Envy has a very bad reputation, so very few of us are willing to admit that, at least on occasion, we’ve felt that mixture of admiration and frustration. We’ve generally been taught to repress it, hide it, and even feel guilty about it.
However, envy could also have a positive function: we could use it as a compass to show us what we lack or what we would like to develop. Instead of fighting it or sweeping it under the rug, we could use it as a sign and ask ourselves: what is this emotion telling me about my desires and needs?
Understanding envy, much more than a simple negative feeling
Envy is a universal emotion that arises spontaneously in certain situations. In fact, it comes from the Latin word invidere , which means “to look up” or “to look down upon,” although the philologist Igor Sibaldi suggests that one of its meanings could also be “to see through the eyes of others.”
Therefore, envy is actually a complex social emotion. It’s not just about wanting what someone else has, but rather it involves an implicit comparison in which we feel we lack something. It’s not a simple observation where we say to ourselves, “He has that,” but rather, “He has something I want and feel I’m missing.”
In that sense, psychologists from the University of Kentucky made a distinction between two types of envy:
- Malicious envy. It is a corrosive and destructive feeling, as it comes accompanied by hostility and resentment towards the person who possesses what we do not have, wishing that they lose it.
- Benign envy. It’s taking note of what we lack when we see it in others, but it’s free from the resentment and hostility that accompanies malicious envy since it focuses more on oneself.
In fact, a subsequent study at Tilburg University showed that while malicious envy leads to the desire to harm the other person so that they lose what they have, benign envy generates a motivation to advance because it is oriented towards improving our position.
Essentially, there is a constructive envy that motivates learning and self-improvement, acting as a catalyst for personal growth since it often pushes us to strive harder to achieve what we desire. This leads to the idea of understanding envy as a compass that shows us the way.
Envy as an indicator of what we lack
In reality, emotions are neither good nor bad; they are simply signals. And envy can be a clue that something in our lives is not aligned with our desires or aspirations. Therefore, instead of berating ourselves for feeling it, one of the wisest ways to harness this emotion is to see it as an indicator of our shortcomings or desires—desires that we may have suppressed until that moment.
For example, if you feel envious of a work colleague who travels the world, perhaps what you really want is not simply to travel, but that you feel trapped or stuck in life and yearn for that kind of freedom, flexibility, or meaningful experiences.
What’s interesting is that envy is directed more at our values than at the object or quality itself. In other words, it’s not so much about wanting what the other person has, but about recognizing that this situation triggers a desire in ourselves that we may have ignored.
In fact, another study carried out at the University of Cologne indicated that healthy or benign envy, as they categorized it, can act as a powerful intrinsic motivator by showing us the gap between what we are and what we would like to be, when we see ourselves through the lens of the person who has achieved what we desire.
These researchers point out that, although painful and frustrating due to the comparison, this envy can also be constructive if we are able to channel it toward self-improvement. In that case, we could transform the discomfort it usually generates into motivation to close the gap with the other person.
How to listen to the message of envy – and use it to improve?
Listening to envy involves engaging in a process of honest self-exploration to understand its message. Some questions that can guide you are:
- What exactly makes me envious?
- Why do I want that?
- What values or needs does that desire reflect?
The idea is to look beyond the obvious to understand the underlying psychological need. For example, if you feel envious of someone leading an important project, perhaps what you desire isn’t the position itself, but the associated recognition or the confidence to take risks. When you identify the underlying need, you’ll know where to focus your energy and you’ll stop comparing yourself destructively to others.
At this point, you just need to transform envy into constructive action. Ask yourself what you can do to get closer to that ideal and plan concrete steps that will help you achieve what you want, even if it takes time.
For example, if you envy someone who runs marathons but have never exercised, don’t aim to run 50 km in a month. Start with small goals that allow you to gradually improve your fitness and bring you closer to the version of yourself you want to achieve.
So, the next time you feel that uncomfortable pang of envy, don’t ignore it, listen to it. Try to understand what it’s trying to tell you and let it guide you toward what you might want or need. That way, you can use it constructively, and it will stop being a feeling that eats away at you from the inside.
References:
Crusius, J. et. Al. (2019) Envy: An Adversarial Review and Comparison of Two Competing Views. Emotion Review; 12(1): 10.1177.
van de Ven N, Zeelenberg M, Pieters R. (2009) Leveling up and down: the experiences of benign and malicious envy. Emotion; 9(3): 419-429.
Smith, R. H., & Kim, S. H. (2007) Comprehending envy. Psychological Bulletin; 133(1): 46–64.
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