Ignore when they criticize you and listen when they advise you: Why is this a bad idea?

“Ignore when they criticize you, listen when they advise you and walk away when they don’t value you,” says one of the most shared self-help advice of recent times. Is it the key to your success? It’s easy to ignore what bothers us, listen to the words that validate us, and escape from what makes us uncomfortable. And when everything seems so easy, we think we’ve found a wise shortcut to living better.

However, this advice from “Popular Psychology” is based on a principle that may be valid in general terms, but that can confine us to our comfort zone, that space in which we feel safe, but in which we do not grow.

Why do we reject criticism?

We often assume that all criticism is destructive, false, malicious or even harmful. Of course, there are perverse criticisms that are made with the aim of harming us, but there are also constructive criticisms. For this reason, the call to ignore all criticism is irrational and harmful.

The idea that we should not pay attention to criticism is based on two erroneous assumptions:

1. Thinking that we are in possession of the truth
2. Believing that we are never wrong

Therefore, although the consequences of criticism can affect our self-esteem, perception of self-efficacy and make us feel bad, they are necessary and will affect us as much as we allow them to. We tend to reject criticism because we identify too much with it, but if we accept it as opinions that can help us improve, that defensive wall will fall and we will be able to use it to our advantage.

The three filters of discernment

Criticism has been clothed in a negative meaning, but it actually comes from the ancient Greek kritikós , derived from krínein, which means to judge or discern. Criticizing, therefore, is a rational faculty that involves subjecting facts or behaviors to a rigorous examination to issue an assessment, which can be more or less positive or negative.

Therefore, instead of discarding a criticism just because it makes us uncomfortable, we must pass it through the three filters of discernment:

1. Who? Taking into account who the person is making the criticism is important to determine whether it is a valid opinion or not. Is it a close person who wants the best for us? Is it an experienced person trying to guide us? Is he someone who is collaborative and efficient or, on the contrary, is he a person with destructive behavior that fuels animosity towards us?
2. Why? We must also consider the purpose of the criticism. Is it made with the idea of ​​helping us or trying to tear us down? Can we get any use out of it or do we find nothing useful in those words? While destructive criticism demoralizes and devalues; Positive criticism motivates you to strive and improve. In short, we must think for what purpose this criticism is made.
3. So what? Positive reviews usually look to the future, so they generally do not limit themselves to pointing out our errors or weaknesses, but also provide us with possible alternatives to improve. Destructive criticism focuses on what has been done wrong, puts its finger on the sore spot and adds salt with treachery. Positive criticism, on the other hand, is more concerned with repairing damage, which is why it is usually a hand extended to growth.

We must remember that not all criticism is the result of frustration or envy. And even if it were, even the most malicious criticism could contain truths that we can take advantage of to improve. Therefore, the next time you are criticized, don’t ignore it, reflect. You might learn something new about yourself or spot an area you need to improve. And if you consider that criticism does not contribute anything to you, then give it up.