How people treat you is their problem. How you react is yours

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist who was imprisoned in Nazi concentration camps, stated that “everything can be taken from a man except one thing, the last of the human freedoms: the choice of one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Throughout life, we will experience different situations, some of them negative. We will likely have to face many setbacks, solve various problems, and overcome various obstacles. Along the way, we will also encounter people who are not as pleasant as we would like or who may even hurt us. In most cases, we cannot do anything to prevent this. But we can choose how to react.

As Epictetus noted, “No one can harm you without your consent; you will be harmed the moment you allow yourself to be harmed.” We can’t avoid encountering unpleasant people, but we can protect ourselves from being harmed too much.

Everyone is responsible for their actions

There are people who move through the world like garbage trucks. They carry around a huge amount of resentment, anger, sadness, or fear, and they try to take it out on others. These are people who overreact and—consciously or unconsciously—do everything they can to ruin our day, and sometimes our lives, too.

These are people who respond by attacking, waiting for the slightest gesture or word to unleash their wrath. Or they always have a long list of complaints ready to make us feel guilty. These people are everywhere: it could be an employee, a coworker, our mother, or even our partner.

It’s important to understand that these people behave this way because they haven’t learned to be assertive in their interpersonal relationships. They lack the psychological tools necessary to deal with adversity and problems, and so they end up losing control over their emotions and behaviors. Basically, they’re like emotional time bombs that can explode at any moment.

No matter how hard we try to protect our interpersonal circle, we can’t prevent some of these people from sneaking in, whether for a few moments or for much longer. Their behaviors and emotions are their own responsibility; sometimes there’s little we can do to get them to see reason or change their reactions. However, we can prevent them from entangling us in their web.

In such cases, we should remember Marcus Aurelius’s wise advice: “Remember that everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth […] If you are distressed by something external, that pain is not due to the event itself, but to the meaning you give it, and you have the power to remove it at any moment […] You have power over your mind, not over events. Realize this and you will find strength.” 

You will receive what you give

Eastern philosophy, especially the laws of karma, can help us better understand the appropriate attitude for dealing with people who try to trip us up or harm us. The Great Law and the Law of Responsibility indicate that our experiences are the result of our actions, words, and thoughts. In practice, all our actions leave traces, and over time, those traces translate into results.

Our mind and our life are like a field; we will reap what we sow. Virtuous actions, words, and thoughts are positive seeds from which we will reap happiness, but violence, hatred, ignorance, selfishness, and resentment are negative seeds that, sooner or later, will lead to suffering. These seeds often take time to germinate because they must wait for the right conditions. That is why we don’t always see the direct consequences of our actions. But they will come. We cannot escape them.

This means that each person has their own karma, which fundamentally depends on their actions, words, and thoughts. Karma, therefore, is not a punishment of fate, but simply the result of our decisions, even the smallest, seemingly inconsequential ones. It is the result of the emotions we nurture and the thoughts we give free rein to.

Therefore, if we respond by getting angry every time someone bothers us, we will fuel that anger more and more, until that emotion takes over. If we play along every time someone complains and respond by rolling out our string of complaints, we will end up becoming chronic complainers. If we simply react, we will fall into the other person’s trap, wrapped in their web of resentment, mistrust, hopelessness, or anger. Obviously, this way we will not be able to find the mental balance we need to be happy.

How to react so that your emotional balance is not taken away?

The main goal is to ensure that people don’t play with your emotions because by doing so, you’re literally giving them control of your life. In fact, small disagreements in our interpersonal relationships cause what is known as “cardiac chaos.” In practice, states of stress, anxiety, depression, or anger cause the heart rate between two beats to become irregular or “chaotic.” And this irregular rate has been associated with health problems such as hypertension, heart failure, heart attack, and sudden death. And it only takes a small argument or disagreement to provoke this state of physiological chaos.

Therefore, your reactions will not only determine your emotional state but, in the long term, will also have repercussions on your health. However, it’s not about allowing people to violate your rights and suffering in silence while they ruin your life. The key is to find balance, to give each thing its due, and not allow others to dictate our emotional states, especially if they can harm us.

1. Don’t get defensive. When we perceive someone is “attacking” us, our first reaction is to get defensive. The emotional brain takes control and declares a state of alert. In that case, you’ll only need a minute. Take a deep breath and don’t respond immediately. This will give your cortical areas time to regain control, and you’ll be able to think more clearly about how to handle the situation without letting it get out of hand. This way, you’ll be able to act intelligently, instead of just reacting.
2. Accept the situation. There are people you can’t change. It’s that simple. Accept it as soon as possible and don’t harbor unrealistic expectations. Remember that often your worst enemy is your expectations and your inability to restructure your field of action in the face of an unexpected situation. It’s not about giving up, but rather about readjusting your expectations and asking yourself: What can I really get out of this situation? If you accept that things won’t always go your way, you’ll avoid fighting lost battles in advance.
3. Defend your rights assertively. Without getting irritated, make the other person understand that you are aware of your rights and that you are not willing to allow them to be violated. In these cases, the broken record technique will become your best ally. It involves repeating your opinion—as many times as necessary—without losing your cool, so that the other person understands that you are determined to assert your rights.
4. Change your perspective. If it’s not an issue worth arguing about, it’s better to change your argument. It will help to ask yourself how much inner peace you’re willing to lose to be right. On the contrary, if it’s something important, ask that person a question that makes them reflect on the consequences of their actions. Many people aren’t fully aware of the impact of their words or decisions, so with a simple question you can help them change their perspective and develop a more empathetic attitude. You can also ask yourself the reason for so much controversy, anger, or resistance. Sometimes, naming what your interlocutor is feeling means disarming them, trying to make them see reason.
5. React with the opposite emotion. It involves adopting a more tolerant, patient, kind, and humble attitude, even if it requires great effort on your part. Remember that responding with anger only increases the violence. On the contrary, if the person realizes you’re not playing along, they’re likely to stop. Consider that we’re all affected by the reactions of those around us, so a patient and calm reaction can make intolerance and anger fade. Don’t worry so much about the seeds others sow; focus on sowing good seeds yourself.
6. Put yourself in their shoes.  It’s not about justifying their behavior, but rather understanding that we all make mistakes, and that’s when we most need someone understanding. Consider that we need more love and understanding precisely when we least deserve it, because that’s when we’re going through the most difficult situations. Remember that you, too, make mistakes and lose patience, and behave as you would like others to behave with you. Perhaps that person who annoys you so much will never change, but at least they’ll respect you for who you are. And that, in itself, is a great achievement.
7. Protect your self-esteem. Constantly dealing with difficult people can be very draining and can undermine your self-esteem, turn you into an irascible person, or even depress you. Therefore, it’s important to make sure you’re bulletproofing your emotional balance and self-esteem. Remember that other people’s opinions of you aren’t the absolute truth and don’t define you as a person. In fact, consider that their attacks may be a desperate attempt to feed their own self-esteem because some people, in order to feel superior, need others to feel inferior. Therefore, focus on the people who truly value you and foster the qualities that will help you grow. Forget about the rest. Time puts everyone in their place.

References:

La Rovere, M. et Al. (1998) Baroreflex sensitivity and heart-rate variability in prediction of total cardiac mortality after myocardial infraction. The Lancet; 351: 478−484.

Dekker, J. et Al. (1997) Heart rate variability from short term electrocardiographic recordings predicts mortality from all causes in middle-aged and elderly men. The Zutphen Study. American Journal of Epidemiology; 145 (10): 899−908.