If you feel bad, talk about it. If something hurts, express it. If a problem is weighing you down, share it…
You’ve probably heard this advice a thousand times. And, without a doubt, putting your worries into words can be cathartic and even therapeutic. Sometimes, sharing your feelings can make you feel lighter or help you find a solution you hadn’t even considered. But not always.
Talking about your problems doesn’t always help. And in some cases, it can even make you feel worse. Psychologist’s word.
The mistake we all make: confusing talking with processing
The idea that expressing what we feel always reduces discomfort is deeply rooted in our culture and has even infiltrated certain ultra-simplified “psychological” discourses.
However, that doesn’t mean that talking for the sake of talking is therapeutic.
We shouldn’t confuse verbal expression with emotional processing because they are not the same. We can put an emotion into words without actually “digesting” it. We can recognize, for example, that we are angry, without that significantly changing our anger.
In fact, you probably know people who talk a lot about their problems without making any real progress toward solving them. They repeat their story over and over again with the same details, the same tone of voice, and the same conclusions. But they don’t actually reflect; they just ruminate and complain out loud.
The processing goes in a different direction and involves understanding the underlying emotion or problem in order to transform and integrate it.
Therein lies a key distinction that we often overlook:
- Complaining is repeating discomfort without any intention of changing it. It’s simply dwelling on what bothers you.
- Processing is connecting with what we feel in order to understand and assimilate it (and that doesn’t always require putting our emotions and feelings into words ).
There’s no doubt that complaining is important and serves a well-defined psychological function: it allows us to release tension in the short term. But in the medium and long term, it tends to make the problem chronic. The brain understands that complaining about the state of things (without doing anything to change it) is the norm, so it automates it.
That’s why some people talk a lot about their problems, but remain exactly where they were years later. It’s not that they lack words, it’s that they lack action. In these cases, talking doesn’t free them, it only reinforces the discomfort.
I see it every day, and science confirms it. Research conducted at the University of Michigan found that repeatedly dwelling on problems and negative emotions, without focusing on solutions, prolongs and intensifies depression instead of alleviating it.
Talking aimlessly is not therapy
Another common mistake is assuming that any conversation about a problem will have a therapeutic effect. But talking isn’t therapy, and friends aren’t psychologists (no matter how much they care for us or how good their intentions are).
Therapy works, among other things, because it follows a structure with clear objectives and well-defined limits, with a professional trained to detect mental loops, cognitive biases, and patterns of emotional avoidance.
The common factors theory indicates that the therapeutic alliance, the psychologist’s personality, the patient’s expectations, and the context of trust are essential elements for healing in all therapeutic models.
This helps people explore and reorganize their own experiences in an environment where they feel psychologically safe, facilitating positive emotional and cognitive changes.
On the other hand, when you talk about your problems without a clear direction, several things can happen:
- You remain stuck in the victim narrative
- You reinforce an identity based on suffering
- You seek constant emotional validation, instead of changing what needs to be changed
- You avoid making uncomfortable decisions because you feel that talking about it is enough
In those cases, words become a substitute for action. You talk, but you don’t confront the situation. You express what you feel, but you don’t lift a finger to change it.
When two or more people talk at length about common problems, they tend to focus on the negative aspects, which mutually reinforces their worries without seeking solutions or new perspectives. A study conducted at the University of Missouri-Columbia found that this can strengthen social bonds, but it also increases symptoms of anxiety and depression. In other words, we may feel closer to the other person in their misfortune, but we also feel worse emotionally.
This explains why some conversations feel intimate and comforting in the moment, but later leave us exhausted and with a bad taste in our mouths. Perhaps you’ve aired your problems, but haven’t found solutions that allow you to move forward; instead, you perpetuate the cycle.
Talking about the same thing over and over doesn’t organize the mind; it muddles it even more. It doesn’t always provide the clarity we seek, but often reinforces the feeling of being stuck. In the long run, it doesn’t even relieve tension; it simply overwhelms us.
When does talking about your problems help (and when doesn’t it)?
Talking about your problems and emotions can be beneficial when:
- It allows you to organize and better understand what you feel
- It not only confirms what you already know, but also opens up new perspectives
- It guides you towards decision-making or encourages you to act, even if it’s a small step
In contrast, talking is often of little use when:
- You repeat the same story without any qualitative change in your level of understanding of what is happening
- You’re just seeking emotional validation; that is, you want your interlocutor to agree with you or pity you
- You don’t act, because you think that talking about it is enough
It’s important to understand that not all discomfort needs to be verbalized immediately. Some problems need to simmer in the quiet contemplation of silence, or even be defined and reshaped from a psychological distance. Thinking that everything must be spoken, shared, and analyzed out loud can lead to an unhealthy emotional overfocus.
There are situations where the best thing to do is not to talk, but rather:
- Change context
- Do something physical
- Make a pending decision
- Set a limit
- Sleep on it
Obviously, debunking the myth that talking about problems improves everything doesn’t mean promoting silence or emotional repression. It means being mature enough to understand that at a certain point, after complaining or venting, it’s time to take action.
Therefore, the question is not always: “Who can I talk to about this?”, but rather: “What am I looking to achieve by telling this?”
If the answer is understanding, change, or clarity, talking can be very helpful. Even venting or catharsis is valid, as long as you’re clear that you must act afterward. Talking is important, but you should also ask yourself what that emotion is telling you and what you’re going to do with it when the conversation is over.
References:
Wampold, B. E. (2015) How important are the common factors in psychotherapy? An update. World Psychiatry; 14(3): 270-277.
Rose, A. J. et. Al. (2007) Prospective associations of co-rumination with friendship and emotional adjustment: considering the socioemotional trade-offs of co-rumination. Dev Psychol; 43(4): 1019-1031.
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000) The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology; 109(3): 504–511.
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