In the popular imagination, being someone’s second choice is equivalent to a real apocalypse. It’s something we try to avoid at all costs. Nobody wants to be someone else’s second choice. And yet, the truth is that almost all of us are someone else’s second, third, fourth… choice. And in reality, rather than talking about second choice, we should be referring to the “other” choice.
Juliet was also Romeo’s second choice
Romeo and Juliet are the epitome of love. Yet few have noticed the fact that Juliet was Romeo’s “second choice.” Romeo was initially deeply in love with Rosaline Capulet and expresses his dismay that she did not reciprocate his love.
In fact, Romeo first meets Juliet while trying to see Rosaline at a gathering hosted by the Capulet family. Many consider Romeo’s early romantic experience with Rosaline to prepare him for his more intense and deeper relationship with Juliet.
Without Rosaline, Romeo probably would not have attended the meeting, so that was the “driving force” for another, much more powerful love story to be born.
Likewise, throughout life our paths cross with those of many people. For a thousand reasons, sometimes those paths separate and then intertwine with others. Big and small decisions – made more or less consciously – often lead to two people meeting, connecting and deciding to stay together.
For that connection to happen, the stars need to be aligned. That is, it is likely that if we had met certain people at another stage in our lives, we would not have connected in the same way. We all change over time. Our worldview and goals in life change. Therefore, finding someone and connecting on a deep level is also the result of all the decisions we have both made or failed to make in the past. It is the result of having disconnected from some people to make room in our lives for the next ones.
What if the second choice was the best choice?
In the realm of personal relationships, “being the second choice” is often perceived as a negative thing that diminishes our worth or places us in an inferior position. However, this way of thinking limits the complex experience that underlies human connection.
There is actually nothing wrong with being someone’s second choice. As long as that person, once they decide, feels satisfied with having done so. We must remember that ambivalence is also a human characteristic. We have all experienced it. And it is nothing to be ashamed of, since it only indicates conflicting feelings and motives. Doubting is human and perfectly legitimate.
In reality, it is much more useless to waste energy establishing some sort of ranking of relationships or decisions. Most relationships go as they should. If they work, great. If they don’t, we take note and learn from our mistakes. It’s that simple.
When we think in terms of “second choice,” we implicitly compare ourselves to someone else and place ourselves on an emotional hierarchy where we feel we are less worthy. But the truth is that in life – and especially in relationships – choices are not always linear. Let’s leave the stories of predestined relationships where everything runs smoothly without a shadow of a doubt for Hollywood romance movies, because, at the end of the day, love doesn’t have to be perfect, but authentic.
In any case, the final message is: if we do our best and things still don’t work out, the problem is not having been the second choice, but being the wrong choice. But that is a risk we run, even if we are the first choice because we can all make mistakes or simply because our expectations have changed. Each decision – whether it is the first, the second or the third – guides us towards experiences that shape us and help us evolve. Ranking relationships is pointless.
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