When a relationship breaks up, especially if there was a deep emotional bond, it’s difficult to move on. The first few days, weeks, or even months are difficult. During this period, we live on a true emotional roller coaster, going from sadness and pain to longing and guilt. Often, even though we know this end is necessary, we experience a deep urge to call the person to try to rekindle the relationship. In some cases, we can even suffer from full-blown emotional withdrawal.
What is emotional withdrawal syndrome?
When a person stops using a substance to which they were addicted, they suffer from what is known as withdrawal syndrome. Discontinuing use creates an imbalance in neurotransmitters, particularly affecting the brain’s reward circuitry. In practice, we stop receiving the “pleasure” or “stimulation” that the substance provided, leaving us in a state of deprivation that generates physical and psychological symptoms.
However, withdrawal symptoms are not limited to those who consume alcohol, tobacco, or drugs; they can also be seen in emotional dependencies, in which the person is not dependent on a substance but rather on affection or a relationship with someone.
In fact, emotional dependency is one of the most common problems in relationships. It’s an addiction to the other person that ultimately limits one’s life and causes deep dissatisfaction. During this dependent relationship, the person becomes so focused on the other that they neglect themselves. Their focus is on the other person and they constantly put their needs before their own, ultimately creating deep emotional voids within themselves.
In the long run, this dependence creates a suffocating situation, lacking inner freedom and emotional and affective autonomy. When this relationship breaks down, the person enters withdrawal.
Therefore, emotional withdrawal syndrome is nothing more than the set of symptoms that a person experiences when they break off a particularly emotionally intense relationship on which they were dependent.
Symptoms of emotional withdrawal
Emotional withdrawal syndrome occurs when we stop seeing someone with whom we had a very intense relationship, usually a partner. Interestingly, the symptoms of emotional withdrawal are even more intense when it comes to a toxic or conflictive relationship, or when there has been infidelity.
When a person has low self-esteem, the symptoms of emotional withdrawal are also more intense and will be more difficult to overcome, as they will tend to harbor negative and discouraging thoughts.
The most common symptoms of emotional withdrawal are:
– Anguish and anxiety over the loss of the person and/or the prospect of having to rebuild one’s life alone.
– Sadness, melancholy and nostalgia for the past with that person.
– Obsessive thoughts about the person, often recalling happy moments.
– Feelings of guilt and self-recriminations about the breakup.
– Compulsions related to the desire to call and contact the lost person.
– Feeling of emptiness and inability to enjoy activities that previously brought pleasure.
In some cases, the symptoms of emotional withdrawal are not only psychological but also manifest physically:
– Insomnia and loss of appetite
– Dizziness, nausea, and loss of balance
– Feeling of tightness in the chest
– Feeling of suffocation or difficulty breathing
In most cases, emotional withdrawal syndrome is a brief experience that gradually subsides as the person accepts their new situation, but in other cases, it can be experienced with extreme intensity. In fact, it’s important to be aware that this process isn’t linear; we may experience ups and downs, stages in which symptoms may return with marked intensity, and we once again feel that overwhelming urge to contact and see the person.
How to overcome emotional withdrawal?
– Assume that it is a transitional stage
When we lose a loved one, it’s normal to feel sad and even angry. We may think we’ll never be happy again or that we’ll never find someone who can fill that void. Although these thoughts are common, it’s important not to cling to them and understand that we’re simply going through a temporary phase. Each person is unique, just like every relationship we establish. It’s not about finding someone else, but rather a different person with whom to share new experiences. We must be aware that the first three months are the most difficult, but then, little by little, we begin to accept what happened and regain confidence in life.
– Zero contact
When we’ve decided the relationship is no longer valid, continuing to maintain contact, hoping everything can be fixed, is often counterproductive and only serves to prolong the suffering and increase the emotional dependence. Therefore, it’s best to cut off contact, since maintaining a close relationship increases the risk of relapse. This doesn’t mean we can’t maintain a good relationship in the future, but for the first few months, it’s best to reduce contact to zero. As with drugs, seeing the person we love and maintaining contact activates the neural circuitry of reward and infatuation, which prevents us from thinking clearly and making rational decisions that help us feel better.
– Look for distractions
It’s not about splitting hairs or escaping our feelings by immersing ourselves in a frenzy of outings and dates, but in the early stages, it’s necessary to occupy our minds with other things to avoid falling into the loop of recurring negative thoughts. Distracting ourselves will help us move on, because it allows us to realize there’s life beyond that relationship. In fact, it’s a good idea at this stage to look for new things that motivate you or to resume activities you enjoyed but had put aside. Focus more on yourself and enjoy it. In the end, you might even end up enjoying that semi-solitude.
– Resume social relationships
If you’ve been neglecting your social life, something quite common when experiencing emotional dependency, the breakup is the best time to reconnect with old friendships or meet new people who can provide you with new perspectives and help you experience new things. Remember that having a strong social support network is essential for recovering from emotional setbacks.
– Make a list of reasons why the relationship ended
It’s normal for us to feel destabilized when we go through emotional withdrawal syndrome, feeling alone and helpless, as if an important part of our life has been ripped away from us. In these situations, our memory often plays tricks on us, reminding us only of the good times, as if we were suffering from a kind of amnesia for the bad times. Therefore, it’s a good idea to create a kind of “reference reminder” to help us remember the reasons for the breakup and, above all, the goals behind it, which could include gaining independence, recovering our identity, improving our self-confidence, and so on.
– Deidealization
One of the traps of emotional withdrawal syndrome, which is often rooted in our fears or the inner emptiness we experience, is idealizing the lost person. In this way, we end up yearning for and suffering from an unreal image. We apply a “mental filter” to these people, stripping them of their most negative or harmful characteristics, so that we only remember their most positive traits. Idealizing the past and the person will not help us get out of this emotional hole, so we must be aware of the trap our mind tries to set for us, and, in response to each attempt at idealization, we must seek the facts that show us that the past was not so precious.
– Develop an emergency plan
At some point, the urge to reconnect with that person is likely to be very strong. We must be prepared to confront that impulse and not succumb to it. Therefore, we must develop an “emergency plan,” such as: instead of calling that person, you can call someone who can accompany you, or do some interesting activity that will help you erase that impulse from your mind. It’s important not to leave anything to chance, as otherwise, we’re likely to end up doing things we’ll later regret.
Finally, we must remember that love is not suffering. We have the right to be happy, and we shouldn’t give it up, not even in the name of love. True love gives us wings; it doesn’t tie us down. When love is too tight, it’s simply not our size.
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