Have you ever felt profoundly empty after achieving something important, perhaps a long-cherished dream or an ambitious goal? You’re supposed to feel joyful and proud of what you’ve accomplished, but instead of floating on cloud nine, a feeling of listlessness and apathy hangs over you, one you can’t quite understand or shake off.
Actually, that feeling of emptiness after fulfilling a dream or achieving a goal is more common than you think, and although it has several explanations (from a drop in dopamine to a mismatch between expectations and reality), there is another, much deeper cause that most people are not willing to accept, but which can radically change the way you see and face your life.
Mass-produced wishes
We tend to think that we are the sole architects of our desires and dreams, but behind many of these goals lies a web of social pressures, external expectations, and cultural icons that subtly but unequivocally shape both what we want and what we aspire to.
In a classic psychology experiment, Muzafer Sherif projected a point of light into a completely dark room. The light appeared to move due to an optical effect, although it was not actually moving. Initially, each participant had to estimate the magnitude of the movement. Then, they had to estimate it as a group, and finally, after a week, they returned to the laboratory to individually estimate the amplitude of the movement.
What was interesting was that each group found its own “social norm”; that is, they reached a tacit agreement about the amount of movement. But even more interesting was that, a week later, each person maintained their group’s response, even though it had differed from their own initially. This simple experiment demonstrates that social influence is much deeper and more subtle than we think, ultimately shaping our goals and desires, often without our conscious awareness.
Obviously, the problem isn’t that we adapt to the group, since we need to do so to live in society. The problem, as Erich Fromm warned in “To Have or To Be” (a must-read), is that the system molds our desires to orient them toward consumption and possession, replacing authentic needs with artificial ones. He stated that “Modern man lives with the illusion that he knows what he wants, while in reality he wants what he is supposed to want.”
When we lose the connection with ourselves, the ability to look inside and ask ourselves what we need, want and desire apart from what society imposes, it is normal for that space to end up occupied with mass-produced desires that we have internalized, but that do not really belong to us.
It goes without saying that when those desires finally materialize, they don’t bring us the joy, satisfaction, or pride we expected simply because they don’t resonate with our true needs. Perhaps we’ve achieved something important. Yes. But… important to whom?
Empty identities from a pre-made catalog
Capitalism requires the skillful manufacture of desires to sell us things and experiences we don’t really need and that, in many cases, aren’t even relevant to us. “It does this by exposing us to images, texts, and videos chosen by algorithms or advertising to subtly condition our desires,” Yanis Varoufakis pointed out in “Technofeudalism” (another book I recommend).
The worst part isn’t even being sold unnecessary things, but rather being bombarded with perfectly packaged identities and lifestyles under seemingly catchy titles like “successful entrepreneur,” “perfect body,” or “interesting life.” Each of these labels comes with a set of goals, habits, and aspirations that we adopt as our own without hardly questioning them. We believe we’re choosing freely, when in reality we’re selecting from a pre-configured catalog.
The paradox is that the more faithfully we follow these models and the more successful we become, the further we distance ourselves from our true selves. “ The greater the capacity of the technostructure to ignite passions, the greater the inner emptiness that is felt when these passions are indulged ,” Varoufakis warned.
The system not only manufactures artificial needs, desires, and identities, but also serial frustrations and existential void. Varoufakis pointed out that “The more our mass-produced desires are satisfied, the less satiated we feel,” simply because these are artificial milestones.
In such cases, satisfaction is short-lived and reveals an inner emptiness. It is at this moment that we most strongly feel the disconnection from our true selves and the inability to know what we truly want and desire.
What is the solution?
I’m not going to get lost in further philosophical discussions, but rather propose a very simple exercise. If the last important goal you achieved (whether it was finishing your degree, buying an apartment, or landing your “dream job”) left you with a strange feeling in your mouth, it’s likely that you should rethink some things in your life.
Therefore, ask yourself, “What do I truly want?” And ask yourself again as many times as necessary because the first answers that come to mind are likely preconceived desires, ideas that someone else has implanted, making you believe that you should aspire to them. When you finally think you’ve found your answer, ask yourself again, “Is that what I truly want?” And pay attention to how your body responds, as it’s the best amplifier of the instinct you’ve probably been suppressing for some time.
After years of accumulating other people’s expectations, it’s difficult to shed all the social layers that have built up in order to look within yourself. In fact, it’s possible that when you finally let go of everything you supposedly should want, you won’t know what you want. That’s frightening. Looking into your inner void can generate a certain existential vertigo, but it’s a good starting point for building a life more aligned with your true self, where every step brings you genuine joy and satisfaction.
Source:
Sherif, M. (1935) A study of some social factors in perception. Archives of Psychology; 27(187).
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