“Why does everyone tell me what I have to do?” asks the protagonist of the novel “Alice in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll and then continues: “No! This is my dream and I will decide how it continues.”
If you identify with Alice… Welcome to the club! You are not the only one. In recent times, especially with the proliferation of social networks, various opinionists and gurus, it seems as if everyone claims the right to tell you what you have to do and, obviously, what is absolutely prohibited.
Why is there always someone willing to tell you what to do?
Your co-worker tells you that you should take on a task that doesn’t belong to you. Your mother tells you that you should put the coat on your son. Your friends tell you that you should go out more. Someone writes to you on Instagram that you should lose weight and the influencer on duty on TikTok explains to you the only way to follow to protect your mental health. The press tells you what you have to think…
From family to friends or even strangers on social media, it seems like there’s always someone willing to tell you what you should do with your life. Obviously, all of this is mentally exhausting and all you feel like doing is yelling at them: “Stop telling me what to do!” Does it sound familiar to you?
In most cases, these intrusions are nothing more than well-intentioned advices, but they are based on the mistaken idea that what is good for one person will be good for another. People who continually tell you what to do assume that they have knowledge or skills that you lack – but that you urgently need to get your life back on track.
Why do they do it?
Beyond those people willing to stick their noses in your life and direct it remotely – which there always has been and always will be – in recent times the vast majority seem to suffer from the Dunning-Kruger effect. In other words, they give their opinion on everything without having a clue. They believe that by reading a couple of self-help books they become psychologists or that consulting some medical articles turns them into doctors. That perception pushes them to think that they know more than you and, therefore, that they are capable of telling you what to do.
Aside from that delusion, it is also possible that unsolicited advice is due to the fact that some people perceive a “void” in you that they rush to fill. In other words, if those around you notice insecurity, confusion, or simply a lack of clarity about your next steps, it is likely that they feel legitimate to tell you what you should do with your life.
Why do we hate being told what we should do?
The answer is simple: psychological reactance.
Psychological reactance is your brain’s response when it perceives that your freedom is in danger, such as when someone tries to restrict your options or freedom to choose.
In fact, it is a well-known phenomenon in the health area. Some people react badly to anti-smoking campaigns and, due to psychological reactance, instead of smoking less, the advertisements have the opposite effect and consolidate the smoking habit.
Often this kind of coercion generates all kinds of negative thoughts that are accompanied by anger, hostility and aggression. You are likely to feel criticized and misunderstood. In a way, that emotional tsunami pushes you back to your childhood, when your parents told you what to do. And that’s not nice.
As a result, when you feel that someone or something is threatening your freedom, it is normal for you to experience an overwhelming need to do something. And that something is usually rebelling against the advice or the norm. This type of reaction is called “direct restoration” since it is aimed at recovering freedom in danger.
Of course, other people react differently. There are those who rethink the experience so that the advice does not become a threat to freedom, so that they are not forced to react accordingly. It is common for these people to change their minds and even deceive themselves by assuming that the idea was theirs. Thus they deny the threat and deactivate psychological reactance. In that case, the typical phrase is: “I was going to do it anyway.”
How do you deal with people who are always willing to tell you what you should do?
There is a good reason why one of the first words children learn to say is “no.” Denial empowers them, allows them to differentiate themselves from others and helps them gain autonomy while reaffirming their decisions.
In everyday life, you can’t stop influencers from handing out advice left and right or those around you from claiming the right to tell you what you should do, but you have the power to decide. Remember that you can’t control other people, the only thing you can control is how you react.
When they tell you what to do, stop for a moment and think. Block your initial reaction – for which you will have to learn to calm your ego. After all, it’s also not wise to simply react in the opposite direction just to assert yourself, as if you were having a childish tantrum.
Analyze if that advice is worth it or if it can bring you something positive. Makes sense? Could it help you with something? If not, just throw it away. You don’t even need to get angry, tell that person: “I have taken note of your opinion, but I don’t think it is valid in my case.” When you repeat it several times, his impulse to tell you what to do will likely fade.
References:
Bessarabova, E., Fink, E. L., & Turner, M. (2013). Reactance, restoration, and cognitive structure: Comparative statics. Human Communication Research; 39(3): 339-364.
Kruger, J. & Dunning, D (1999) Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 77(6): 1121-1134.
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