these awkward silences as threatening.
How does awkward silence occur?
Talking allows us to build bridges between individual realities that would otherwise be quite impermeable. We can thus share our needs with those around us and better understand those of others. Communication allows us to find each other in the vast ocean of social relationships.
However, because it is an exchange, it is also full of lapses in the form of silences to give way to the other person. Research has found that awkward silences often occur when one person does not take advantage of their turn to move the communication forward.
These silences occur when new material is not introduced to continue feeding the exchange. Minimal responses from one of the parties often lead the conversation to a dead end. These minimal responses may be due to the person not having enough knowledge to provide more information.
However, a topic can also get stuck due to a lack of involvement. Every conversation is an exchange in which the interlocutors have the “obligation” to take turns. During their turn, they not only respond, but must also provide information for a potential new topic. If one of the people is not sufficiently involved, their responses will be minimal, leaving the entire burden of the conversation to fall on the other. When the other gets tired, the conversation is abruptly suspended, creating that awkward silence.
In professional or social contexts, awkward silences can also be related to the pressure to “say something interesting” or the fear of judgment from others, so they are a reflection of our need for social approval and acceptance. The problem is that the more pressure we feel, the more we will block ourselves, increasing the likelihood of those dreaded dead spots in the conversation.
How long must a silence last for it to make us uncomfortable?
Every culture is different. Some cultures, for example, value silence more than others. Research has found that in Japan, people are comfortable with silences of up to 8.2 seconds. In Western society, we can only tolerate 4 seconds without speaking. After that time, silence becomes uncomfortable.
Of course, 4 seconds is not a long time, but it can feel like an eternity when we feel uncomfortable or pressured. Plus, the digital age has magnified the awkwardness of silences.
When instant communication is the norm, we are not used to moments of stillness. This makes silences feel even more strange and out of place to be avoided at all costs. Just as we do not know how to be silent with ourselves, as we constantly stuff ourselves with stimuli, we also do not know how to be silent with others.
How to avoid awkward silences? The art of managing long pauses
- Embrace silence. Silences become uncomfortable because we see them as something negative that we should avoid at all costs. Instead, try to see them as an opportunity to breathe and reflect. Sometimes, it is not necessary to fill every moment with words, especially if those words are not going to contribute anything new or relevant to the conversation.
- Reduce the pressure. Remember that you don’t have to talk all the time. And above all, remember that you don’t have to impress anyone. Allowing natural silences to occur will help the conversation flow more authentically. If neither of you feels pressured, another topic of conversation will soon emerge.
- Practice active listening. Sometimes silence is an invitation to listen more carefully to what the other person is trying to communicate, not just with words. So don’t rush to break it, just pay more attention.
- Ask open-ended questions. If you’re uncomfortable with silence, avoid closed-ended questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Instead, asking open-ended questions, such as “What do you think about…?” can get the conversation going again.
- Use silence to connect. Although it is more common to want to escape silence, the truth is that it can be a connection tool as powerful as words themselves. Silence can be a way to build emotional intimacy, demonstrate mutual trust and comfort. And when two people manage to be silent without being disturbed by it, they also realize that they have something in common: the psychological maturity to accept those long pauses without getting overwhelmed.
Awkward silences are ultimately a reflection of our relationship with ourselves and with others. Rather than fearing them, we should see them as a natural part of human communication. After all, not everything needs to be said, and not everything we keep quiet about is lost. Sometimes, in silence, we find the answers that words cannot express.
References:
Yamada, H. (2015) Yappari, As I Thought: Listener Talk in Japanese Communication. Global Advances in Business Communication ; 4(1): 3.
Koudenburg, N.; Postmes, T., & Gordijn, EH (2011) Disrupting the flow: How brief silences in group conversations affect social needs. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology ; 47(2): 512–515.
Fellegy, A.M. (1995) Patterns and Functions of Minimal Response. American Speech 70(2): 186–199.
Jefferson, G. (1989) Preliminary notes on a possible metric which provides for a “standard maximun” silence of approximately one second in conversation. In: Conversation: an interdisciplinary perspective; 166-196.
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