The ties that keep us together are also the ones that muzzle us the most. The most significant people, those we love the most, are the ones who can hurt us the most deeply, or manipulate us. And since we have a deep emotional bond, it’s often difficult and painful to detect that kind of manipulation.
In fact, one of the worst emotional manipulation tactics is what psychiatrist Dale Archer defined as “love bombing.” It occurs when we meet someone and they shower us with affection, but over time, that affection turns into self-blaming recriminations that end up draining us psychologically.
How does love bombing work?
Love bombing is an attempt to influence another person with excessive displays of attention and affection. In fact, it’s precisely the combination of words and actions that makes it such a powerful manipulation strategy.
This tactic often goes unnoticed, so it’s likely that we’ve fallen victim to it at some point without being fully aware of its existence. At first, the person appears deeply affectionate, may even give us inappropriate gifts, be aware of all the little details we like, and always speak in terms of a “bright future together.” This could be a friend or a partner.
With this affectionate approach, the person makes the relationship progress more quickly than we’re used to. As a result, we may feel like everything is moving too fast, but since things are going perfectly, we don’t get too alarmed and may even think we’ve found the “perfect” partner or friend.
That person’s secret weapon is precisely creating that kind of vertigo because when everything is moving so fast, we don’t stop to reflect or consider the cons of the relationship we’re entering into.
However, there comes a time when we need to pull the handbrake, when that speed feels overwhelming, and we realize we need to take a step back and reflect. This often happens when we start to feel like this new relationship is “absorbing” us; we realize that this person is not only consuming our time but also our personality.
The problem is that as soon as we show signs of doubt and try to break free from the ties that bind us too tightly, the other person reveals their true colors. Then they get angry and call us selfish, reproaching us for our “lack of commitment and dedication.”
Why is this manipulation strategy so difficult to detect?
Love bombing works because we all have a need to connect, to feel accepted and loved. When we find someone who seemingly accepts and loves us, it’s natural to lower our defenses and allow them to become part of our emotional life.
Of course, there are situations in which we can be particularly vulnerable to this manipulation strategy, such as when we have just lost a loved one, moved to a new city, or are going through a breakup. In other cases, the vulnerability isn’t situational but dates back to our childhood and is based on an insecure attachment style.
At first, it’s difficult to identify love bombing because all new relationships tend to be exciting. There’s promise and potential, and emotional ups and downs are normal and don’t necessarily cause alarm.
What’s not normal is that we quickly fall into a serious relationship where the other person demands more and more of our time and tries to control our activities and relationships. In fact, it’s more common for us to enter these relationships with the intention of taking things slowly, but for some reason, we feel pressured to do just the opposite: put our foot down.
Later, even though the manipulator’s mask slips, we may no longer be able to see their true self, but we may end up believing their words and thinking that we are actually ungrateful and inconsiderate people. After all, the weapon they wield against us is too powerful: manipulation disguised as love. There will likely come a point where we reproach ourselves for our behavior and feel guilty. Then we will have fallen into their trap.
The toxic cycle that love bombing generates
Everything remains pretty good until the victim decides to break out of the cage they’ve created around themselves. Then the manipulator doesn’t understand that we could be interested in anything other than that relationship, and the devaluation stage begins. Suddenly, they withdraw all their attention, kindness, and affection. At this point, they’ll try to blame us, so we feel responsible for what’s happening.
The underlying message is very simple: if we behave well and abide by their rules, we will receive love and affection; if we try to break out of that “golden cage,” we will receive a harsh punishment. The problem is that we are usually so emotionally trapped that we fail to recognize this dynamic and believe that the problem is us, not the other person.
Most relationships based on this toxic cycle go through multiple rounds of idealization and devaluation. Each time the person we’ve grown to love devalues us, we struggle to regain their affection, sacrificing another piece of ourselves. Then that person gratifies us again, and we idealize them again, reaching a precarious balance that will eventually be shattered.
In some cases, the manipulator disappears, leaving their victim devastated, sad, and confused. Days or weeks later, they reappear, apologizing and showing their friendlier side. The victim may decide to give them a second chance, and the cycle of manipulation continues.
The final phase of the love bombing cycle is discard, which generally occurs because the victim no longer provides what attracted the manipulator. This usually means that the person is exhausted, emotionally broken, and drained of energy. The manipulator then simply breaks off the relationship in search of another victim. In some cases, the victim may also begin to back down, demanding space and defending boundaries, making it clear that they refuse to be manipulated.
When love squeezes, it’s because it’s not your size.
Manipulators who use love bombing are often adept at detecting low self-esteem or vulnerability in others and exploiting it to their advantage. In fact, they often involve people who have what’s known as the dark triad of personality: narcissistic, Machiavellian, and psychopathic traits.
These people act like emotional vampires, using attention and affection to build a relationship of trust as a means of maintaining control. Instead of worrying about making their victim truly happy, they end up draining their energy and zest for life. To escape this type of toxic relationship, it’s important to:
– Assume it’s manipulation. It’s difficult to accept that while we were seeking understanding and affection, we’ve fallen into the grip of a manipulator. Our ego often resists, but it’s the only way out of this vicious cycle. We must understand that authentic love doesn’t squeeze or limit; it’s respectful and empowers us to grow.
– Cut off contact. It’s difficult to resist this manipulation technique, even if we’re aware of it, so the best thing to do is usually to cut off contact. You have to set boundaries and make it clear to the other person that this toxic cycle won’t be repeated.
– Reconnect with family and friends. If we’ve become isolated, the best way to mend the broken pieces is to reconnect with family and friends who can provide the support we need. In fact, a strong social support network protects us from falling into this type of relationship.
Last but not least, to avoid this emotional manipulation strategy, it’s essential to always go at our own pace. Important decisions shouldn’t be made out of fear, whether it’s the fear of losing someone who seems to meet all our expectations or the fear of being alone. Important decisions should be the result of reflection, which means there’s nothing wrong with approaching relationships at our own pace, committing little by little and giving only what we’re willing to give at that stage of our lives. In the long run, these relationships tend to be stronger and more mature because they’re based on mutual understanding.
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