“He who doesn’t like anyone, no one likes him,” said Isaac Newton. And he was not wrong. Of course, there are complicated relationships due to their conflictive history or character incompatibilities, but in most cases we become experts in the drama. We complicate relationships through convoluted psychological mechanisms that we are not usually aware of but that end up sowing doubts, generating conflicts and leaving a trail of dissatisfaction.
Do you have complicated relationships or complicate your relationships?
1. Attribution of bad intentions
A person who blocked your path while you were walking. A coworker who went to lunch without you. A friend who didn’t want to meet you one night. A detail that your partner has forgotten to mention to you… In these times, it seems as if everyone is looking for reasons to feel offended.
However, in many cases that feeling of offense does not come from the fact itself, but from our interpretation; that is, the bad intentions that we attribute to the other. If your friend rejects your invitation because he feels bad, there is no reason for you to feel offended. And if you didn’t assume that your partner was trying to hide something from you, you wouldn’t worry either.
Assumptions – which imply taking something for granted without evidence – push us to draw erroneous conclusions that can sink relationships and make our lives very complicated. Therefore, before concluding that everyone is conspiring against you, investigate their motives. It is likely that the underlying reasons are not what you imagine. And try not to take things too personally. You will live more peacefully and your relationships will flow better.
2. Follow a very rigid script
We all make movies in our minds. It is normal since, at the end of the day, we are the protagonists of our lives. We have been at the epicenter of every experience we have lived and every day we write the script and interpret our character.
However, you must be careful because this vital role can quickly degenerate into blind egocentrism. If you get too attached to the script you’ve written and the role you play, you’ll probably end up thinking that the world revolves around you. Worse still, you may expect others to accept supporting roles in their own lives and simply orbit around yours.
The truth is that each person is the star of their movie, so we have to do the math with all those intertwined scripts. Don’t force others to play supporting roles in your movie. Accept that you won’t always be their priority. Instead, give them the spotlight from time to time. Embrace plot twists, be open to improvisation, and welcome new “characters.” This ability to flow will considerably improve your relationships and, above all, your attitude towards life.
3. Being unable to let go and close circles
A fight years ago with a brother. A disagreement with the parents. That refusal to help us from a friend. The betrayal of a partner… No relationship is perfect, but if you cling to negative moments you will be creating the ideal breeding ground for resentment, an emotion that will end up clouding the relationship even more.
Of course, forgiving or letting go is not easy. Children of the culture of adding, subtracting grievances and breaking relationships, we are not particularly good at it. Many times we cling to situations and people without realizing that it harms us. Maybe you need to forgive someone. Or maybe you can’t forgive him and have to put an end to a relationship with no future. Whatever the decision, we must start implementing closures.
Put things in perspective. You will realize that holding a grudge hurts you more than forgiving. Or that staying in a relationship just out of habit or because you lack the courage to take the step hurts you. Learning to close the circles of life is essential to achieve a state of mental peace that will then be transferred to the rest of the relationships, those that we really want to flourish since they help us grow and become a source of authentic satisfaction.