Blaming others for our failures is ignorant, according to Epictetus

If there were a guilt-o-meter, it would be about to explode.

We live in an era where blaming others for our failures has become the norm. The boss is incompetent. The government ruins us. Luck is never on our side. Our parents traumatized us. Society oppresses us… The list of excuses is endless. And meanwhile, we keep tripping over the same stone, victims of a fatal repetition compulsion, convinced that the cause of our failures is out there.

But what if the problem had our first and last name?

Centuries ago, Epictetus said that “to blame others for our failures is for the ignorant. To blame only oneself is for men who are beginning to learn. And to blame neither oneself nor others is for a man already learned.”

Harsh? Yes. Right? Yeah. The Stoic philosophers didn’t mince words. However, their message is also deeply empowering because it encourages us to take charge of our lives and stop looking for scapegoats for everything that goes wrong.

The epidemic of passing the buck

Epictetus, who lived as a slave before becoming a philosopher, had experienced adversity firsthand. He could have blamed his master, fate, or the gods for his situation. But instead, he understood that the only thing he truly controlled was his thoughts and actions. And that was enough for him to be free, even before he was freed.

In contrast, today more than ever, we look for external culprits for our failures. It’s no coincidence that social media is filled with victim-blaming rhetoric, where everyone feels offended and outraged by something or someone. With generations increasingly hypersensitive and less resilient, it’s not surprising that if we lose our jobs, it’s because of the economy. If our partner leaves us, it’s because they don’t know how to value us. And if we don’t achieve our goals, it’s because the system is against us.

The problem isn’t that some of these things are true (sometimes they are), but that we cling to them as a perpetual justification. We settle into victimhood, we settle into learned helplessness, and we wait for the world to change so we can move forward. But while we wait for everything to change so we can fulfill our desires, time passes inexorably.

The consequences of blaming others

There’s something addictive about passing the buck. It provides instant relief because it saves you from having to double-check your paperwork, and it also gives you an aura of moral superiority. Because, of course: you suffer, you try, you give your best, but others simply aren’t cooperating. The universe conspires against you.

However, the truth is that when you blame others, you give away your power. If you believe your happiness depends on external factors (whether your boss treats you well, the economy improves, your partner understands you, etc.), you condemn yourself to frustration. Because the world doesn’t revolve around you. People won’t always act the way you want them to. And circumstances won’t always be favorable.

For example, imagine you’re walking and bump into someone. You can yell at them, curse them, obsess over what happened… or simply keep walking and forget about it. The first option makes you a hostage to their action. The second, you become the master of your reaction. Epictetus said: “It’s not what happens, but how you interpret it that disturbs you.”

If you look for someone to blame every time something goes wrong, you’re likely to end up living in a loop of resentment, repeating the same mistakes that led you to failure because you don’t do the soul-searching necessary to figure out where you went wrong. On the other hand, if you accept that you alone can control your decisions and reactions, the world suddenly becomes more manageable.

From ignorance to wisdom: the three stages of maturity according to Epictetus

Epictetus thought that there are three levels of psychological maturity:

1. The ignorant. He blames others. In many cases, he doesn’t do this out of malice, but because he doesn’t know a basic truth: he can’t always control what happens, but he can control his response.
2. The apprentice. He only blames himself. He’s the person who has stepped out of the typical victim role and has begun to look inward, taking responsibility for himself.
3. The wise man. He doesn’t blame anyone, neither others nor himself. He has reached such a level of maturity that he understands that the simple act of blaming is a distraction, no matter where it comes from.

Most of us are stuck between the first and second stages. Some begin to realize that not everything is the universe’s fault, but then fall into the other extreme: destructive self-criticism. They then beat themselves up for every mistake and believe they’re a complete mess. If they don’t move forward, they’re likely to end up with shattered self-esteem, paralyzed by guilt.

True progress comes when we stop looking for someone to blame. Because blame, even toward oneself, is useless. It solves nothing. It only generates more frustration. Spiritual maturity involves stopping thinking in terms of “who was at fault ” and starting to think in terms of “what can I do about this ?”

It is not just about climbing a step, but about reaching a summit where we say to ourselves:

• Did I do badly? Good. What did I learn?
• Did I fail? Okay. What can I adjust?
• Did someone hurt me? Yes. What do I do with that pain?

Then Stoic magic occurs: inner peace, that serenity that comes not from everything going well, but from nothing that happens disturbing our center of gravity too much.

Less pointing fingers, more mirror

In “The Enchiridion,” Epictetus recommends: “You can only achieve these feelings by renouncing everything that does not depend on you, and by considering as good everything that depends on you. For if you assume as ‘good’ or ‘evil’ something that does not depend on you, your desires will necessarily be frustrated and you will fall into what you fear, complaining and hating those you believe have caused your discomfort.”

How to apply it?

1. Separate the controllable from the uncontrollable. The first step is to draw a clear line between what’s within your control and what isn’t. Is your boss incompetent? Uncontrollable. Is your performance at work? Controllable. Learn to differentiate between external factors beyond your control because obsessing over them will only generate unnecessary anxiety. This distinction will help you become the true architect of your destiny.
2. Stop complaining about what you can’t change. Does politics infuriate you? Fine, but if you only complain and don’t act, you’re wasting energy. Complaints are like a rocking chair; they give you something to do, but they don’t get you anywhere. They exhaust you without producing any real change. In fact, the brain that becomes accustomed to complaining reinforces the neural pathways of victimhood. Breaking this vicious cycle requires a conscious decision: either invest that energy in productive action or shed the burden for good.
3. Focus on your response . The key question when facing any problem isn’t “who’s to blame?” but “what can I do about it?” If a problem has a solution, act. If it doesn’t, accept it and move on. Applying this mental filter avoids two traps: the paralysis of resentment and the scourge of unnecessary guilt. Controlling your reaction is the last bastion of freedom that no one can take away from you.

Remember that every time you get frustrated and bitter, blaming others for your failures, you’re denying yourself the greatest power you have: the power to choose how to respond to what happens to you. So the next time something doesn’t go as expected, before you hit the blame-o-meter… take a breath and ask yourself: “What’s in my control?“

And start from there. Because maybe you can’t change the world, but you can stop blaming it for everything that’s wrong in your life. And that’s the beginning of maturity.

Reference:

Arriano, L. F. (2013) Equiridion, o manual de Epicteto. CreateSpace Independent Publishing.