There are emotions we learn to hide almost without realizing it. “Don’t cry,” “Don’t get angry,” “Don’t be sad,” “You have to be strong,” or “It’s okay” are part of a daily learning process we hear practically from childhood, and although these phrases are usually well-intentioned, they end up instilling in us the idea that we should avoid feeling certain emotions.
This is how we learn to control anger before it becomes noticeable, to hide sadness so as not to worry anyone, to force a smile when we’re exhausted, or to remain calm even when we’re overwhelmed inside. Over time, we can begin to confuse emotional regulation with not allowing ourselves to feel. Then we fall victim to a paradox because the more we try to control an emotion, the more present it can be in our inner experience.
The consequences of wanting to control what we feel
Controlling an emotion seems, in principle, a reasonable strategy. If something makes us feel bad, why not try to eliminate it? The problem is that emotions don’t work like a switch we can turn off voluntarily.
An important part of emotional regulation involves modifying our emotional response when necessary, but regulating doesn’t mean suppressing it. Regulation implies staying in touch with what we feel in order to understand it, without being completely at the mercy of those emotions and feelings.
When we try not to think about something, our brain needs to periodically check if we’re still thinking about it. As a result, we experience a rebound effect: the effort to expel the mental experience ends up keeping it active. Something similar happens with emotions. Trying not to feel sad pushes us to constantly monitor ourselves to see if we’re still sad, and trying not to get angry can make us pay even more attention to signs of irritation.
Furthermore, fighting an emotion adds a second layer of distress because we no longer feel only anxiety, for example, but we begin to blame ourselves for feeling that way and force ourselves to control it. This type of coping causes the original emotion to become mixed with frustration, shame, or guilt. Therefore, we suffer not only from what we feel, but also from our relationship with what we feel.
In fact, in 1997, psychologists at Stanford University asked 180 women to watch films that evoked sadness, amusement, or a neutral response. One group was instructed to suppress their emotions, while the other was allowed to react naturally. The researchers discovered that those who tried to control their emotions showed greater physiological arousal. This meant they could make it seem “undetectable,” but it didn’t mean their bodies were any less activated.
A subsequent study found that people who tried to control and suppress their feelings habitually experienced more negative emotions, fewer positive emotions, and had worse indicators of well-being and interpersonal functioning.
We are taught to hide our emotions, not to understand them
Part of this problem has a cultural and educational component. For a long time, emotional maturity has been associated with restraint, enduring, and not letting emotions “overwhelm” us. Children are told to calm down, but they aren’t always taught what to do with those emotions. And many adults continue to replicate that pattern.
In the long run, this creates a kind of emotional illiteracy because we know how to behave correctly, but we don’t know how to accurately identify what is happening to us, understand its origin, or give a more assertive outlet to those feelings.
For example, a person might think they are stressed when they are actually feeling disappointed, angry, afraid, or even because they have been accumulating resentment for weeks. If we only try to reduce the intensity of the emotion without understanding its origin and function, we are acting on the symptom without listening to the message.
Ultimately, an emotion isn’t an order we must obey, but neither is it simply noise we should silence. Anxiety can tell us we need to learn to cope better with uncertainty, while fear warns us of a threat, and anger can indicate an injustice or a violated boundary. Understanding this message doesn’t mean agreeing with the emotion, but rather gathering information before deciding what to do with what we feel.
Accepting an emotion does not mean resigning oneself to it
Accepting that we are angry does not give us carte blanche to yell at someone, just as accepting sadness does not imply that we can abandon our responsibilities, nor does accepting anxiety justify avoiding what scares us.
Acceptance is simply acknowledging what’s happening within us. Then comes conscious choice. When we stop wasting so much energy trying to control an emotion, we can use that energy to ask ourselves what we need and what response would be more aligned with our goals.
In fact, emotional regulation is not about feeling less, but about relating to what we feel in a more mature, assertive, and conscious way.
How to deal assertively with emotions?
First, it’s important to name the emotional experience more precisely. It’s not enough to simply acknowledge that we feel bad; we must ask ourselves what specific emotion underlies it and what triggered it. This process of introspection allows us to gain some psychological distance so we can better manage what we feel.
It is also helpful to observe emotion as a changing phenomenon. Instead of wondering how long it will take to disappear, we can pay attention to how it manifests: where in the body it is expressed, what thoughts accompany it, or how its intensity changes when we stop fighting it.
Another regulation strategy involves separating emotion, thought, and behavior. Feeling that someone has treated us unfairly doesn’t necessarily prove they intended to harm us. Thinking “I can’t handle this” doesn’t mean we actually can’t. And feeling fear doesn’t compel us to avoid whatever triggers it. Identifying these three layers helps us make more conscious decisions, instead of trying to bury the emotion.
Finally, we should also ask ourselves what that emotion is trying to tell us. Sometimes the answer will be that we need to rest, set boundaries, ask for help, accept a loss, or have an unfinished conversation. Other times we will discover that the emotion is simply an interpretation of the situation.
The key is not to try to control emotions, but to learn to listen to them without letting them take the wheel. We don’t need to control everything we feel; we simply need to develop the ability to feel it, understand it, and decide what to do with it.
References:
Gross, J. J. & John, O. P. (2003) Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. J Pers Soc Psychol; 85(2): 348-362.
Gross, J. J. & Levenson, R. W. (1997) Hiding feelings: the acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. J Abnorm Psychol; 106(1): 95-103.
Leave a Reply