We’ve all had to face awkward questions. They usually pop up in casual conversations, where the topic suddenly turns to a subject that’s too intimate or sensitive to discuss openly. We’ve probably even asked awkward questions ourselves on more than one occasion to our friends, coworkers, or even strangers.
The practice of “nepotistic snooping” would benefit us as a species
Although awkward questions are fairly common, it wasn’t until 2007 that a group of psychologists at the University of British Columbia analyzed this phenomenon, which they called “nepotistic snooping.” According to these specialists, awkward questions actually benefit us as a species, so it shouldn’t surprise us that the closer a person is to us, the more they tend to inquire about our private lives and ask awkward questions.
According to the principle of ” inclusive fitness,” we care (and should care) for those closest to us because this is how we preserve our genetic legacy. In fact, these researchers found that we tend to pay particular attention to the long-term romantic relationships of our closest relatives, but we overlook casual relationships.
They also found that people not only tried to find out how the relationship was going, but also tried to influence it with the goal of helping the other person find the right person. Interestingly, this concern for the other person’s love life was greater not only the closer the emotional bond, but also the more similar the people were physically.
This suggests that, in some way, our curiosity about the lives of those closest to us could be an ancestral mechanism through which we ensure that part of our genetic heritage is passed on with as few alterations as possible.
The theory of nepotistic snooping is certainly interesting, but it’s no excuse to pry into other people’s lives.
How to deal with awkward questions without being rude or violating your privacy?
1. Detect the signs of introspection
Awkward questions are often preceded by a series of signs of introspection. When a person knows they’re about to address a potentially intimate topic, they often show signs of nervousness or introspection. For example, they might shift uncomfortably in their chair, fiddle with their phone or something they’re holding, clear their throat… Everyone expresses their discomfort or their attempt to establish a more intimate connection differently. You’ll have to learn to recognize these signs, and when you discover them, you can radically change the subject, or at least prepare yourself psychologically so that the upcoming awkward question doesn’t take you by surprise.
2. Always tell the truth
Some people lie because they don’t want to tell the truth or they “embellish” the story with inaccurate details to feel a little more comfortable. The problem is that one lie often leads to another, especially if we continue to interact with that person. So, a situation that was simply uncomfortable for us can leave us in a very bad light, causing us to become untrustworthy in that person’s eyes and causing us to lose their trust. Therefore, it’s best not to lie and tell the truth, or at least the part you feel most comfortable with. Decide what you want to share, but don’t pad the rest with lies.
3. Admit that this is an uncomfortable question
Perhaps the person asking the question isn’t fully aware that it’s a sensitive topic for you. After all, everyone has their own personal issues. In fact, it’s likely that this person is genuinely interested in knowing the answer to this uncomfortable question, and that their interest is hidden behind genuine concerns. In that case, it’s perfectly fine to explain that you don’t feel comfortable addressing this topic, that it’s too intimate, that it brings back bad memories you don’t want to relive, or that you’re simply not ready to talk about it. This way, you show respect for the other person and their concerns, while also preserving your privacy.
4. Ask another question instead
Some people who ask awkward questions aren’t exactly known for their tact, and even if you’ve told them you don’t want to broach the subject, they’ll likely ask you again. In that case, asking another awkward question is often the best strategy. When the person feels the same emotional impact they caused you, they realize their behavior and back off. You don’t have to be rude; you can even return the question with a touch of good humor. For example, if someone asks you when you plan to have a baby, you can reply, “I was just wondering the same thing about you.”
5. Pass the question
A simple strategy for handling awkward questions is to simply pass them on to someone else, who shouldn’t even be present. This way, you ease any tension that may have built up in the room and your interlocutor realizes that you’re not willing to delve into the topic. For example, if they ask you when you’ll get a raise, you can reply, “You’d better ask my boss.”
6. Rephrase the question
If you’re not comfortable with a question, you can rephrase it or even ask your interlocutor to be more precise. Often, when we express surprise and ask someone to reflect on what they’ve asked, they immediately realize they’ve gone too far and may not dare to ask further or move on to less difficult terrain. You can say, “I’m not sure I understand you. What exactly do you want to know? “
7. Distance yourself from the question
Awkward questions are often awkward because they’re too personal, but one way to satisfy your interlocutor’s curiosity without feeling uncomfortable is to maintain psychological distance. You can answer in the third person, bringing the topic to a neutral level so you don’t have to specifically address your experiences. This way, you’ll be able to approach the topic more comfortably, and, for those who understand, a few words will suffice.
However, remember that the best way to avoid awkward questions is usually to avoid asking embarrassing ones. If you’re a reserved person who doesn’t interfere in other people’s lives, others will also be a little more self-conscious and less likely to pry into yours.
Reference:
Faulkner, J. & Schaller, M. (2007) Nepotistic nosiness: inclusive fitness and vigilance of kin members’ romantic relationships. Evolution and Human Behavior; 28(6): 430-438.
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