Coercive control, the covert manipulation that traps us

The difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one is not always obvious. Sometimes behavioral dynamics become diffuse and emotions prevent us from clearly seeing what is happening. For this reason, on many occasions coercive control takes wings, locking its victim in a mental prison from which it is very difficult to escape, especially if the manipulator presents himself as a “savior.”

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is a deliberate and systematic pattern of behaviors through which one person attempts to control the relationship and subjugate the will of the other. To do this, they can use different strategies, from threats, attacks, humiliation or other types of intimidation to more subtle psychological and emotional manipulation techniques such as guilt or sarcasm.

It is a form of continuous oppression that is used to generate fear and maintain power over the person, but it is not always easy to identify since often the person exercising coercive control poses as the “savior” of a “helpless victim.” That person can assume the role of “guardian” or “defender”, becoming “indispensable”, to the point that the other submits so as not to lose their “protection” or “help”.

The mechanism underlying coercive manipulation

The main goal of coercive manipulation is to take away the victim’s autonomy and deny his sense of self. The controller is responsible for undermining his self-confidence and security, making him doubt himself.

It generally affects the “traumatic bonds” that you may carry, increasing your insecurities and activating old fears, such as the fear of loneliness, rejection or abandonment. For example, if he knows that you were a victim of emotional neglect as a child, he will threaten to abandon you. And if he knows that you are uncomfortable with your body, he will use it to attack and control you.

In many cases these attacks are camouflaged, which is why this manipulation strategy is usually so difficult to detect. That person may even tell you that he or she is saying or doing it for your own good, thus underlining the idea that you are not capable of determining what is good for you, so you need to depend on his or her judgment and good will.

This phenomenon is colloquially known as “knight errant syndrome” because the controller presents himself as a “savior.” The problem is that when you assume you need to be “saved,” you give away your decision-making power and run the risk of becoming extremely dependent.

The 5 signs that reveal coercive control

The philosopher Michel Foucault thought that power relations are omnipresent and manifest in multiple forms, including the most intimate ones. Coercive control, understood as a form of manipulation or domination that restricts personal freedom, challenges the notion of respect and dignity that should characterize developmental relationships. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to detect it, although there are always premonitory signs.

1. Limit your autonomy. If someone tries to reduce your freedom of movement or thought, they are probably using some coercive control tactic. If they try to tell you where you can or cannot go or tell you what you can or cannot think or even feel, they’re trying to limit your autonomy and undermine your decision-making capacity.
2. Control through love and approval. The worst type of coercive manipulation comes from those closest to you, they often leverage emotions to achieve their goals. The manipulator can use your commitment, love and dedication as a tool of control, making you feel guilty if you do not give in to their demands or making their affection and attention subordinate to your obedience. They can withdraw or grant love and approval, using emotions as a form of control.
3. Minimization and trivialization of your feelings. If lately you feel like your emotions don’t count or you’re even ashamed of them, it’s likely that you’re being subjected to some type of coercive manipulation. The controller often trivializes his victim’s feelings and concerns, telling him that he is overreacting, that he is stirring up a storm in a teacup, or that he has no reason to feel that way.
4. They alter reality to make you doubt. Many controllers resort to a gaslighting strategy to make their victims doubt their own judgment and even their perception of reality. In this way they make you become more dependent on them, who will become your “providers” of the “correct” way of seeing and doing things. Their goal is for you to see the world exclusively through their eyes so they can control you.
5. Veiled threats. Coercive control is also exercised through direct threats, but in many cases the manipulator uses subtle hints or passive-aggressive comments that generate fear or anxiety in their victim. For example, they can mention negative consequences indirectly by saying “it would be a shame if something bad happened” to generate a state of constant anxiety that makes you feel like you are walking on glass about to break, which will keep you in a state of systematic alert that leads to in submission since it prevents you from thinking clearly.

How to escape that type of manipulation?

Recognizing that we are involved in a situation of coercive control is the first step. Unfortunately, many people never notice it, simply because they get used to that type of dynamic and think it is normal. However, it is important not to normalize or justify coercive actions.

Once the situation of abuse has been detected, it is essential not to recriminate ourselves. Blaming yourself won’t help you move forward. On the contrary, it can paralyze you. What you really need is to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, as you would treat a friend in that situation. You need to regain confidence in yourself and your ability to move forward.

Having a support network of friends and family who can offer you emotional support and practical help during the recovery process can also be providential, especially to avoid falling back into the manipulator’s network.

Lastly, you must learn to set clear boundaries. And if that person doesn’t comply, you could even consider cutting off all contacts. Remember that coercive control is a form of abuse where you are in a hostage-like situation. No matter what the underlying story, you should not and do not deserve to endure such treatment.