Children and adolescents are steeped in a culture of competition and perfectionism. Success is defined in relation to status, performance and physical appearance. All of these values are transmitted, even if unintentionally, and children gradually accept and assume them as their own.
In the same way, we adults get carried away by this idea and are disappointed when the child does not get a good grade or is too shy. In this way we push them to meet our expectations, even though we are aware that a good grade is no guarantee of success.
The skills that lead to true success
Success is not directly linked to intelligence, at least not mathematical and rational intelligence. Numerous studies have shown that success depends more on qualities such as optimism, curiosity, self-confidence and the ability to handle obstacles. How are these abilities developed?
Through a secure attachment, within the home, when children feel protected and loved. These qualities are enhanced by spending quality time with children, being fully present and showing responsibility and interest in their problems and motivations.
Why is pressuring children a double-edged sword?
Although it may seem contradictory, excessive parental surveillance of their children, especially with regard to school grades, has a negative effect on their psychological and academic development. When parents invest in results rather than effort, children become less interested in developing their abilities and lose intrinsic motivation to study because they begin to understand that what counts are the final results, not the path they have followed.
On the other hand, setting the bar too high, having very high expectations for their performance, often causes fear. Children understand that our expectations rest on their shoulders and begin to fear failure, which becomes an obstacle to their development. This level of stress is not beneficial for children’s development because it inhibits their curiosity, damages their self-esteem and encourages them to lie to escape their responsibilities.
Remember that under pressure, most children are obedient and can achieve the results you ask of them, but in the long run, you will inhibit their independent thinking and all those skills that can lead to real success. If you do not give them the space to find their own way because you fill them with expectations, the child will not be able to make their own decisions, experiment and develop their identity.
The biggest risk: The need to hide emotions
One of the most serious consequences of excessive expectations on children is that they tend to hide their feelings and problems. As they are aware that they are expected to behave in a certain way, they prefer to hide their emotions because they are ashamed of not fitting into the expected role, so they prefer to play the role that is expected of them.
Obviously, this creates numerous conflicts and makes the child develop a very fragile personality or, on the contrary, in adolescence he seeks refuge in self-harm or substance abuse. This is the typical case of parents who think that their child is happy only because he gets good grades at school without considering that academic performance does not always go hand in hand with success in social relationships, which are often much more important for children and adolescents.
When we do not teach children to express their feelings, they become entrenched and cause harm, generating frustration and a great emotional void.
What should you do?
– Encourage your child to make his own decisions and teach him to think about the consequences
– Set limits but only on those activities that are really dangerous
– Emphasize effort, not results
– Accept and encourage their opinions, even if they are contrary to yours
– Punish the behavior, not the person
– Teach him to express his emotions assertively
– Make him feel accepted and loved, not in spite of what he is but precisely because of what he is.
References:
Tough, P. (2012). How children succeed . New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company.
Levine, M. (2006) The price of privilege . New York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers.
