Resilience will not prevent us from suffering, because it is not a protective shield that can keep us away from adversity. However, it allows us to face problems with greater fortitude and alleviates pain in the most difficult moments.
The good news is that resilience is a skill that can be developed. We are all born with the ability to be resilient. Our minds, like our bodies, have a natural tendency to find a new balance in the midst of adversity, in order to continue functioning in the most adaptive way possible.
In fact, in a study conducted at the New York Academy of Medicine after the September 11 attacks, researchers found that one month after the event, 7.5% of the population had symptoms of post-traumatic stress. However, six months later, only 0.6% of people still had these problems, meaning that most people experienced a natural recovery.
However, just because we tend to be resilient doesn’t mean we will be. In fact, throughout our lives we can learn certain patterns of thinking and behavior that undermine this ability. In practice, we can become our own worst obstacle in the face of adversity.
What are the thoughts and behaviors that sabotage resilience?
1. Assume problems as an obstacle
When we face a problem, it is normal to perceive it as an obstacle to achieving our goals. However, overcoming that first reaction is essential to being resilient. In a study conducted at the University of Michigan, researchers were able to prove that resilient people were those who faced negative events as a challenge. In this way, they managed to generate a more positive state of mind that allowed them to better cope with adversity.
In fact, analyzing what happened with catastrophic thinking only generates worry and stress, which will make our situation even worse. Thinking that the problem has no solution or that we will not be able to face it will prevent us from finding adaptive solutions and will cause us to overestimate the scope and consequences of the event, plunging us into despair.
2. Deny the changes
Changes are part of life, some are positive, others are not. However, denying them can be very dangerous for our emotional balance. It has been observed that one of the pillars of resilience is, precisely, the acceptance of adversity. It is not about assuming a passive attitude but about integrating that painful experience into our “self” and moving forward. People who deny painful events and do not reflect on them, fail to find meaning in them and cannot incorporate the experience into their life story. In this way, that event and the pain it causes continue to be active and generate discomfort.
So, although changes can be unsettling, it is essential to be willing to move on from that stage, find a positive meaning in them, and move on. Many people don’t even consider doing so because reflecting on certain events causes pain. But you should consider that unresolved traumas cause even deeper and more permanent pain.
3. Blame others
Blaming others or the system can be cathartic, but in the long run it will leave you in the same spot and not knowing what to do. In fact, it can even create frustration as you feel like you have no control over your life. When this becomes a common coping pattern, a person believes that they are incapable of dealing with adversity.
However, if there is one thing that distinguishes resilient people, it is their high sense of responsibility. These people do not look for someone to blame, nor do they go on a witch hunt against themselves. Instead, they assume the share of responsibility that corresponds to them for their actions. Nothing more, nothing less. The interesting thing is that in this way, they develop an internal locus of control, which allows them to feel in control of their lives, a feeling that promotes a more active and positive style of coping with problems.
4. Not having a sense of humor
One of the characteristics of resilient people is their sense of humor. In fact, we are often surprised by how the people who have had to face the most problems throughout their lives are precisely those who always have a smile on their faces and are able to take life with a sense of humor.
Humor not only creates a positive mood that helps us deal with adversity, but it is also essential to reduce some of the negative emotional impact. When we are able to laugh at problems and at ourselves, we take the drama out of the situation and it will be easier for us to deal with its negative effects.
5. Lack of goals
In Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” the psychiatrist recounts his experiences in Nazi concentration camps. Frankl noticed that the people who survived were those who had a meaning to live. Those who had lost hope and could not find an explanation for everything that was happening to them simply let themselves die.
A person who lacks his or her own goals loses the motivation to fight adversity and gives up immediately. That is why it is so important to re-evaluate our goals in life from time to time and make sure that they continue to motivate us and that they are not a simple reflection of what others expect of us. Remember that goals are your driving force when things get tough, do not let other people decide them for you.
6. Feeding a negative image of yourself
Giving free rein to negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself, doubting your abilities and facing life with fear is the best strategy to kill resilience. To face adversity, we need to have confidence in our potential. This does not mean that we should be ultra-positive or that we should adopt a naive attitude, but rather that we should know ourselves thoroughly, being aware of our weaknesses but also of our strengths.
Nurturing self-confidence is important, but it’s not about artificially inflating it, but rather about finding opportunities that allow you to test your abilities and develop as a person. Don’t wait for problems to knock on your door, set yourself new challenges that allow you to discover how far you are capable of going.
7. Push people away
One of the main protective factors against adversity is social support networks, that is, those significant people who are by our side when we need them most. It has been shown that without the support and understanding that interpersonal relationships provide, a person is more likely to develop depression, recovery time from illnesses is lengthened, and even years of life are shortened.
Of course, in a society that is rapidly moving towards individualism and that increasingly promotes the habit of locking ourselves in a technological bubble, it is difficult to establish this type of interpersonal relationships. However, resilience is not only a capacity that is developed from within, it is necessary to support it from outside, and to do so we need to build solid relationships.
References:
Galea, S. et. Al. (2003) Trends of probable post-traumatic stress disorder in New York City after the September 11th terrorist attacks. American Journal of Epidemiology ; 158: 514-524.
Tugade, MN & Fredrickson, BL (2004) Resilient individuals use positive emotions to bounce back from negative emotional experiences. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ; 86(2): 320-333.
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