We all make mistakes. It’s pointless to try to avoid them, as they are part of our lives. In fact, thanks to them, we can take a step back, restructure our beliefs, and grow. However, mistakes only allow us to grow when we use them as a tool for change.
On the contrary, those who have a negative perception of mistakes remain attached to them. If we make mistakes and don’t learn the lesson, we’ll continue to make those mistakes or become blocked by feelings of guilt.
Therefore, one of the most useful techniques we can learn in life is a simple NLP exercise devised by Robert Dilts. The exercise is based on recognizing the lessons we can learn from the mistakes we make. It involves examining, in particular, the positive aspects of that behavior that initially seems so negative.
This exercise is based on the idea that, although we may not be aware of it at first, every decision we make at a given moment in our lives is the best one. This doesn’t mean that mistakes don’t have negative consequences. If we make mistakes, we’re likely to hurt ourselves or others. But it’s a learning experience that will make us better people. If we know how to use it.
7 steps to turn mistakes into useful tools for change
1. Find a behavior you’d like to change —one of those things you do often but continually regret. It’s about finding that habit that makes you feel bad and that you’d like to break. However, focus on something relatively simple; don’t start with more complex habits or those that have been in place for years.
2. Ask yourself what limiting beliefs are related to that behavior . What beliefs underlie and sustain that habit? Basically, it’s about honestly answering the question: Why do I do what I do?
3. Reflect on the negative behavior you’ve chosen . What are the negative consequences and why do they make you feel bad? Examine the effects on yourself and the people around you. Don’t lie to yourself; dig deeper into what you don’t like about that habit.
4. Amplify the negative feeling . Most people avoid negative emotions; this is known as experiential avoidance. However, it’s precisely about amplifying those feelings: What’s the worst-case scenario you can imagine? How bad could you feel? How much guilt would you experience? The idea is to magnify the feelings to the point of being paradoxical or downright impossible.
5. Look for the positive intention of the behavior . Generally speaking, any mistake or bad habit has a positive intention at its core; it’s just a matter of finding it. For example, losing your temper and raising your voice may indicate that you need to be heard, that you need to express an opinion, and you don’t know any other way to do so. Understanding the positive intention of the behavior will help you look at it from a different perspective.
6. Identify the positive outcome of the “mistake” you make . Basically, it’s about finding the usefulness of that mistake. At first, it may seem like a paradoxical and difficult exercise to understand because in our minds we’ve labeled it as something negative and can’t conceive of the idea that it could be linked to something positive. Therefore, it’s important to take your time and consider that most of our behaviors bring us some benefit. For example, raising our voice and getting angry can make others listen to us, when they normally wouldn’t.
7. Relive the mistake while experiencing a positive state . This is an important step, and perhaps one of the most difficult, since the key is to relive that mistake or bad habit, but from an open-minded and non-judgmental perspective. To do this, it’s recommended that you first enter a positive state, in which you feel comfortable, which meditation can help you with. Then, imagine repeating that behavior but reacting differently, without feeling bad about it or beating yourself up for making a mistake or being weak once again. The idea is to delve deeper into how you react when you’re not a victim of your emotions. This way, you’ll have a small script to follow the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.
Finally, you just have to assimilate everything you’ve learned. And don’t expect everything to change overnight; be patient. You’ll improve as you repeat the exercise.
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